Wine.

Seriously, if your husband isists on over paying, I would have a conversation with him about it, as well as your feelings about it.

If BM makes a good living, he would be better of saving that extra for his kids' college, or wedding, or to help with first home, or whatever (his own retirement?), instead of handing it to BM. If he can't really afford the extra, he certainly should not be giving it to BM.

Doing things out of guilt really isn't good for anybody. Well, BM, I guess.

I prefer Whiskey.

Hereiam is right. He needs to stop and think about what he is actually doing for his son my overpaying BM. The reality is nothing. He can use that money to buy SS things for your house. He can put it into a college or savings account. He can invest in sports or other actives for him. Giving it to BM though, is really only benefiting her and her lifestyle, not SS. 

BM here makes 100K as well, and DH has been ordered to pay $1000 in Child Support, for a lazy 20-year-old. That's bothersome enough, that he has to support his son's Failure To Launch, but if he gave BM MORE, I would not be happy.

Thankfully, he would never give BM anything more. Or SS, unless he worked around our house for it. (Which he won't do).

I just view it as another debt he has to pay off. 8 more payments.

How long have you and DH got to go until retirement? What's your end goal retirement plan? Seperate finances only work if you're both on the same page towards that end goal and keeping on track at hitting that target. My DH also once thought like yours and I used to seethe with resentment when BM (who also makes $100k+ per year) guilted/threatened him into paying more. Also, guilty daddy syndrome doesn't go away when the kiddies turn 18. My DH paid for almost 3 years after SD graduated until I lost it at him. 
 

Tequila and lime.

OP, how are you all splitting finances? What is the income disparity between you and DH? Do your kids live in your home, even part time?

If your kids aren't living in your home, and you're making significantly less than your DH, and you're living to DH's income lifestyle, AND you're splitting bills 50/50, you're getting screwed. 

I would split finances either by the number of bedrooms occupied by your brood versus his OR you each pay the bills based on the percentage of income you provide to the total pot.

For bedrooms, let's say you guys have a four-bedroom home. One bedroom is yours and DH's, his kids each have one room, and the fourth room is a guest room. Since your bedroom is half yours, and the guest room is half yours, then you pay 1/4 of the household bills because you only need that amount of space.

For income, let's say you and DH make $100,000 combined, but his income is $65,000 and your income is $35,000. Since you bring in 35% of the household income, you pay 35% of the household bills. The idea behind this is that, if you were on your own, you wouldn't live in as expensive of an area or house. Your living conditions are improved because your partner wants/can afford somewhere nicer. It's not equitable to have you pay for something you cannot afford while giving the person who can afford it a discount. It puts the spouse who makes less money in worse financial straits. 

I think there is a common misconception is that split finances means you don't have to talk about finances, and that's not true. There is still financial planning and emergencies that have to be discussed. If a pipe burst, how would you and DH pay for it? Do you each have an emergency fund? A joint emergency fund? How much do you two put into it? Or, if you're going to buy a new home, how much will each of you put down? How long will it take for each of you to raise that amount? What can you each afford in a mortgage?

You need to have a discussion with your DH about your financial security wants and needs. If you are truly struggling to make ends meet, but he's tossing hundreds of extra dollars a month to BM that aren't being directly used on the kids, I can totally see why you have resentment. It's not unreasonable to expect our spouses to help support us when we're working at our max capacity to support ourselves and them, too. 

So, make sure your finances are truly equitable first, and then have a frank discussion with your DH about what it is you'd like to see your household accomplish financially.

Her money is her money. His money is his money. His child support etc is a "debt" he came into your relationship with that you knew about and equally your kids are your "debt". There will always be people with more money than you and there will always be people with less than you. Try to be thankful to be somewhere in the middle. Comparisons do not help any of us. Try to avoid finding out about what BM is up to. If you see her stuff on social media, block her. If your husband talks about it with you, ask him not to. If the step kids talk about stuff, give bland responses and change the subject or leave the room. Try to find ways to focus on your life so that there is less room in your head for BM and whatever she is up to.

BM here makes at least $230K, but still takes 1/4 of DH's pay every month (he makes under 100K) and complains that it's not enough. She also tells the kids that she buys everything for them and never sends anything to our home. When DH wanted to take them to the family cabin where there was snow and asked if they could bring winter coats, she said, "it's not my responsiblity to buy winter coats for them to use with you!" Um, maybe not, lady, but do we really need to buy separate winter coats for 4 days a month (and yes, it gets cold enough where we live that kids need more than a sweatshirt during the winter months). 

It's difficult to get over the money resentment, but now we just spend less on them when they are with us. No trips, limited extras. We do not have split finances and we've made enough poor decisions to spend too much on SSs, so I'm done. 

I don't know what to tell you except that you need to sort out your own feelings. Why are you really upset he gives her money? Is it because you feel like he is "helping" her instead of helping you? If you need help financially why don't you ask him for help OR try to find out way to improve your own income and get rid of unneccesary expenses. Even if you don't want to accept money from him maybe rearrange household bills and finances in a way that's more income based split. Usually we focus on what other people have when its something we want or don't think its something they deserve to have when others work harder but you just have to remind yourself it is not your place to decide who deserves what and we have no clue what its costing her to have all of these things. 

Also....remember just because she has more financial freedom, doesn't make her a better person. More money-more problems; when the kids get older they will just keep siphoning more money from her meanwhile they will come to you for other nonmonetary things like love, attentions, advice, quality time. 

But is your resentment justified?  When you are living together or married, even though finances may be "separate," the other partner still pays.  Just one example: DH's bio-daughter wants a Sweet 16 party that winds up costing $2,000 (cheap).  So, due to that, less money for the year, so no vacay or cheaper vacay for you and your DH.  Multiply scenarios like that over and over throughout the year.  And, that is even exclusive of child support, which should, of course, be paid.  Technically a SM doesn't have to fork over one dime for her SKs to wind up "paying" over and over.  It’s not all “his money to handle as how he sees fit.”

Even tho. my DH and I do separate our finances, for the most part, I am not on board when anyone implies that somehow DH's obligation to his kids (financial, etc.) can be separated out from everything else in a shared household.  They can't.  First of all, that isn't what any marriage is supposed to be about: Yours and mine and no ours.  Maybe, just maybe if it is a second, more convenience-sake type marriage for both, I get it.  But the problem is too many think or assume that is the way EVERY marriage with a DH and SM should be.

When you married your DH did you sign up for a business deal or a marriage?  I signed up for a marriage.  I know if I signed up for a marriage, if my DH was shelling out any kind of money, no matter how much he makes or whom it is for, I’d want to know about it and discuss, just like what is supposed to go on in any other marriage.  Also, as someone said on a different post too, separate income says nothing about the quality of the marriage or relationship.  Is it more so BM’s unchecked financial demands that are bothering you?  In which case, you’re justified to be pissed (because your DH, and his money, is kowtowing to another women) and you need to work that out with DH.

I get it. My DH pays the BM $3500/month.  Come on.  I get over it by being successful.  Shes chooses to work a crappy part time job because shes lazy. Despite having teenagers (if they were young skids totally different story) and multiple degrees.

I put myself through grad school and am super proud of what I have accomplished.  And not a penny of mine will ever go to her.

...assuming you plan to spend the rest of your lives together, at some point you will enter retirement years. I suppose it is possible to continue to proportionally split expenses at that point, but I cannot picture that. Say you estimate that you have 5 good healthy years left to travel. DH can afford it, but you can only afford to maintain living expenses. Is he going to travel alone? I hope not!

My DH and I have very separate finances, but I envision at some point in the future we will determine timing of drawing upon 401k's etc and investments/savings based on tax optimization. At that point, though we will still track assets separately for inheritance purposes, we will decide how we want to live out the rest of our lives - together. 

DH used to pay like 40% of his income to BM - he had 5 years of maintenance and yes I resented it but that was his legal divorce agreement. Now he just pays CS $1100 per month for his 15 year old son and that's it. But if he were to be stupid enough to pay more than the legal requirement, I would have a huge problem with it. Because it is a finite pot and ultimately will affect our retirement and our lives together.

I suspect that BM might respect him more if he had a story and stuck to it - not open the door to be steamrolled. Pay the legally required amount and that should be it! Don't put up with anything else from him. 

I'm sorry your dh cares more about his ex than you.

Only you can make your situation better.

I have 4 kids with my exhusband. I have sole placement. I receive 1000 for 4 kids...it is plenty to cover his half of their expenses. 

Kids are 6, 9, 10, 14

Oops double posted my reply

I honestly don't think I will ever be able to get over the money part of it all. We paid for WAY MORE than our "50%" of medical related expenses to the tune of thousands of dollars, in addition to CS, and BM doesn't think she owes us a penny. "You can't get blood from a stone" she always f@%#ing says.l, claiming she has no money. Well WTF are you doing with the money you take from DHs paycheck every week you miserable c%#t?! Can you tell I don't like her? Ha!

If you are struggling to make ends meet then perhaps he really isn't paying his fair share of your home's expenses?  Do you find yourself buying things for the home from "your money"?  Do you end up doing splurges for meals etc.. with "your money"?  I think it's time to have a frank conversation with him about paying his EX more than is ordered.. when his actual real life wife is struggling to get by.  You could point out the luxuries that it appears the EX can afford that your home goes without and that his paying extra is part of the reason why that is possible.

You understand he has an obligation to pay support for his children.. but paying more when you are doing without things is not right either.