Lost
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and I don't really know how this works but I'm just going to vent it out. I've been a stepmom for going on two years but have been in the child's life for almost four years. I love the child like my own. It's been a very bumpy road with the ex, custody battles, denied visitations, denied holidays, etc.
Recently the child went home to the mom's w/some marks on the arm. I thought they were scratches and asked what happened. The child said they didn't know. So I asked if they hurt; child said no 'didn't even know they were there.' So I made the assumption that I may have caused the marks by accident; perhaps I scratched the child while helping them out of the shower (child is 4 and I had very long nails at the time). I also said to the child 'oh honey, I must have done that when I got you out of the shower.' When we dropped the child off to the ex, I made sure to tell her what I saw and what I assumed happened. The ex said 'it happens all the time.'
Three days later I rec'd a call from a detective asking if I had some time to talk about an incident. Of course I freaked out and went into meltdown mode. I called our attorney and let him know what was going on. He told me to inform the officer of the bitter custody battles, that the ex has caused a lot of problems for us, and ask if I was a suspect and not to answer any questions. I met with the officer, explained our family has been having several terrible custody issues with my husbands ex, asked if I was being suspected of anything. He explained I was walking out the same way I walked in and I was not under arrest. And then I did exactly what my attorney said not to. I answered his questions.
I explained what I thought happened. He told me what I was saying corroborated what the child said. I told him I wasn't really even sure what happened and that nothing stood out in my mind out of the ordinary. In the end he said he feels this was not intentional, was an accident, perhaps I may have held her arm too tight. He doesn't believe I would put the child in danger or harm the child maliciously. He does not feel I am a violent person at all and in fact, he believes I deeply care about the child and he can see how painful it was for me knowing I may have caused this. He had to write his report and send it back to CPS. He never said I was not to be around her.
Now the ex is denying my husband his parenting time, even though there has been no order put in place stating we cannot see the child. In fact FOC clearly states even with an ongoing CPS investigation, parenting time cannot be denied. To add to this whole mess, two weeks ago the ex asked to take my husbands weekend so she could have her for a party, to which he said no. I guess she ultimately got what she wanted. Coincidence?
I don't know what to do and am very scared for myself and my family. Any advice?
NEVER and I mean NEVER again
NEVER and I mean NEVER again be alone or do anything at all for that child. These crazy ex's will say and do anything. I remember so many years ago the crazy MIL starting some BS about the skid being afraid of me, after that the BM started her crap...I IMMEDIATELY told DH I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be alone with that child again and neither would ANYONE in my family. If he had to work, too bad, he'd have to not pick her up. If he was sick, TOO BAD, he had to give her a bath or whatever...NEVER again, no matter what, did I do anything for that child and never again did I keep her alone. That is not to say that I didn't cook in the house, clean, etc...but NOTHING at all would be done by me alone and NEVER if DH wasn't there.
Protect yourself. These women ARE CRAZY...and courts seem to love crazy BMs.
Yep I have a suggestion, your
Yep I have a suggestion, your DH needs to file contempt of court charges against BM each and every time she so much as twitches our of alingment with CO. Take the offensive with her and never, ever relinquish it. So, set the precedent that she is a chronic violator of the CO, she denies visitation, etc, etc, etc.... and keep her ignorant ass in court until she is destitute or folds and does what the CO says she is to do when she is told to do it.
More importantly keep in mind that toxic toothless morons like your SD's BM will take a nonevent and manipulate it in to a big deal.Also, kids bounce and rarely break. The kid is 4. Stuff happens. Kids get scratched, bruised, scraped, etc.... If it is not a significant injury don't even recognize it and you for sure do not put any ideas in the kid's or BM's head about what might could possibly have happened.
"Huh? I don't know what happened." Lather, rinse, repeat.
After all, in this incidence it is the truth.
We learned that the only way to keep my Skid's toxic SpermClan in check was complete and total domination. My wife is the NCP and the SpermIdiot had 7 weeks of visitation per year. 5Wks Summer, 1Wk Winter and 1Wk Spring. Invariably SpermGrandMa would pull some shit or other over visitaiton, CS, etc.... She even called our state to express concern over SS's care and wellbeing. Of course there was nothing to her concerns and she was just being a manipulative PITA. At that point the game was on and we proceeded to destroy them in court until SS-20 aged out of the CO at 18. We dealt with this begining when SS was 1yo.
Our biggest kid welbeing battle with them occured when SS then 4yo fell off of a swingset/playscape and broke his arm. SpermGrandMa freaked out. She claimed we broke his arm on purpose and put him in a bright red cast to ruin her daughters wedding since the Skid was to be the ring boy in the wedding. That was some fun. Let me tell you.
We reminded SpermGrandMa of the medical reports we had showing SS's condition upon return from SpermIdiot visitation when he was 1-3yo. Dirty nasty hygiene, half inch long finger and toe nails, diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, puss filled welts all over his butt cheeks from them not changing him or cleaning him, black sludge in his arm pits, crotch, neck and behind his ears, BO so bad it would make a septic worker proud. We had pics and Doc reports of multiple incidents of this neglect during the long summer visitation for several years in a row.
Do not tolerate any crap from the toxic blended family oppostion and since she played this false accusation card you commit to owning and punnishing her ignorant manipulative ass for the duration of the CO. This strategy worked well for us.
We never badmouthed the SpermClan when SS was at home but for damned sure did not tolerate crap from the SpermCLan and we did not lie to the kid when the battles were on. He knew who had his back and provided for him and who the liars and manipulators were. He is now 20 and is well armed to protect himself from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. He is armed with the facts, the truth and nearly 20 years of first hand experience with their bullshit.
All IMHO of course.
I think Rags was talking
I think Rags was talking about withholding the child, not filing a report.
Generally, I help with the
Generally, I help with the kids showers. I have my own son, who is 7. My SD is 4. Our evenings are quite scheduled with dinner, homework, playtime, etc. One kid gets in the shower, as soon as they are done, the next one hops in. With my SD, we like to do hair, paint nails, etc afterwards. Showers have never been an issue for anyone before. My husband doesn't think we should change any of our routine, but of course he isn't the one facing potential abuse charges. Now, me saying that could be an over reaction; our attorney doesn't believe anything will come of this complaint and I got the impression from the officer that he truly believed nothing malicious happened. I have not gotten any further calls from CPS wanting to speak w/me. No one has come to our house and my son hasn't been contacted by anyone at his school. So I hope this was just an incident where they needed to follow up and they close the case.
You know, now that I think about this more, my SD has recently started calling me mom and mommy. Last weekend she even started saying I was the best mom in the world. Like I said in my above post, I've been w/this little peanut since she was one. The CO states we have her every weekend and one evening a week. We spend a lot of time together and just have a great bond; she recently took an interest to cooking with me and loves to just stand on the chair watching and wants to know exactly what I'm doing and why. She can be a stinker sometimes, but she's four and has a very stupid and immature BM who spends most of the time prancing the girl around like she's a doll. UGH. Maybe my SD told her BM she calls me mom and it pissed her off, which added to this whole mess.
Thanks, Rags, for the advice. We've had several instances w/ basic hygiene being neglected by the BM too. My SD has had a rash on her backside for months (her mom says its eczema and molluscom). We've tried to get it looked at but the BM freaks out if we even suggest bringing her to a new doctor for a second opinion. Last weekend, the rash was bleeding and oozing puss. I put a ton of A&D on her and resolved to taking her to the med center the next morning if it didn't stop. When we checked the next day, the redness was all but gone. One time my SD came over with burns all over her arms and shoulder; her BM said they were camping and she tripped and fell into the fire. Another time (just a few weeks ago), my SD showed up w/ black eye that could not be explained. Hindsight now tells me we should have called CPS about it all.
This just really f*cking sucks. I feel like my whole future is in jeopardy because of this woman and I'm spiraling out of control. And our only recourse is to file a complaint for denied visitation. I read somewhere, if this CPS complaint closes without further incident, we can use it against her..?
thanks for the advice,
thanks for the advice, herewegoagain. I hate that I have to change our routine, but I do have to protect myself and my son. I would never have thought the BM would stoop this low. Never in a million years.
Just be yourself around the
Just be yourself around the child, don't let this ex ruin your relationship. Don't let her win. Hold onto your composure and be strong for DH. That's how you win. Police are not stupid they have plenty of experience dealing with bitter ex wifes. So does CPS. However when child comes to for visits I would inspect her body non chalantly and make sure she is mark free that could have happened when ex dropped her off and didn't show until next day.
Recently, CPS was knocking at my door my mother said i knowingly allowed my 3 year old daughter to be sexually molested by babysitters cause the care was inexpensive and I was to tired to see what was really going on. The allegations were proved to be false, and after 30 days of being scared doubting myself and feeling like I was a shitty mother, they sent the report and said charges of child neglect/endangerment were dropped. Don't worry they can figure out what is false and what is true. When u mention bitter custody battle their eyes will open to bm making false allegations.
Wow, stephaniejane. I'm so
Wow, stephaniejane. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for the advice and support. I know how painful this is for my husband too as its been a week since we've seen my SD and could be another couple if the ex keeps this up. I just hope we can get FOC to intervene soon.