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Can't love step kid

Spaf1025's picture

I have a step daughter who's 8 and a 2 month old baby of my own. I feel horrible and would love to make things better so I'm turning to this for advice.

I can't stand my step daughter. She's not a bad kid, in fact she's respectful for the most part. Some things that annoy me are normal kid behavior, Making messes, thinking she's the center of the universe, attitude, crying. She absolutely adores me and wants to be hugging/kissing/following me around, asking me to do her hair and telling me she loves me every 10 minutes. I never get time with my baby because she is always right there. I can't stand the touching, hugging and things. It makes my skin crawl and I want to throw her off me and run away. I know it's awful to feel that way towards a kid who's own mom doesn't love her. These negative feelings developed slowly, at first I enjoyed her presence but after a while I discovered how manipulative she is and it really creeps me out.

I work from 8a-2p and dh works 2p-10p so I work then come home and step kid gets off the bus then I have her until she goes to bed. Dh also works most weekends because we are saving money to buy a house so I also have step kid most weekends. Her mom has EOW visits but cancels a lot! Dh is very supportive and if step kid is ever bad for me he deals with it. The sad thing is even dh gets extremely annoyed with his kid and while he does cuddle her and things I dont believe he enjoys spending time with her. She's a lot of work with her clinging and inability to be away from adults for any length of time.

I told dh I'm getting burnt out having her so much but he can't switch his schedule and neither set of grandparents want to watch the kid, they always have an excuse and I can tell she annoys them too. She doesn't have friends because she can't get along with kids and she annoys the parents.

I feel awful because I'm sure she can feel my hate and coldness towards her and no one else besides dh seems to love or even like her. I don't understand why I can't just love her and make everyone's lives easier. She's just creepy and annoying. I love my nieces & nephews and I've even loved kids in my classroom so I know I'm capable of loving another person's kid. I just can't love her and it's getting to the point where her presence annoys me so much that I feel like I hate being home and as much as I love dh I've considered leaving bc I'm so miserable. Feels like there's an annoying neighbor kid living in my house. Thats the amount of love/attachament i have for her.. It sucks because that's the only time I get to spend with my baby daughter. Do you think counseling will help? Does this get better?

Spaf1025's picture

Lol your toddler has more independence, I totally know what you mean. Babysitting my 3 year old nephew is easier than watching step kid. He will at least play independently. Heck even my 2 month old will sit in her bouncy chair quietly while I take a shower. Step kid is the one knocking on the bathroom door needing something every 2 mins. Ugh!

Mrs Flibble's picture

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ms_peterson's picture

Yep! It drives me NUTS when people say "not my kid, not my problem." Seriously? How ugly! I cannot think of a more pure form of truly loving your spouse than also loving his children, or at least trying to love his children if you truly feel you can't.

To be honest, if you're that creeped out about the kid and others are too, I would suggest taking her to see a therapist (or have her father do it if you are not comfortable with this...in my situation I wouldn't be because of bio mom issues, although I would if that issue were not present). Often times our intuitions about people are screaming at us and we aren't listening. She could be so clingy because she senses that people try not to be around her. How heartbreaking for such a young person!

Orange County Ca's picture

A needy clingy step kid who is with you some 99% of the time or close to it.

Tough nut to crack isn't it? To keep your sanity you have to reject a kid who is being rejected by everyone around her. Well its a tough world and I guess its time for her to learn to live in it.

First any counseling you two can afford will help. Either for her, you or both - all three for that matter.

But you can start insisting that she start to mend her ways. In age appropriate language explain to her that people, including you, other adults and kids, cannot pay attention to her all the time. Insist that she stay in a certain area of the house to play. Don't be shy about explaining why other people don't like to be with her. It doesn't have to be in critical language, directed at her, but an explanation of how people act. "People don't cling, they play fair, they share, they don't talk all the time, etc etc". Again in age appropriate language.

Seriously consider day care after school even though you are at home. Your sanity will be helped and the kid will be thrust into a group that almost has to deal with her. Of course explain to the day care people what she needs and enlist their help. I know you're saving for a house but some things have to take priority.

Spaf1025's picture

Thank you so much for the input! I agree that I didn't sign up to be my step kid's mom- I assumed since she had a mom and dad that I would not have to take on a real parenting role. Well obviously I was wrong as I'm the one who is doing 90% of it. I like the idea of explaining things to her in age appropriate ways and also just telling her that I need space. That's what I've been wanting to do I'm afraid of hurting her feelings and causing her to end up even more screwed up but for my own sanity and happiness I have to do something so I'll give that a try!

The kid is in counseling, her dad takes her because he was concerned about her inability to keep friends. He doesn't know the negative feelings I have towards her. The counselor says she has acceptance issues and is controlling- surprise surprise! This week I'm going to find a counselor, insurance covers it so I have nothing to lose.

This weekend was especially hard because I had plans to go spend a night with my best friend who lives 2 hours away and also has a new baby. I was looking forward to the break for weeks and of course BM decided not to show up for her visit and dh had to work so I cancelled. I feel better after venting & getting some advice. Thanks again!

dledden's picture

I don't think it gets better, i went to counseling to talk about my dislike for my stepkid. didn't help, i still don't like him.....