SS11 on an out of control, downward spiral... DH and I are hurt & confused
This is my first post. I just joined yesterday after stumbling upon this site in a search. What a relief to have a community like this!!!
Ok, so here's a bit of backstory: DH moved in with teenage girl, girl got dependent, got pregnant after saying & having mom back up a medical condition that prevents pregnancy, DH wants to leave, ex gets "sick" for sympathy, then pregnant again. DH can't stand it so leaves when second child is still a baby.
When I met DH, the boys were 1 and 3. Now they are 9 and 11, and I have grown to love them. However, my SS11 has been lashing out and we don't know what to do. The smallest things set him off, and when he gets mad, he gets MAD. He tells DH "I hate you" and "I don't want to see you ever again". DH went to pick them up and SS11 threw a fit. DH said "your brother misses you" meaning our son, and he said "he is not my brother", hid under his bed, and it took DH 45 minutes to get him out of there.
I'm sure parenting is the issue here. BM is 31, lives with mom & dad as well as her sister, who recently moved back home with her 2 kids (freakishly same situation as BM). She will not get a job, nor has she ever had one. She prefers to live off of welfare and child support and justifies it by saying "she doesn't ask for much so its ok" and "I didn't have anything growing up so they will be fine this way". Both boys are in therapy now. SS9 has "ADHD" (AKA lazy parenting in this case)and is babied beyond belief. He can't tie his shoes and our 5 year old reads better than him.
There is so much more to this but I will not make anyone sit here and read through all of it. 
Any input would be helpful on how to deal with this behavior. We are heartbroken over the status of these boys lives but we are against a wall.
Thank you
One word. PUBERTY. My son
One word. PUBERTY. My son just turned 11. He was the sweetest, most easy going kid. But he just gets ANGRY. He even laughs and says he has no idea why he is, but he just IS. I explained to him how testosterone levels increase in boys during puberty and how his body and mind need to learn how to deal with it. It is a brand new learning experience. In many boys it is hard to notice, because typical boys are all over the place, aggressive, competitive, etc. But my son is really more sensitive and loving and not "all boy." So it has been a huge difference, and probably more noticeable. Talk about this with your SS and see if this helps him. It definitely helped my son because he understood it better. If he needs an outlet, a punching bag works. My son does a lot of sports, including Taekwondo, and I know it helps him. Good luck!
I agree with my.kids.mom. My
I agree with my.kids.mom. My initial thought, is the BM telling your SS that his half brother is not his real brother? He could be dealing with confusion deeper than you understand & testosterone does not help the matters any.
I agree, puberty!! It's a
I agree, puberty!! It's a hard road, if I can encourage you not to take the bullshit personally I'd like to do so. Kids say the darndest things because they really do not have the thought processes developed sufficiently and hormones are raging in them. Ours were hell on wheels but we all survived and the two youngest made 18, it's not over by any means yet though.
It takes some kids a long time to get over the parents splitting up, I'd not emphasize the 'relationship' thing for a while and just refer to their brother by name. Bonds are already there but during puberty all manner of resentments can occurr and there's usually a scapegoat. I discovered that because I have so much unconditional love for SD that she felt secure in my love for her, enough to vent at me. I'd tell her when she was 'pushing her luck' and it was horrendous for a long time because the BM was doing the parental alienation thing too...confusing the hell out of the kids! I believe that BM's really do have a lot to answer for in the majority of cases. NEVER say negative stuff about BM or any other family member to a child, I learned that the hard way! I developed a tolerance way more than is usually required as a parent, I took the advice of a counsellor and stopped letting SD push my buttons too, that made a HUGE difference. That girl is so manipulative that she found buttons with me that I did not know I had, seriously! I then discovered that it really is not that important to me to be 'loved' by a step child so I quit doing 'nice' things with and for them and referred them to 'daddy dearest' so he really got a taste of how demanding they were and then he started issueing tough love and finally it turned around.
I took a few steps back from
I took a few steps back from my ss15 when he was 13ish b/c of testoserone anger. Now at 15 he comes to me at times about girl issues. They do come 'round at about 15 (some of them) but it's best to step back more then step in with ssons. At least in my case the boys did best with their dad's rules and discipline. My bs do best with my rules and not their bd's. Each kid is different but try disengaging more.
I agree with you ALL about
I agree with you ALL about puberty! We have actually spoke with him about this (actually DH has, as I might help make him embarassed). I have a bachelor's in psychology which has definitely helped me be a better parent and the additional understanding of child & adolescent development has heen sooo helpful. I've been trying to help him begin to identify his feelings, which is a start. I've done this with my son from the beginning and it helps to know what "sad" or "angry" is. However, we see SS11 about 2% of his life so things don't really stick. And he is in sports, which is the only thing we can praise BM for.
And Starla, we have no idea what we are up against as far as what BM says. DH broke up with her about 9 years ago and its like she is still bitter about it. She is taking an "oh well" attitude about all of this and never follows through with anything. We do believe she tells him things. Sometimes he will come up with things that he just couldn't on his own. Right after I met them, he gave us a speech (at 4 years old) about how mom and dad are supposed to be together. They've said my son is not their brother from the get go. Its like they don't believe it.
Giveitago, my son is almost 6, so he has been in their lives for a while now. We never forced the word "brother" on them, only explained the relationship. SS11 has called me numerous times to vent, which I am glad that he feels he can do so (but not glad that he's so upset). I agree that BM has a lot to answer for. She is spiteful and will act like your BFF but once in a while her true self comes out. We can't believe a single thing she says, and when this is combined with a manipulative, emotions-everywhere SS we can't believe anything from anyone in that family. We can't figure out what's up with BM either. DH and I have been happliy married 7 years, together 8, so there's no chance of her getting him back. He left her for so many reasons. I can't believe she would be waiting around for him all this time though. She only recently had her first boyfriend since they split, which lasted only a couple of months. Both SS hated him. My SIL thinks BM has control issues and she is still trying to control my DH. This is the only logical explanation so far.
THANK YOU all so much for your replies. Its unfortunate that we all live these situations but I'm glad to have people to vent to!!!