Overstepping-playing favorites MIL (please help!)
So Friday for SD5's birthday, we checked her and SD7 out of school an hour early to go have a birthday lunch at SD5's favorite Mexican restaurant. SD7 got in trouble and a note in her folder from her teacher for talking and playing in class instead of paying attention and doing her work. DH's punishment for her was a simple talking to and 10 minutes in time out when we got home to think about her bad decisions and what she should do next time to not get in trouble. Well... SD7 starts crying at the table. And DH tells her to stop crying and showing her butt since 10 minutes in time out is nothing compared to spankings which is what she'd get if she didn't stop (she cries over nothing just to get attention and sympathy). Well.... DH's mom yells at DH telling him not to talk to SD7 like that then takes her to the bathroom to coddle her and baby her. Then when they get back from their arse kissing bathroom party, me and DH are fuming. MIL says the girls can come with her after lunch and DH says no. That SD7 still has to have her time out. MIL asks if she can just do her time out at her house and gets pissy when DH says no. Then after time out, she takes the girls (not including our sonbecause she "can't handle him") to play at her house and go out for dinner at Chick-Fil-A. They FINALLY get home around 9pm! Way past the girls bedtime! I'm tired of MIL overstepping and excluding mine and DH's son. He may be 2yo but he's really easy to handle, but for some reason she doesn't want to try. She's only babysat our son ONCE in the 2 YEARS he's been alive but has kept the girls every chance she got. How do we handle the overstepping, manipulation, exclusion, favoritisms and straight up ignorant pettiness of the MIL? I really need help before I just grab my son and leave this crazy situation (1.overly troublesome BM, 2.DH who won't set boundaries for his kids, his mother or his ex and has me do most of the parenting and caregiving of his daughters and most if not all dealing with BM, 3.MIL who keeps undermining mine and DH's authority as parents and plays favorites leaving our son out of all plans she has to fun with the kids
“...DH tells her to stop
You have much bigger problems than an overstepping MIL, if this is how your husband handles the emotions of his young children.
Young children cry because their needs aren’t being met, they’re tired, overly stimulated, etcetera. If your husband thinks young children are cunning enough to get themselves worked up for (negative) attention and/or sympathy, perhaps he should get himself into some parenting classes.
Certainly true at least part
Certainly true at least part of the time. Kids also cry and carry on to manipulate. Say for example to avoid punishment and gain the sympathy of and an aliance with an overbearing Grand Mother because they know dad can be intimidated by his mommy.
Everyone has watched as a kid who is perfectly fine gets a look on their face when they are told something they don't like and turns on the whailing water works. This has zero to do with their needs or anything else other than them manipulating to get what they want.
If they are fed, warm, clothed, well rested and given a hug occasstionally then their needs are being met and their behavior is their concerted choice.
IMHO of course.
Here’s the bad part...
Here's the bad part... she CAN get herself worked up for negative attention. She learned from her BM who is a manipulative narcissistic p.o.s... SD7 is growing to be just like her and I cringe when she says she says she's anything like me. I've seen her go from smiling laughing and having fun to bawling like a baby for no reason other than Grandma came in and she wanted babied
Completely disagree children
Completely disagree children can be very cunning and manipulative from a very young age. Not in the same way an adult takes advantage of some but children learn through behavioral training. If they cry and get out of trouble or get attention or sympathy it becomes a learned behavior to act that way.
Boundaries, boundaries,
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Oh, and some consequences, too. That is what your MIL needs.
You and your SO have to present a strong united front, and he has to be very specific in his communications with his mother. The law needs to be laid down and her boundary stomping called out. For example, the next time MIL wants to take the skids, your SO could say "No, mom. The last time we allowed you to take the skids you brought them home very late. This disrupts their routine and takes away from our family time". When she interferes with parenting, end the visit immediately. Basically you take away kid access until she accepts your rules and conditions. She won't like it, so prepare for battle. There will be tantrums, she'll test your boundaries for weak spots and likely try to divide and conquer. And, this will only work if your SO is willing to stand up to his mother. If he's a sissy mama's boy, give marriage counseling a try.
Changing a dynamic takes time, commitment, and hard work. Your MIL has had all the power for a long time, and she's not going to give it up easily.
Julie Mac,
Julie Mac,
You are always so much nicer about these things than I am.
Such a sweety.
Now I will contemplate how I can be more like you. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
It takes all kinds, Rags.
Your perspective has value, too.
Your DH needs to set
Your DH needs to set boundaries on his mother, for sure. He should let her know that disciplining his child (however ineffectively) is HIS job and if she interferes again, she will not be invited out to lunch anymore. And he shouldn't have let her take them after, knowing she would spoil them and make them think their father was a meanie to give her consequences.
Also, has DH explored why she doesn't take DS2? I will say - maybe she doesn't want to deal with diaper changes anymore, or something like that? 2-year-old poopy diapers are a nightmare (Not excusing her - just think the issue should be explored).
Diapers aren’t the problem
Diapers aren't the problem. She says "he's just too hard to handle. He's addicted to his mommy and won't let anyone else watch him." My parents have babysat him many times and said he was such a delightfully happy and playful little boy. MIL hasn't ever asked to spend time with him or babysit him. The one time she did, it was reluctantly and with a strict time limit while the girls got to spend the whole dang night!
Gotcha. That's too bad.
Gotcha. That's too bad.
MIL may recognize that you're
MIL may recognize that you're not a pushover like her son, and by extension avoid your bio.
The two of you will likely never be close, because she'll recognize that all healthy change stems from you. Your SO can call her out on ignoring your son, but overall I think I'd be glad she isn't interested in your child.
Sounds like MIL likes
Sounds like MIL likes dangling the "first family" in front of you all while simultaneously putting down her own son and stomping over his wishes and parenting style. My guess is she's been doing this to him his whole life, and he only pushes back so far, but MIL knows how to push back harder and your DH backs down. Don't fall for it. You and DH stand your ground against her, and take away her privledges.