To Seek The Truth.....
Sorry if this gets a bit long, but I would like opinions on this. As most of us here know, many of our DH's have been cheated on my the BM. Mine included, and she did this several times over the course of the marriage with my DH. But there is one time that still, to this day, hurts the most. I believe it was most likely the first time she did this to him, but, it was with a close friend of his that he grew up with. Here is were things get wierd for me. This happened shortly after SS was born, while they were on vacation up here on the Cape visiting family. DH and BM went out to "party" with some of his old friends, DH says that later in the evening he went back to where they were staying, but BM wanted to "keep going" so she went back out with said friends....DH fell asleep. A few months go by, and BM decides to tell DH the "truth", that she cheated and had sex w/ one of DH's close friends that night, she tells DH that she wants him to know, cause she does not want to "live this lie, and be honest with him"....blah, blah, blah. Well in turn, DH is hurt badly, does not press for details, but of course believes this, as she is confessing something huge here. They fight, but make up in the end. He never sees or talks to this friend again, easy to do, as they were living in Fl. at the time. But he goes on with that betrayed by a friend feeling. Now, DH and I live here, on the Cape, and he has seen many of his old friends....except this one in question. He has a lot of anger towards him, and we know that this friend has asked for DH, and sounds like he would like to see him. We were talking last night, and I have heard this story before, but really started putting it together, after my DH says, "i wished he had just turned her down"...... I think that he did!! Knowing what I know now of BM and her history, I think she lied. Yes it is a fact that BM and this guy were hanging out together that night, and sure, she probably came onto him, but maybe, just maybe he said no, when things got too hot, so to speak. BM would be mad of course, let down, and embarrassed, that this good childhood buddy of DH's will not do it, because of DH and him being friends like that. So maybe BM starts to worry that he'll mention it to DH, and then DH will be just upset with her, and would know that she...the queen, was in fact turned down, and she would always feel embarrased about it in the future. So she spins this story, knowing it will end the friendship with DH and this guy, get attention from DH(that is standard with her) and never have to worry about that little mishap ever again. I'm sure she was jeliouse that DH even had such a good friend, as she always put down anyone he knew, including family members of his. So why not. This friend of DH's was never confronted with this, and may not even know about it, my question is, should we try to find out. Should we go see him, and let him know this (i'm sure he wonders why DH will not talk to him), or would this be bad. DH is full of anger over the way BM has cheated on him with countless other people.....it would be nice to take this one away. I know I can't take away all the pain he has been through, but this one would be a real heart mender, I think. I would like to do this, and I thought about if I'm wrong, it does bring up the hurt again, but, it comes up anyways every time someone tells DH about his friend, and that he should go see him. What should I do with this???
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I'd let it go
all of that is irrelevant now. None of that should matter. Your husband has moved on. BM is a whore. If his friend "turned her down" he should have resolved this with your H years ago.
Well depending on the friend
I mean is the friend trying to reconnect with your DH?? If so I would on my own talk to the friend give him the 411 and go from there...Hubby should be over it now, who cares what she did now..And Im sure he knows you arent going to cheat..I would at least let the friend know whats up and why he isnt talking to him..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
I see what Fubar is saying, but I wouldn't
go that route! My DH would flip! He knows I won't cheat on him, but he wouldn't want me talking to said friend either. But my DH is a cop, cop mentality ya know. "Must protect little woman, me husband, she wife" hits his chest and returns to the cave kid of guy!
But if you think your DH wouldn't care about you doing that I would say do it as well. Because that would give you the opportunity to maybe mend some fences, or atleast start it, with a good friend of his. And if this friend did sleep with the x I can see why he wouldn't want to be around him anymore. Not because he thinks you would do it to, but because he wouldn't want to give his friend the opportunity to even make a unwanted comment to you, ya know. It's a male protection thing I think.
I would want to know the whole story to. You are probably dead on. I bet the bitch lied! Hahahahaha! wouldn't that be funny!
I'd let it go TOO
if it didn't involve a pontentially innocent person. There is a close friend that might be guiltless. Put yourself in this position, someone says a lie about you and a good friend stops talking to you. I would hate to have a friend stop talking to me over a lie without confronting me.
Therefore, ONLY for the sake of the posibility of this friend being innocent I would go ahead and confront him. But then again, if you think about it, how would you guys know that he is not lying to you if he says "i didn't do it"? that would be just his choice if he wants to believe him or not.
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
that's what I thought too....
that it may be hard to know if this friend would be honest about what happened, but, if we end up seeing him somehow, I think we would be able to tell by looking at him and his reaction to seeing DH if he even knows this was said about him by BM. If he really did do this with BM then why on earth would he want to even see DH again?? But apparently he does, as we have heard that he has asked about DH, and would like to see him. This is what I guess I would like to avoid....us being out sometime, and by chance, running into this person. Yes, my DH has let alot of this go, and has moved on, but I know deep down he wonders why his friend would do such a thing, and now, if it's even true. Crazy situation!! " A first marriage is like buying your first home, sometimes you just gotta start small"~ Me.
If you know that this friend has been asking about DH
then you must have mutual friends. Maybe one of them could ask this guy about it. You don't have to directly ask them to, maybe just relay your suspicions if you feel comfortable doing that. Depends on the friend, depends on DH.
I would prefer the direct approach, but I wouldn't want to upset DH by speaking to the guy or bugging DH with something he doesn't want to do.
It needs to come from your H...
sorry if TMI. Back in my early twenties I had a boyfriend who was really good in bed. At the time I also had a childhood friend whom I told everything to. And, I mean everything.
I totally trusted her and didn't worry much as she was married and the such.
Well imagine my surprise when in a span of one month my BF breaks up with me, she leaves her husband and moves in (later marries) my XBF.
Hurt I was. But not because of him. I was so hurt that MY girlfriend had basically stabbed me in the back. I also learned an important lesson. DO NOT SHARE DETAILS.
That had been almost 8 yrs and to this day said GF asks about me and pursues me like a jilted lover. When I had my sugery she was one of the first people to visit me and left me afruit basket.
I miss the friendship too but until now I have been hesiatant to revive it. And, it is only now, after 8 years that I even think I can.
This weekend I may go out and have coffee or tea with her.
My advise, let your DH come to his friend once he is ready. Sometimes forgiveness takes a long time.
One can only hope!
the cape?
The Cape? I'm in Mass..too..just west of Boston..do you know I've lived my whole life here and NEVER been to the Cape?
Anyways..what I'm wondering though if DH and this guy were such good friends why hasn't the good friend tried to get in touch with DH...I see what your saying and it makes total sense..but if she is in fact lying why wouldn't the friend have called up your DH a long time ago and said "hey why haven't you called?" etc..
I wouldn't search the guy out..but if he starts asking around..than it can be brought up.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"