Controversial? Middle school child home alone
I am curious about other's thoughts on this topic.
My SS is in 7th grade (starting tomorrow) and his school is from 9:30 to 4:00. By the time the bus got him to his BM's house, it would be almost 5 and she would be home by 6. She is still insisting that he go to "aftercare." We are not in that school zone so I would be picking him up after school or he would ride the bus to my DH work.
The middle school does not offer the aftercare. It is at a church across the street. For him to go, he's have to be enrolled by the month which means we would be paying for half the care. He is not a behaviorial problem for the most part. He's been in aftercare all his life with no other outside activities.
My thought is that he is much too old for aftercare and can certainly handle an hour or two at home alone. Thoughts?
When I was in Middle School I
When I was in Middle School I stayed at home more than just a hour.
I would look at his maturity - you say he has no behavioral problem, but how is his maturity?
I would suggest at least trying to get him away from aftercare maybe see how the first month goes? He is getting to the point if she doesn't want him at the house he needs to start sports, not go to a babysitter IMO.
He is a little immature - has
He is a little immature - has ADHD and not much real world experience because of her overprotectiveness.
He's not at all interested in sports but I feel there are plenty of other things to do than babysitting. It's just more opportunity for him to remain immature, I think.
Thanks for your reply. I was also home alone at that age....
It definitely depends on the
It definitely depends on the kid's maturity level. I was babysitting at that age, and BS was able to stay alone for a couple hours at that age. SS14? Never. Way too immature. If he has ADHD, is he impulsive? Is he able to stay safe? Does he know what to do in case of an emergency? Is he able to keep himself occupied without setting the house on fire?
"He is not a behaviorial
"He is not a behaviorial problem for the most part."
Well... what is the part that he IS a behavioral problem? That's kind of an important detail...
The most part where he's a
The most part where he's a behavior problem is with his younger sister. We'd NEVER leave them alone together anyway. He tends to overeat and would rather not do chores etc. I just can't imagine him sitting still at study hall (I think that's basically what it is) every day after school. IMO, he needs to take on some responsibility for himself.
Then Dad needs to come up
Then Dad needs to come up with a solution that works for after school where he WILL get his work done. But his just saying that Mom should suck it up and let him be home alone for that hour (not doing his schoolwork)? Isn't going to cut it. Because a court is going to see straight through to his next plan of "He's not doing his work at Mom's, so he should live with us so SM can make him do it..." Not gonna happen.
No, we're not interested in
No, we're not interested in battling these sorts of things in court. I mainly wanted to hear other people's opinions about a child at 12/13 needing aftercare. We're also not really concerned that he finish his school work in that hour. If he did, that would be great and perhaps there could be some incentive for him to do so. But school work can also be finished in the evening. That's what was mostly happening last year. He can't stay focused ALL day and then remain focused until dinner. He needs a little breather. Hopefully this year the work load won't be as heavy as it was in the pre-IB program he was in last year.
Some of my ideas about child rearing are like the complete opposite of the BM's ideas. I feel like such a liberal in some ways and then a complete beeotch in other ways. Our parenting styles are so different. She on top of my SS and SD's every move and practically does some of their school work for them (suggesting the answers, etc.) when I tend to let mine handle as much as they can on their own unless they need help. The skid's teachers would much rather talk to my husband than her because she tries to controll everything. We have expecations in social etiquette and the BM has none.
I end up being unsure of my parenting skills when things like this come up because of the drastic differences. It helps me to know that others side with me AND her. Just different styles and we can hope the skids benefit from us both.
Your ideas/expectations wrt
Your ideas/expectations wrt child rearing are moot. Not your kids. Plain and simple.
They are not moot LOL...like
They are not moot LOL...like the OP explained she is looking for other ideas and opinions, hers are most definitely included in the brainstorming pot.
But... her ideas and
But... her ideas and opinions, and those of others, ultimately don't matter. This isn't her kid.
I can ask for ideas/opinions about parenting my nieces and nephews, but they don't matter... They aren't my kids, kwim?
Hence, moot.
Hence, moot.
(No subject)
Not really. None of our
Not really. None of our opinions matter either yet they are solicited and given by us, right? I would assume in a marriage the opinions of a spouse are weighed in the conversation. To say "your opinion is moot" in a marriage is ridiculous. Your opinion may not be the final decision clincher but it is definitely not moot.
I am sure if Jumanji's spouse told her, her opinion was moot regarding something that could affect her family either financially or otherwise, her response would be completely different.
Actually my opinion is the
Actually my opinion is the same as my DH who is their father. Didn't mean to start such a crazy reaction. I simply wondered about this particular issue and if it was extreme or not to have aftercare for this age. Just curious about other's opinions, certainly not a parenting critique from jumanji. I'm not sure if I am reading the tone right. Seems a bit harsh?
Most of the child care/after
Most of the child care/after school care won't take kids that are 12 where I live. I think if he comfortable being at home alone for an hour he'd be fine. I was babysitting younger siblings at 12.
I have never heard of
I have never heard of "aftercare" for a 7th grader...unless there is a boys/girls club he could go to after school.
Kids can also get into
Kids can also get into trouble any time of the day. Kids can get into trouble at the aftercare place. Kids can get into trouble walking to the bus stop. Bottom line is, kids can get into trouble regardless of where they are.
Personally, I always wanted my kids home after school whether it was alone or supervised.
Legally? Until he is 18, if
Legally? Until he is 18, if he is left home alone and something happens? Mom and Dad could be liable.
My SD was home alone at that
My SD was home alone at that age. My kids? Nope. I'm not a crazy, overprotective mom, but I know that so many things could happen when they were alone. How old is he? 11? 12?
It sounds like the only reason you don't think he should be in aftercare is because you don't want your DH shelling out half the cost. (Which is terribly selfish, imo.) I think that BM is being a "good mom" by making sure her son is cared for, and not a latch key kid.
If it costs a little in childcare costs, so be it. Those won't last forever. Really, it will be gone in the next few years.
He is 12, almost 13. It's not
He is 12, almost 13. It's not so much the money, believe me. But if we don't feel he needs it but still have to pay for it, it's kind of frustrating. To sign up, it's a monthly fee, not daily. My DH and I both feel he could handle an hour home alone. I was actually hoping he would get involved with after school activities, clubs, etc. to help with his social skills and give him more outlets. I suppose that could still happen.
BTW, he is changing schools because he was in a strenuous pre-IB program that he was simply not cut out for. He is gifted but not exactly driven. The school he's going to now will cater more to the individula student. I think it'll be a good change for him.
It's funny, because we wanted
It's funny, because we wanted SD to be in after school care and offered to pay for it. BM said no. It was too much of a hassle for her to pick her up from it.
SD spent a lot of time alone. She walked about 2 miles home, and then sat there for hours alone.
I get that an hour isn't too long, but I really think aftercare is best.
I didn't realize that there were pre-IB classes for elementary students. :?
Thanks all for your replies.
Thanks all for your replies. The way I see it, he is capable of handling 2 or even 3 hours alone. He mostly just wants to read, watch TV and play video games. He doesn't really have any friends, so there wouldn't be much influence there.
His mother is very overprotective and I am not. So I feel it's extreme, but I see there are varying opinions. Maybe she's not as far off as I think...
The fact that there is even an aftercare available was a surprise to me. I just moved from another town close by and there was nothing like that for my older children.
I have lived all over the
I have lived all over the country and overseas and the only thing I can think of ever seeing for middle schoolers is a Boys and Girls type club after school program. But that is basically a free for all of tweens running around an open gym like chickens. I would never send my kids to something like that, I would rather them be home alone.
I haven't heard of and after
I haven't heard of and after care program for middle schoolers. Even most summer camps stop at 12. Unless skid has some disability where you AGREE he can't be left alone. I'd make BM suck it up or go through the courts to make you pay. It seems ridiculous to me and I can't see a court ordering daycare for a 12 / 13 year old. BM's choice ; BM's money.
I must have been typing my
I must have been typing my message as you posted this. My thoughts exactly. I hope he'll be ok. I'm trying to be positive. His BM is a steamroller and convincing her otherwise is nearly impossible when she has her mind set. She certainly would never respect my DH's opinion.
I just read about the
I just read about the aftercare he's enrolled in and I see they accept children from like 5 different elementary schools, one middle school (the one he's going to is across the street) and one alternative K-12 private school (for children not suited for traditional schools).
It seems to me he's going to be lumped with a ton of elementary school age kids and children with disabilities or behaviorial issues. Looking on the bright side, he could be very helpful and be more of a leader. Maybe he'll like it. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this because it seems so unnecessary in our situation.
My concern is that he's in the gifted program which is normally a more mature group of children. Because he has ADHD, he's a little more immature. But I also feel he hasn't been given much of an opportunity to mature because he's been so sheltered. I just hope his peers also go to aftercare and/or don't care that he does.