SS9 passive aggressive towards our bio son 6
Hi everyone 
So its a rare weekend... my step sons are here who we haven't seen since the summer. We are happy to see them but as usual, there are issues.
First of all, they need hair cut so bad they look like a combination of mushrooms and elves, if you can imagine. Puffy overgrown hair and sideburns made out of their hair way past their ears. They smelled so bad when they got in the car I've washed their coats. DH is convinced they are the scrubby kids at school despite exorbitant amount of child support paid, obviously not going towards their needs, but that's nothing new.
So SS9 is very passive aggressive to my and DH's 6 year old son. He will do anything to get him in trouble. DH rarely yells at our son, who is well behaved but when SS9 is here he yells at him all the time as a result of SS9 "He just did this/won't do this/won't let me___".
I was in the bedroom working on school work and could hear everything they were saying. Its obvious that SS9 is being bratty, wants to get his way, and wants our son to be in trouble.
I am saddened by this as I assume SS9 is doing this for attention. He is used to be the baby (talks like a baby, can't tie shoes, behind in school, etc.)and I hear constantly "I'm telling on you" and its for nothing. Well, its for something that happened as a result of him not getting his way. Our son is very independent. If he is hungry he slices a banana into a bowl and mixes in yogurt. SS9 whines and can't make anything, not even a pb&j, and while I make it he asks "Is it ready yet" at least 5 times. Yes, even for a pb&j.
DH saw it but I had to point it out. SS9 just wants DH to yell at our son. What does that accomplish for him? I am trying to see this from SS9 point of view but I am having trouble with this one. What can I do for this boy?
Its too bad that by the time you all respond we will probably have taken them home by then. 
Thanks in advance
He's calling him out & we're
He's calling him out & we're trying to get him to correct the behavior. Its more about WHY he's doing it... we can get him to realize what he's doing but every time they are here we seem to spend the whole time talking to this boy about his behavior. Its like he has the mentality of a 5 year old. He has to be walked through everything step by step and is on meds for adhd, which haven't shown a change in behavior at all (he has been on them about a year). We don't want him to have a bad time here but when all he does is behave bratty, mean, and talk about poop and farts all day we cannot accept that.
It's hard to tell if this is
It's hard to tell if this is an IQ thing or neglect. Does the bm not teach him anything? Is he in special ed? Why are you making him a pb&j instead of teaching him how? (Which actually, it's not about needing to be taught how, it's about practicing spreading the stuff on bread...) Regarding the 6 year old, my guess is it's jealousy because your son gets to see Daddy all the time. So he is punishing him. And some kids are just obnoxious because they haven't been taught otherwise. There's nothing wrong with telling him he can't play with him if he doesn't stop. And why isn't a parent in the same room when they are playing? Even if you are reading a book, kids' behaviors change when they know there are witnesses LOL. Daddy should be playing WITH them.
Personally I think it is IQ
Personally I think it is IQ and neglect. They ARE fed and clothed, but they are dirty and prefer unhealthy food. We have nothing on that influence. BM teaches nothing and SS9 is on ADHD meds, with no change in behavior. When they are here and request a pb&j (as a snack here, rather than a meal like at home) I do teach. My own 6 year old makes sandwiches & other easily prepared foods because I believe in teaching independence. I am happy to give lessons on anything to my skids! However, they aren't that interested. SS12 told me I was boring and too scienc-y when he heard me talking to my son about the vitamins and fiber in his food. There's no harm in telling kids these things, I mean there won't be an exam! I agree with you and the "punishing" because our son sees daddy all the time. However, its BMs fault. When we took them home (BM met us half way, which is unbelievable) BM was telling me about SS9's wrestling matches that are in a town much closer to us, so.... she can take SS9 to wrestling but can't drive them to see their FATHER!?!? Its a 2 hour round trip to their house and we always make the drive. BM sees us as an accessory thing that she has to deal with a couple times a year. And yes, they haven't been taught otherwise. They have no manners. When we get to a door they stop right in front of it. My son opens it & will even say "ladies first". These boys haven't been taught any manners or proper social behaviors. I do hang out with them occasionally but I don't want to be right on top of them when they play. I am about 10 feet away in the next room though & intervene when necessary. It just doesn't help. Dad does play with them, but mostly with SS12 because they have more in common. SS9 doesn't ever seem to care what is going on, but we do try. He is in his own world.
Didn't mean to write so much but this is a frustrating situation all around. We are doing what we can, which always seems to be just a drop in the bucket.