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Teen SD. How does one get through the teenage years?

StepMomSparkles's picture

I've been reading through this forum specifically. Trying to find something that would help me out without having to post. Finally realized I should just post in hopes of some advice. 

Here's the situation: 

I've been with my DH for 8+ years and we've been married the last two. He has two older boys that are 23 and 25. They were 16 and 18 when I moved in so never really had to do the whole stepmom thing with them. I am close-ish with the 25 year old and was very close to the now 23 year old, while he was living with us. Now, we are still close but he has a wife and baby so of course that relationship has changed. 

Then, there's the SD. She's now 12. I've been around her since she was 4. She's a good kid, for the most part. Honestly, she's a normal pre-teen. That being said, how do she and I get through her teenage years? Since becoming a middle schooler her grades have dropped from all A's and B's to now A's, B's and C's but they were much lower. We are doing our best to keep an eye on that because the ex-wife is pretty useless and doesn't. 6th grade math/science/language arts is probably over her level. But, I digress.

Lately the SD has been telling lies. Not earth-shattering lies but lies all the same. Her father, my DH, just either doesn't see it or ignores it. She makes excuses. I call her out on those. The DH gets irritated that I call her out on those. We ask her repeatedly to do her chores..and they are miniscule. I'm talking keep her room picked up and brush her teeth before bed. Again, not earth-shattering. There are times that she doesn't do that. The room? Never clean. That drives me bananas as I'm used to living alone and having a clean house and I've tried so hard to disengage and not worry about the mess but it drives me crazy. 

So, that's the backstory. I'm going crazy. Or at least I'm very depressed. I don't feel that I have a say in the house at all. I have recently stayed in my home office to get away from her. I shouldn't have to hide in my own home. Reprimanding her makes my DH irritated and upset. So, I try to bottle it all up, which I know isn't healthy but makes for a civil house. I am a very independent person. Thus the reasonn it took until I was 40 to get married and never had kids. My SD is dependent on my DH for everything. I can't stand that. I want her to have some independence. She desires to have none and even says she never wants to grow up. Oh and did I mention she calls her dad da-da? 

I really don't know what my question is besides, how do I get through this? I don't want to be around her and I hate that. I am a very positive person and I love her. I'm learning that I don't love her as my own because I don't know what that feels like so how do I know if that's true? I know that I do love her and would do anything for her. But she is there all. the. time. We were suppposed to have 50/50 custody of her and instead we have her 90% of the time. Again, worthless BM. How do I get through her teenage years without feeling like an outsider in my own home? I don't feel like I'm allowed to do anything but love her. I can't get on her for her room. Can't ask her to do chores. I can spend my money on clothing for her. I can take her places and do fun things with her. But, it is so frowned upon if I ask her to do chores. 

I'm just exhausted and have no one to talk to because my friends are all parents and don't understand the pressures of not only being a stepmom but being one without children of my own. I already get odd looks because I never had kids. Trust me, I wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself and when I found my DH, he already had his kids and I love him more than my need for a kid and I love our life when it's just me and him. I love his kids dearly...alll of them but is it wrong for me to want time with my husband alone? 

K. Enough ranting. I hope I can get some kind of advice. I'm all over the place. Sigh.

ESMOD's picture

you cannot be the enforcer with her and have a positive relationship as a stepparent.. not to any great extent at least.  You are going to have to look to your DH to handle his child.. to be concerned for her grades.. to make sure she does chores as needed.

Now.. there is also the fact that if the chore doesn't impact YOU???? like her room is messy.. and the door can be closed so you don't have to see it? don't make that a hill to die on... if it is unsanitary food drawing bugs.. point THAT out to your husband and ask how he will handle it.

Don't complain about her.. but you can put in your 2cents in a way that shows concern and caring for her.  Honey.. have you thought about getting a tutor for your daughter.. she really seems to be struggling with her math and it must be a hit to her self esteem since she is normally a bright kid who does well in school.

You can also expect to have spaces in your home that you can enjoy too.. and I have no idea why people don't send their kids to their room to watch tv or play on their phones or whatever... but I would look at your house and see what options are there for everyone to have some space.. it's fine for you to go to your office to hang out for privacy and peace.. make it a sanctuary.. but also if you want to be in the living room.. it's fine to ask her to go hang out in her room because you want to watch your show on the big tv or something like that.

StepMomSparkles's picture

Thank you for not just saying you are doing it wrong or something like that but also offering advice. Great advice, actually. I am going to close the door. I need to do something so I don't focus on that. I love how you said to mention it to DH. I like that a whole lot. Then, the  room thing. We have a den and a living room. Den is hers to watch tv and living room is ours. Lately she's been hanging out the in the living room. I need some space. I don't want to ask her to leave. I just feel like I can't breathe without her around. And she talks. A lot. I need some quiet. I really, REALLY appreciate what you said about my office being a sanctuary. I was worried that was going to make me look bad for wanting my space but instead you make me feel like it's ok. 

Thank you! Any other advice is always welcome. 

Cover1W's picture

"Love them like your own" is a fallacy and happens not too often I think, especially for those of us here. It's not an instant thing! It's a new person you have to develop a relationship with and VICE VERSA!  Ignore this from anyone who says you must. Respect and kindness are a more attainable goal (both ways!).

If you have no kids most people will say you don't understand. I get it, but I am still a person and an adult and have a say in the household and have feelings and needs. I reminded people of this. That tended to shut them down pretty quick.

Do not talk with the situation with people who do not understand. Maybe they come around, but most NOT. I talk with a select few friends in life about everything. Most times my response is "things are fine" and do not go into details.  This site is essential for getting REAL feedback from those who really, really understand.

If your DH is not on board with any changes, feedback, parenting rules, chores, etc. you will not be able to do anything about it at all. I have been through it and I could do nothing about anything at all because DH either ignored it, undermined it or disagreed with it. So I just stopped trying, there was no way of doing anything so I just looked out for myself. This is in regards to DH's parenting, or SDs behavior.

This did not mean I rollled over and took it. I had my boundaries and when those were about to be broached I spoke with DH about what I needed, what I was going to do if behavior (or lack of) continued. And then I followed through. No need to yell or get angry at DH or skids because you inform your SO and that's that.

Make a list of what you are ok doing and living with and what are your absolute NOs. I did this and it was helpful. I was ok with buying new shoes so otten or clothing the may have needed now and then but I was not the provider (I was for several years too long) of all. I was ok cooking for everyone several times a week, but DH also had to help and cook meals several times a week. I would NOT drive SDs anywhere if I didn't have any say in when/where/why. I was ok with a messy room but FILTHY (rotting food, moldling towels, etc.) was not acceptable. If SDs ignored my demand they stay out of my house repair/tool cabinet I put a lock on it. If I didn't feel like interacting, I'd go out with friends or watch a show / read a book in our bedroom.

You have to learn to be adept at finding what langage your SO needs to hear. Is it firm but not asking him permission (best for me)? Is it more conversational, or a general request? Does he do better with a text? Don't be lead into circular arguments that "you don't understand because you aren't a parent" but why don't you helllllllp them learn to brush their teeth, take them to a movie, buy them a fancy outfit? NOPE. Your SO doesn't get it both ways.

You do not fall into the responsibility without authority trap.

As for time with your SO, I had this issue too. DH would simply never hire a sitter if they were with us. He often would not want to go places they might like sometimes if they were not with us. So I started to go out on my own!  Once he figured out we were not doing things tother and he asked me why I pointed out his part in that. It didn't solve the sitter issue, but they started staying the night with friends sometimes or when they were old enough to do so we left them at home for longer and longer periods.

 

Rose_Pedal's picture

Hey there!

I have a very similar circumstance with my SD11. I'm also childless myself (29.) It's only getting worse and worse- the drama, the poor grades, the mess, the dependency, helplessness, etc.

My fiancé is wonderful to ME but terrible at holding "his little princess" accountable. It affects me badly. I'm horrible at disengaging because I am not a passive person and I also hate her behavior. I want better for her and I want her to be able to take care of herself in the future and have self-discipline.

I speak about it often. DH used to get defensive at first- he tends to agree with me now but "doing" something about it is the problem.

I wish I could say that I love my SD but I don't. I will always be there to take care of her. I will be kind to her. I will respect her. I tell her I love her, but in my heart and mind I don't. She's not my child and the way she has been raised and how she acts makes it so hard for me to relate to her. I HOPE someday I can develop a love for her. I know I probably sound like a monster saying that but I'm just being honest. 

I wish I could give you some words of encouragement or true advice but I don't have anything to offer besides empathy.

I'm in the rut of this stuff myself. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Girls can be a handful! I have 4 BDs and 2 SDs.   I would tell you to be yourself, own your boundaries and think about role modeling another type of woman to SD.  She has her BM as one example, you be another.  When they (DH and SD ) complain about your standards and boundaries ( they will test them)  stand up for yourself.   Is SD boy crazy type?  That will sink the grades , middle school is the worst one for girls, they start playing stupid, teachers start calling on the boys more , it's just the beginning of the misogyny that runs rampant in the US.  Show her a baddass lady by example .   

Rags's picture

Though not a StepDad or BioDad to girls, this is what I did while raising my SS with his mom.

It was not as clear and crisp as you advised, it just worked out that I modeled a diametrically opposed example to that the Spermidiot presented.

Not all due to me of course, however, the one of the Spermidiot's spawn I raised is doing great.  Of the three he ostensibly raised.... one is on the dole, one is in prison, and the youngest is not far behind his inmate brother.

...own your boundaries and think about role modeling another type of woman to SD...

Thanks for sharing that advice Survivingstephell.

*give_rose* 

 

Cricket74's picture

I joined this site becuase I needed somewhere to turn to vent my fustrations.  I too was tired of hearing "you're not a real mom. you will never understand", or even hearing my DH say he knows how I feel.   I completely understand the love/hate feeling.  I love my Skids, but I don't like one of them as a person. 

I am in my late 40's and never had children. I live with my 20yrSD and 15yrSD.  The 20yrSD is a good young lady trying to figure out what she wants to do for school and work, and sees how her BM is immature and guilts her into situations to spend time with her. She will come to me for advice and knows that I just want her to live her best life.  The 15yrSD is a complete opposite. Cannot do anyting for herself, horrible hygiene and room is always a mess. 

My DH and I are just coming out of a pretty severe rough patch becuase I lost $hit over how I felt in my home.  We were close to divorce if something didn't change (mostly on his part).  When DH and I first got together I did everything for Skids and very little was asked of them. We tried chore lists (20yr was 18y at the time and still in HS and she did great) - the other... ha!   15ysSD chore for phone priveledges is put dishes away every day & keep her room clean.  DH and MIL says that SD attitude is just due to the age, so I placed a $500 bet that when she turns 17yr she is still be the same.  15yrSD is spoiled, manipulative, and unappreciative, and I informed my DH of my thoughts on that during one of our arguements. 

Your DH needs to be the one to discipline her and make her more responisble.  I keep her bedroom door closed, and when I feel it has reached a level that is just too gross, I have my DH tell SD to clean her room, or he will clean it (with a trash bag) and she won't have cellphone for a month.  I no longer buy her anything that is outside of a neccessity, and tell her to ask her father when she has a question or needs something. 

I count the days to when we can have a quiet, Skid free and clean home.