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Crazy adult stepdaughter

bwhit72's picture

My adult (20 yo) SD had twins in july and has literally done everything she can to exclude me from a relationship with the girls. She will Call and make sure I am not home before bringing them over. Ive seen them 3 times in 7 months.  Yesterday my husband put a stop to it and said from now on both sides his and my adult children will come by when we are BOTH home so we can both have a chance at a relationship with OUR grandchildren. 

She came unhinged to say the least. Saying i dont make the rules its HIS house. If ahe wants to come by she will etc etc. Now we btoh agreed on this decision and i snet same outcome to MY adult children who were all ok and nothing ridiculous said BUT good lord she is still going on 8 hours after texting him saying she isnt going to wait until I'm home to babysit him to see his grandchildren.

I told hom she is just proving my point...which was that she dodsnt want me involved. Im very hurt. I run when ahe calls and needs something and he ia gone on military leave or whatever. When she slit her wrist (yes...psycho) i was the one there BUT not good enough for girls I guess.

I love this man more than life BUT his two oldest children are almost becoming a deal breaker 

jam's picture

What does your dh say about sd becoming "unhinged"? What is his reaction when sd said you don't make the rules and its HIS house?

bwhit72's picture

He texted her and told her ita the way it is going to be and she could deal with it or not because he was not single anymore and we are a family..its a package deal. He told her to give him one legitimate reason to something i have done to her and she couldn't.

piegirl's picture

It seems your SD is truly proving her colours with that! Did you have a relationship with her before the twins came along?

bwhit72's picture

Its always been strained a bit since some allegations she made which got my husband arrested years back BUT I am always the one trying. Texting aksing about the girls etc. I have done nothing to.her. she and he brother both dont like anyone he is ever with but she wont diesrespect me in my home. She can stay away...

tog redux's picture

But - they aren't YOUR grandchildren. She has every right to not allow you to see them. I'm not saying it's okay to treat you that way, but you aren't entitled to a relationship with her kids. Now, DH can set the rule he set, but she can also choose to cut you both out if she wants. 
 

I hear you did a lot for her and it hurts to be excluded. But that was your choice and it doesn't obligate her to let you be Grandma to her kids. I certainly would not do anything more for her going forward. And I would not get attached to her kids, she can take them out of your life whenever she pleases. 

bwhit72's picture

We dont look at it that way. We both are grandparents to all of our grandchildren on BOTH sides. She can make that choice but she is the one choosing for him not to see them either then. She can sure call me when she wants something and thats fine..I am good enough for that. All we asked is that all of them follow the same rules mine  and his..and if she cant do it then that will be on her...not me. 

tog redux's picture

You can see it as you please, but they are her kids and she decides if she wants to you to be grandma to her kids. IMO, it's a very entitled position to decide someone's kids are your grandkids when they aren't. 

bwhit72's picture

You can have your opinion all you want but our agreement upon entering this relationship was that all got treated equally or it would never work out. No.more.mine and yours all OURS. So all can follow rules or stay away... not hard and definitely not entitled at all. 

Swim_Mom's picture

So you look at her kids as your grandchildren? We have 7 kids between us 26 down to 15, but for me, the only grandchildren I will have, will be the children of my own kids. Given my oldest is only 20 and plans on Medical School, I don't think I'll have any grandchildren anytime soon. But DH's oldest daughter could theoretically have a baby in next couple of years as she's been with same guy for years - living together, not married yet. I would view the kid as DH's grandchild but not anything to me as I've met his daughter like 5 times (she's always lived in another state) and don't really care for her actually. How do you figure - are the kids not an extension of SD? It is great you are being fair and consistent. I just could not think of any kid as any relation to me, if I have no relationship with the parents.

mskaye2012's picture

I would be elated if my husband kids and grandkids only came over when I'm gone...that's the only time I come home and I have absolutely no desire to interact with the grandkid. It's funny because she thought she was punishing me until she realized I really don't want to babysit. Now she wants to force her on me not a chance. 

bwhit72's picture

It hasnt Always been this way with us. We were vey close and I've been trying to get it back that way. It got a bit strained when she accused him for like 13 to 15 years old of molesting her (which was disproved) so a bit of strain there for a while BUT we all moved past it. Yes we both look at them all as OUR grandchildren. He doesnt care for my daughter much BUT he is amazing wit the kids and we will do anything for any of the babies. He refers to them all as the grandkids. Period. So do I. I married him, therefore his family is MY family. I want a relationship with them and im not the one hindering it she will call and make sure i am not home before miraculously being in town and stopping by. Hes now onto her game and is upset also becasue ive been good to them ALL

tog redux's picture

But - you aren't entitled to a relationship with them just because you've decided you are the grandparent. In her mind, you aren't the grandparent. Do her views not count at all?

Maybe instead of demanding you have a right to a relationship with her kids, you should give her some space and listen to what she wants.

bwhit72's picture

Demand anything. We just set a rule and she is having a meltdown over it and maybe instead of focusing on the one that cant be an adult you could see the point of how everyone else WITH children reacted except ONE. Nobody else had an issue with it but her. But hey it is her decision and so she has decided that they now have no grandparent on this side.... Good for her becasue truly the only ones sufffering are those kids. I am the one that does all the stuff for them not my husband. Im the one that bought the double stroller the baby clothes the christmas....so yep shes the smart one. Yet she can call yesterday and ask me to take them to the doctor because she doesn't drive...well...no.

Whatever...what she wants is her and her brother and her dad only and that wont ever be again. There are other children and a wife now...(yes that has been stated by both older kids) so maybe she should grow up some.

tog redux's picture

Well, obviously, for your DH, this is worth giving up his grandkids, so I suppose that's his choice.

Survivingstephell's picture

When you both bring kids into the relationship, equal expectations for both sides should be a given.  I don't see a problem with that and shows that you and spouse are a united front and couple.  That's what we want isn't it??? 

When one kid demands special treatment, it can't be allowed. To keep the peace and equalibrium in place, expectations must be kept the same.  Now said kid can choose to participate or not and its sad when they choose to pull away.  Letting them cause division and destruction  in the family should be avoided.  

Now there are some who don't bring kids in to the realtionship, only one side does.  From what I've seen, its harder to find balance with that .  

What DH and I were told and learned in therapy is we get to set the tone of our house.  As adults that's our right to do and if the kids don't like it, its on them, not us to change to their whims and desires.  Everyone is welcome in our house and we expect to be treated with respect and to have the skids treat each other with respect.  3 of them chose not to respect their dad.  Their loss.  We have enough love for everyone. 

OP, has your SD been checked for PP Depression?? 

shamds's picture

and half/stepsiblings come in the picture once your skids are over 6yrs of age, they will struggle to view you as family because you are the enemy and why their parents can’t be together again even if it were an extremely toxic marriage

Sadge56's picture

a lot. Thanks Dr Phil for dashing my hopes that things will improve.

Rags's picture

OP, your DH laid down the rules so that is the way it is.  No great loss really.  This manipulative, wrist slashing, lying, false alegation filing whack job can either do as she is told by her father or stay away... with her twins.

What is sad is that the twins very well may not have their grandfather to mitigate some of the crap they inherit from their whack job of a mother's contribution to their gene pool.

I hope that your DH can stand firm.

CLove's picture

You must cut your losses (or slash them), and not fight with this skidult. She is acting very entitled and crappy.

Ignore her and focus on your other kiddos.

still learning's picture

The woman had twins and wants them to have a relationship with their grandfather, not you.  It may not be what you want but really this isn't about you.  I get not wanting to be excluded and disrespected in your own home, same here. This is where you give DH the freedom to see her and the grands on his own outside of your home.  He should be welcome to have a relationship with his daughter and her kids. Send him to her house with an overnight bag, seriously, let him go.  He may be presenting a united front with you now but this rarely lasts in steplife. He will end up caving, seeing them secretly, and then resent you for time lost with the grands.  

It sounds like she has underlying issues as well. It would be best not to demand a relationship with her and her children. Why force this? What are you trying to prove?  Why put so much energy into this when you have your own kids and grands. If a stepparent demanded to be a part of my kids lives and we'd had a rocky past I'd probably react the same way.  

It's human nature to want what you can't have. SD is using the babies as pawns and she will for the rest of her life.  It would be good for you to emotionally disenage now. Love them, buy them gifts, do whatever feels right for you. Just don't expect appreciation or any kind of recripricol behavior in return.  In my case, I enjoy gskids and care for them. DH is free to visit whenever he wants and they're free to come over. DH enjoys his grands but he gets exhausted by them so the visits generally don't last long.  

Just focus on you and your family and let DH deal with his. You're not the grandmama and DH saying it won't make it so.  

AlwaysHope's picture

Your SD will continue this manipulation, it is her nature to fear and hate. You have so much love to give to your other family, don't waste your energy here. If she lets you see them, great, if not.. so be it.

thisisus's picture

It's not you. You are doing the right thing by wanting to be in their lives. My adult SD will eventually do the same thing to me. She needed someone to hate in her life and I was just the east target. When she has kids and excludes me, which will happen because I can predict everything she does. I will be fine with it. Parenting is rough and adult kids today usually need help. Her exclusion only hurts herself and her kids. Let her be the drama queen and disengage. I don't have grandkids yet but I have grandpets. I get asked to pet sit to help them out and I do. That's with my normal SS who has treated me with respect and kindness. My adult SD is just out in her own world. Honestly, I pray to God she does not have children because she's mentally ill. But, if she does and want to exclude me, I'm fine with that. She can enjoy less help. You are obviously a good person. Let her dig her own grave. When you want to do things for those kids, do it. It drives my SD nuts that I am so polite and sweet to her. She would love for me to be a bitch. I just refuse no matter how nuts she acts. I win every single time by being the bigger person. People who create drama are simply unhappy people. Think about it. By excluding you and creating drama, she has a situation to blame her unhappiness on. Without you, she would have to look on the inside. Many emotionally unstable cannot do that or they could completely break down.