You are here

Christmas Vacation Drama

rachaelnoel92's picture

SO's parents decided to buy SO and HIS daughters tickets for a Christmas cruise. They never asked me if I wanted to go or had the consideration to ask if I minded being alone with my toddler son for a whole week. I am hurt, disappointed, and furious for the following reasons: 

1: They think i'm dumb enough to believe that they didn't think this trip through. Step daughters talk crap about me all the time to grandparents, i'm convinced they planned this to exclude me so that SO and his daughters can have christmas alone. I include daughters in all of the trips that we plan. 

2; Winter is my busy season at work and i am being left at home to fend for myself with my toddler son. 0 consideration. 

3: SO expects me to host holiday dinners and cater to their schedules. Sorry not playing happy family and catering to them when they are willing to leave "Family" behind. Trust is gone. Family bond is gone.  

4: I do EVERYTHING for SO and his daughters despite the fact that I work full-time and they do not pitch in around the house. Why can't they acknowledge that I pick up the family's slack? 

5: SO is totally cool with leaving me and son at home while they vacation together. He doesn't care about my feelings I suppose. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with this man. I wish I could start over. 

MurphysLaw's picture

Is your toddler your SOs child?

if so, he would find his clothes on the lawn & the locks changed upon his return …Merry Mutha feckin Christmas Punk.

Gimlet's picture

Best part is the older SD isn't even her DH's kid, so they are taking BM's kid but not their other grandson.  Surprised they didn't invite BM too. 

I would absolutely walk over this level of disrespect.  Your husband should be advocating for you, not carelessly pushing you aside.

susanm's picture

What his parents do is beyond his control.  What he does is another story entirely.  He is fully capable of purchasing another ticket to include you and your son together so that you can come or arranging to change the tickets in some way for another cruise if you can't get away because of work.  Or simply refuse the gift altogether because it is simply not going to work and his parents can give it to someone else.  He is an adult and does not have to do what mommy and daddy tell him to do.  Cheerfully leaving you and your young child together alone over Christmas is in no way OK.

hereiam's picture

I wish I could start over. 

Do it. I know it's not exactly what you mean since you now share a kid with him, but you can start over. You don't have to stay with someone who allows, and participates in, this kind of disrespect and exclusion.

ndc's picture

Well, at least you know where you stand in this "family."  Sounds like it's you and your son on the one hand, and the "first family" on the other.  If this was just the grandparents arranging a trip and your SO wasn't going along with it without regards for your feelings, I might feel differently, but I really do think he just told you by his actions where you rate on his list of priorities.  

Knowing this, you have some decisions to make.  Please don't think that you can't start over - you can.  If you're willing to be the family outcast and be treated with disrespect, knowing that you're not your SO's priority, I guess that the status quo is one of your options.  I personally would take this as a sign to start getting my ducks in a row and preparing to leave.  Your mutual son means you'll always have a tie to your SO and makes things stickier, but you are not stuck by any means.  In the meantime, stop doing for them.  If they want "family" things, let your SO and his daughters do their own planning.  Don't include the skids in your planning. Remember, you're only a member of the family when it's convenient for them, so there's no need for you to put in the effort.  Stop cleaning up after them.  Let them fend for themselves. 

In any event, I'd talk to a lawyer to get the lay of the land and see what your options look like if you decide to leave your pathetic excuse for a partner.

Lollybobs's picture

Wow...just wow. That is unbelievably horrible. So what did your OH say about you not being included?

notarelative's picture

You have a SO problem. If SO is willing to go on a family vacation and leave you and his son at home, your relationship is over. If he's willing to miss a toddler Christmas (the best ones in my book), he's not much of a dad to his son. 

Holiday dinners . SO's parents have shown they don't consider you or your child family. They wouldn't be eating at my table. They can go have dinner with whoever they consider family. 

Adding. Coming back to add after I thought about this.

If this happens this year, you may be looking at future years too. My DH's ex took the kids to visit her parents one year. He stayed home as he had used his vacation time for a family vacation in the summer. That one year turned into multiple. (It might be their last Christmas. He shouldn't deprive the kids of spending time with them. It was warm where parents lived and cold here.) DH spent his Christmas alone for years. (Ex and kids did call to wish him a Merry Christmas). 

If the grandparents and the kids enjoy the cruise, and the grandparent money is there, expect a repeat. Maybe not at Christmas, if BM is not invited and objects to the time, but a repeat where you are not invited.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, I'm stunned.

I can't believe your husband didn't tell his parents that "thanks.. but no thanks".. that time of year doesn't work for me and my wife."

no words really.. this would not be acceptable to me.

SteppedOut's picture

I'm going to add... you know how you are feeling right now? While your son may not understand now, he eventually will be old enough to. He will be made to feel like you are right now. Get away from this poor excuse of a partner while your son doesn't understand.

I went through the same crap with my formerSO, with the added bonus of his kid tried physically hurting our baby multiple times, so I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm sorry.

Husband's wife's picture

I would be happy with such situation, because I would have a lot of facts and arguments to tell DH that I am not preparing any family dinners anymore, I am not including his kids in our trips and so on. It is an opportunity that you are offered here, enjoy ! 

Curious Georgetta's picture

winter is your busy time at work. Perhaps, the parents simply wanted to create a happy memory for father and daughters. They wanted to give them an experience that they might otherwise not be able to afford. Maybe their funds were limited and this is what they could afford.

You say that you are expected to host them. I would imagine that on occasion they have played host to you.

Maybe the girls indicated that they wanted a trip alone with dad. All of these are reasonable possibilities.

If the parents are polite and cordial to you , that is really all that they owe you.  They may think that if you travel that is an expense that your SO should incur as opposed to them.

If you want to go on a cruise, maybe you can plan  one for you and your SO.

I think that your anger is misplaced. They may see you as a great partner, but this may have been intended solely as a dad and daughter gift. That is not a slight  to you; you are simply not a part of that particular configuration.

My dad does an annual guys ' trip with his son, son in-laws, grandsons and nephews. Sometimes it is a cruise ; sometimes it is fishing, or skiing. Girls are not invited. It is not a slight ; it is simply a trip for a specific purpose - male bonding.

You can be a well loved or valued  members of a family and still not need to be involved in every single activity.

It would be offensive for them to think that as an adult you could not manage a toddler on your own for a few days. Single moms navigate children and jobs on a regular basis. If you need help. hire a sitter for a few days and wish your SO and the girls a bon voyage.


Thisisnotus's picture

Listen.....I would agree with most of your posts on here if WE WERE ALL INTACT FIRST FAMILIES...but we are not, so the advice is nonsense and irrelevant to blended family life.

not one single thing about blended/step families is like intact first families....NOTHING.  All the rules change.......all of the standards change...EVERYTHING changes.

Curious Georgetta's picture

one year my husband was away for  whatever reason, we would all survive and celebrate without missing a heartbeat. There are  career   military officers who spend many Xmas  away from their families.

It is absurd to suggest that one holiday a part is going to scar or damage anyone. What adult cannot manage to celebrate a holiday that comes every year with a minor change in plans. Actually, the OP can choose to celebrate Xmas when her SO returns. Certainly, the toddler is not likely going to object.


sickofstephell's picture

That is bizarre.

What is wrong with you?

Curious Georgetta's picture

Xmas are you suggesting that this adult woman cannot handle on her own? Are you suggesting that the OP 's partner 's  parents owed her a trip? Are you suggesting that she is incapable of managing her toddler  on her own?  Are you suggesting that this is going to be the last Xmas ever?

If the OP leaves this man as many are suggesting, she will certainly have ample opportunity to experience managing her toddler alone, having Xmas without this particular man. She will have the likely opportunity to discover how her next partner 's family views family configurations  and gift giving practices.  The only difference will be that she will be positioning her child as the step child in the new situation.

She will have the pleasure of one day explaining to her child that she left his /her father because the grandparents gave dad a gift that did not include her and that for 1 Xmas day it meant that dad would have been away from the home.

Certainly, any intelligent child is going to happily embrace the explanation that he/she grew up without his/her father in the home because mom was devastated that dad could not be in the home for 1 Xmas day.

I think most children would gladly forgo many Xmas day celebrations if the alternative meant growing up with dad in the home.

I guess my values and priorities may just be different.

shamds's picture

Was intentionally excluded. You can come up with a multitude of fake excuses like well maybe they only had enough money for the dad and grandkids and the non grandkid (ex bio mums kid), but what you fail to realise is that the op and her toddler are blood relatives (actual family and they have been excluded intentionally)

its basic manners that if you wanna invite you can do kids alone or both parents. You don’t get to invite the dad and some of his kids and his exwife’s kid (not even related) and justify or excuse it. 

No sane parent would even think this is acceptable. Heck I suggested once hubby take his 3 kids with ex on a trip alone during our 4th wedding anniversary since Hubby thought it was a fantastic idea to invite rude obnoxious and disrespectful kids/adults along for what should be a celebration about us.

hubby didn’t even consider it an option holidaying with 3 kids from exwife alone. He simply would never do it because me (his wife) and our 2 toddlers ( his kids) are his family too and excluding is not on like whats happening to op.

so lets not compare this to military families, they have no control over being stationed during holidays, op husband does have control over this and he wants to enjoy a holiday without the burden of a toddler and palm it off to the wife.

but i’m mot surprised, i recall you telling me this year that my husband should get me time and play golf on weekends and i hire a babysitter for my kids so hubby got off parent and father duty so i coupd complete assignments and exams, some beyond my control which can often fall on a particular weekend or day. You said I shouldn’t complain having to study and have 2 toddlers so I’m not surprised by your typical reply... 

curious georgetta maybe this year or next year for your wedding anniversary, you should book a holiday overseas or some famcy place alone, better still just take your kids and leave hubby home for a week while you enjoy your wedding anniversary on holiday alone. I doubt you’d ever come home to a happy husband. He’d likely have divorce papers there ready to be signed.

this is complete disrespect of this mans wife and child and they all enable it. So skids want a holiday with daddy, guess what?? They don’t get to force his hand. He is married with a wife and kids, selective exclusion is unacceptable in any relationship

those of us taking holidays without skids is because they are disrespectful and not pleasant to be around.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have spent many holiday's away from my dad (Military), exH (military) and DH (military)- NEVER, not once, ever would it have been an option to take a vacation with out me. That is the stupidest justification I think I have heard from you yet CG. 

OP- this would be deal breaker for me, just as others have suggested. I don't think I would say another word about it. I would change the locks/move out and file for divorce and custody while they were gone. Talk to a lawyer and see if this can be abandonment to keep the house. I am usually one for fighting fair in divorce and keeping things amicable but F this dude. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

SO ' parents may have viewed things differently. When we choose to define our actions in one way , that is our right; what we cannot do is insist that others share or accept our definition or perspective.




notarelative's picture

May view differently? Is the toddler not their grandchild until it if the parents are married? 

Yes, we cannot insist others share or accept our definition of perspective, but we do not have to placidly accept their mistreatment. 

This is not a guy off on a military assignment. This is not a guy who has no choice to be away from his partner and child. This is a guy who is voluntarily leaving his partner and toddler behind (on the holiday that children enjoy the most). 

OP has a right to be upset. How SO's parents view things is a problem, but not the major one. The major problem is that SO thinks this is in any way acceptable.

Rags's picture

Oh hell no. If your SO goes along with the shit his idiot parents are serving up when he gets back from this shallow and polluted gene pool cruise he should be met with his key not working and divorce papers.