You are here

Moving in and feeling nothing? Whats wrong with me!

DramaticPlum's picture

This is my first post so... yay?

I'm 21 and I've been with my bf for a year. We have a long, complex history and have been friends since i was 10 and we always had a very deep connection but we never made a move because i was too shy and he was 4 yrs older and though i was too young. he got a girlfriend and she was a mega bitch and hated me because he and i obviously still had that connection. she abused me and threatened me until i couldn't stand being'that girl' anymore and walked away. he had a child with her and then she dumped him with the babay so she could go have a social life. She fucking destroyed him and he is a great guy. he suspects she got pregnant on purpose to stop him leaving cause she stopped taking the pill without telling him right when he'd had enough of her treating him like crap. But he stuck around anyways for his new daughter until she left them. having realised what i must have felt, he went looking for me and i was very dubious.. but agreed to meet him and we've been together ever since. BM has 50/50 care of their BD now and she is 3.

thing is when he doesn't have BD he stays at my house and when he has her he lives with his family so i rarely spend much time with them both just because if we're at his place then it's too crowded (7 people in one tiny house!) to get any quality time and I feel like I can't bond with the girl if my bf is there because he's parenting and i feel akward.

the SD is very smart and sometimes sweet and kind but mostly she's loud and rude and rough? she play fights my bf all the time and his family thinks it's funny when she manages to really hurt him. she's rude, answers back, fights every topic and cries CONSTANTLY. She perfectly capable of asking for what she wants but if every little thing is not 100% to her sadisfaction she cracks a wobble. to my bfs credit he rarely lets her get away with it but sometimes he does and it annoys me how he looses patience with her and then 5 minutes later is cuddling her and telling her how gorgeous she is. I'm worried she'll end up like a bossy thug bitch-queen like her mother.

ANYWAYS my problem is I don't NOT like my bf's BD - but i never miss her or get excited when she comes to stay at mine or when we have to spend the day together because it ends up with my bf getting defensive when i reach that point where my nerves are in shreds and i say i need a break. it depresses me. he understands that he doesn't understand my side of it cause i'm not a parent and he tries to catch himself on that but at the end of this year he wants us to move in together!

I want to move out of home and I cant afford to flat on my own but i always hoped i'd have some independance before settling down and I'm scared I won't handle it. Mum suggests I say to him to still live at him mums when he has his BD for a while so we have time to settle into having a house together before he introduces her in but I'm scared to bring up the topics because he distorts everything i'm saying back to me vs BD. HELP??

when it's just him and me everything is utter bliss even when we fight - we're never cruel. I know he's the one so RUN is NO OPTION. No one can make me walk away from him twice.

hanginginthere4now's picture

Trust your extincts. I moved in with my BF, and his 4 year old daughter. Same situation have her half the time. Things didn't get better they got worse. He was defensive when I brought up anything relating to his daughter. I got annoyed with his discipline skills too and not sticking to his bottom line. He would listen to me from time to time but there is always the "you're not a parent, you don't know". Although he wanted me to help parent his daughter, I was not a parent. Unless you two can sit down and talk openly about what living together looks like for the two of you and get on the same page, I don't think it will work. I regret not making things more clear with my BF and I. I moved out yesterday and I'm heart broken and devastated but my anxiety and panic attacks have already reduced. You're so young and you have so much ahead of you, trust your gut dont' move in with him unless you're on the EXACT same page, crystal clear outline of what a life together looks like.

Auteur's picture

Bail NOW! You are far too young for this life of misery! Do yourself a favour dear and find yourself a nice CHILDFREE BF!!!

doll faced sm's picture

Sometimes love isn't enough. It's a song, but it's also the truth. As you've pointed out BM is raising SD to be a mini BM. If that's how she was to you, that's how SD will be towards you. The difference, this time, is that your BF will never get tired of his daughter treating him like crap. In fact, you will be amazed to see quite the opposite. He will run her after her, shower her with gifts and compliments, and even pay her money so that she'll treat him like crap some more. Because you are not the parent, you will always be the second class citizen in your home; SD will come first on everything and you will be expected to be her maid, chauffeur, cook, and door mat. Anytime there is a problem with BM or SD, it will be your fault for being petty or for not understanding or for not being flexible enough or what ever other excuse your BF comes up with. As she gets older, she will become more obvious in her rudeness toward you while simultaneously becoming better at hiding it from her dad. Then, when you tell your BF that you can no longer tollerate the disrespect, he will honestly think you at fault because his little princess never does anything like that; he's been watching and has no clue what you're talking about.

I would suggest you read AlwaysAnxious's blogs; she's dealing with this (or not; she's disengaged at the moment) at the moment. I really feel it will give you an honest look at your future if you stay with this man.

P.S. Also, having a baby so that you now *are* a parent and *do* understand does not help.

zebra.wings's picture

I rarley feel this way about situations and am all about working it out but your way too young to be dealing with this. FOR SURE he will defend defend defend his daughter, always fight you on anything (and think he's right too) even if your right! GET OUT. Even if you love him you will be ok. Leaving hurts but I'm telling you its going to hurt even more as you invest your time and "love" into this relationship/family. In the end you will be aggrivated and frustrated and "having it up to here" you will be resentful of his daughter and in the end resent him.

Your young, move on find somone who has no kids, grow up some more then start you own life, create a family (some day) with someone who will be your partner not make you the scapegoat.

Why would you want to be with someone who distorts info and pushes back on you? even if your right?

There are LOTS of guys out there that can treat you wonderful, like a princess and LOVE YOU and not have the issues this man has. He's not thinking if he got megabitch prego in the first place. Why doesn't anyone use BC these days? My fiance' is in the same boat Trapped by some psycho and now has a 7 year old. TRUST ME THEY WILL DEFEND TILL THE END

roseslady2's picture

I married a man with a 10 year old and a 5 year old at the time. I am now 4 years into my marriage. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I regularly question whether I should have done it or not. No one in your life will tell you how hard this is. No one will talk about how marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do and kids just add at least2 other people to your marriage. You will now have to count your Skids AND their BM as part of your family. So, if you decide to join it, you better love the kids and the BM too. Not only that, you have to be ready to work your butt off for these kidsd. They may be like other kids in some ways, but children of broken families follow suit. they are broken too! They will have emotional issues, try to play people against you, and will work over both of their parents for more and more. They will cry, they will complain, they will do so much that other kids don't do. My mother is a teacher and has said that she's always frustrated with kids that are from broken families. So, if you want to enter into the hardest thing you will ever do, you go ahead and keep him. I am keeping mine. Even with all the hard times, there are a few glimpses of hope I have every once in a while. If I could go back, I probably wouldn't do it again, just so you know. But, because I'm here, I'm keeping it.

DramaticPlum's picture

I hear what you are all saying but at the same time I can't agree. If every woman's only solution is to run then how do these men and families have any hope for finding a family with a mother/wife figure? Someone has to put their foot down and say that if you really love the man then running isn't an option. I know I'm very young, however believe me when I say that my bf is the man I will be with for the rest of my life and I know that sounds deluded but they're simply too much past between us for this not to work. he even commented once that if i ever did make him choose between SD and me it would a tough choice because he loves me the same if not a little more.

The SD loves me and she doesn't put her negative behaviour onto just me, but rather to everyone. in fact she probably does it towards her father most and he becomes very frustraited and this is the fact that the BM basicly ignored SD when she's at her house, neglects her and lets her fend for herself. AND YET when SD is with her dad she always demands to be with her mum. it's aweful and all consitered SD is the best she could be considering. every babysitter and teacher she's had comments how advanced she is for her age and how much of a good kid she is. I love the potentual in her for becoming her own person and I'm hoping that as she grown older the whinging will stop and she'll be able to communicate her problems. I am willing to work to do the best by her - I'm just upset that I don't have the emotional attatchment to her that I want despite this.

My bf is in a rather unique position. he grew up in his house as the second son of 4 and the youngest is 12-15 years younger then him (she's 15 and the only girl) and she's a problem child. had all the probalem you've been describing - manipulating and bitchy and gets away with everything and my bf sees that, has grown up with it and HATES it so if anything he's paranoid about his daughter turnign out the same. He's stict with her but when she wears him down he tends to let things slide just cause he looses patience with trying to disicpline her and just wants her to be quiet.

but you're right I do need to have a tlak with him and establish what exactly our visions are for us living together. that was excellent advice. I'm still nervous.

simifan's picture

If you're sure you won't run, then you need clear boundaries. DO NOT except responsibility without authority. You need back up from him or this will never work. Given that he's already defensive - that is a big red flag. See a counselor specializing in blended families BEFORE you move it, get them to help set up household rules. The fact you don't want the kid there - also big red flag.
Good luck.

zebra.wings's picture

I agree with simifan. DEF do some counseling, mediation and hash EVRERYTHING out so in the BEGINNING your a united front and you KNOW he's on your side. Good luck!