The art of dis-engaging
Forums:
I always try to win SD love by taking her places and doing things for her but that's not working anymore.
It's like buying friendship.
I need to disengage (see SURRENDER post) and stop beating myself up.
Any tips, advice?
The best thing i have done to
The best thing i have done to help me disengage is to not mention her at all to DH. It is like I have forgotten about her. Of course, I haven't forgotten all the mean things she has done, but DH nor SD will ever know what is really going on inside my head. If DH mentions something trivial about SD I will just say, oh, that's nice, and that's it. No further discussion and I change the subject fast.
I agree with you. Of course
I agree with you. Of course DH will talk about his kids with you but we Sm's can smile and say that's nice. DH is happy and SM can move on to more interesting subjects once he is done. Win win.
Yes. I will let DH ramble on
Yes. I will let DH ramble on but really, I don't give a damn. Disengaging has turned me around.. it's hard.. it's only my first day but we'll see how everything unfolds.
Take it in stages if you feel
Take it in stages if you feel too guilty at first. When you see how good it feels you will continue the movement at your pace. For example, continue to take her out but only to activities you would want to do on your own, eg your type of movie, etc. Give us some examples of what things you do for her and we could suggest some ways of watering this down.
On days that SD and I are on
On days that SD and I are on speaking terms, we go have ice cream or something indulgent. She is in high spirits when things are being bought for her and when it is ALL ABOUT HER. I took her out to lunch for her birthday then we all went out to dinner that night also. DH just bought her a car (co-signed) and she is on cloud 9. I cleaned up after her, offered to take her to school (pre-car days) and drop her off/pick her up when she went to a friend's house. She hardly cleans or helps out.. ONLY when DH asks her to. For me, it's like pulling teeth. I do everything. I guess that's what being SM is about: the piss-on that gets talked about and taken advantage of.
OK my view would be, if you
OK my view would be, if you don't want to disengage all in one hit, then just do the indulgent thing if you like it too. If you guys can afford it and it keeps her off your backs, have the meals and treats out as before as they are fun. However, cleaning up and ferrying can go immediately. If she creates so much mess that it impacts on you, and if DH won't help her clear it immediately himself, then see if he will hire a maid. If he can't or won't, keep nagging about the maid until he confronts her.