They're here ....! And disengagement is ON!

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SD and hubby (SIL) are here for a very brief visit. So far so good as I've done the bare minimum I need to. When they got into town, my SO met them at the vacation place alone as I did not go. He had some one-on-one time with them right up front. I think that was a good thing as it kept me from being the conversation starter. First good lesson learned on disengagement tactics.

We had dinner with them last night at a restaurant, which is always good to do as I think it keeps things "lighter" since you are out in public and have to deal with waitstaff, etc. We got back to our house and I didn't take any hostess initiative in an effort to keep them around longer to try and keep the conversation/visit alive. I used to do this as I felt my SO wanted as much time with SD as he could get. My sympathy towards him in this regard used to drive my behavior. I'm not doing that anymore. His kid, his responsibility to maintain the relationship.

Second lesson learned - going out to eat is always best if you can manage it and don't bother to extend any additional entertaining after the fact. Dine, and depart.

My SO had made tentative plans for an outing with them today. I told my SO (truthfully) that I had a meeting to go to in the middle of the day so I could not go. I strategically planned this meeting at this time since I knew it was a way for me to disengage from their frolicking family fun. I also suggested he take them out for a nice lunch, which means NO DINNER with them needed tonight! Yay! I got out of an unpleasant day with people I don't care for and managed to do it in a way that didn't upset my SO.

Speaking of family, I had to bite my tongue when SIL said no less than THREE times how important "family" is to him. This coming from the guy who hasn't contacted my SO (his father-in-law) not once in the past year. And SD sat there nodding her head; she too has not taken the initiative and picked up the phone in a year to talk to her own father.

SIL went on and on about how the two of them spent a week at his family's annual reunion this summer and another vacation they went on with his sister. Because "family is so important." Yeah, right. Interesting they had vacation time for those events but somehow haven't had any vacation time to spend here with her own father. He gets the dregs.

So much for the importance of family. Blah blah blah.

Good for you 2Tired4Drama!

It's a great start and it will only get easier as time goes on. You'll learn more strategies on how to remove yourself from certain functions and I know you don't want to upset your SO but even if it does he should care how you feel 1st. I think this is great and wishing you all the best on your disengagement journey.

Thanks Siempre...

It's kind of like riding a bike - your balance gets better the more you do it! I admit I am a bit proud of myself thus far - gotta keep pedaling to keep this disengagement rolling!

That sounds like a win all

That sounds like a win all around - good for you!

Do you think your SO picked up on the "importance of family" comments?

I gotta tell ya ...

I was so tempted to ask my SO what he thought about the "family first" comments. But - that is not in line with true disengagement. In order to work, you have to disengage from uneccessary conversations about skids. I felt these fell in that category.

Let SD and SIL squeek and chatter all they want about how important family is. Not my circus, not my monkeys!

I'm sure that my SO was probably thinking the same thing I was but he didn't bring it up.

It sounds like things are

It sounds like things are going better than expected! And it gets easier the more you have to do this, although I know you aren't signing up for it.

I have found my main goal is not being alone with one of my SDs because she loves to pot stir. I know she wants to visit her father, but if she can drive a wedge between DH and I at the same time it's a bonus for her. She has been doing this for years but unfortunately her attempts are very evident and almost laughable at this point. I can almost see the frustration when DH leaves the room and I see SD's wheels spinning, and I stand up and say I should take the dog for a walk. Ooops ! Another missed opportunity!

She also gives her family a report on what goes on here when she is here. That has gotten back to us before. She must be disappointed because lately there is nothing interesting to report. She would only see that DH and I have a fun life and get along very well. Her family loves to say they know DH is unhappy and I keep DH from his one true family. No, they put pressure on him and made him feel uncomfortable when visits.

Overall I try to stay away from them as much as possible, and I want DH to have alone time with her, not just for them, but for me also. I am civil and polite, and DH understands that she is here to visit him, not me. I have family who visits sometimes and I don't expect DH to do everything with us either.

Gee, Lambie, you have a SD who is a pot-stirrer and gossiper?!

How unusual! (Said with absolute sarcasm.)

Like you, I am all for my SO spending time with her (and her lap-dog husband) ALONE without me. It's a win-win. They don't have to see me, I don't have to see them.

In fairness, my SD is usually outwardly civil and polite so she gets the same from me. I just don't like her as a person and I'm sure she probably feels the same about me. I have nothing in common with her whatsoever.

I wish my SO would be like your husband and FINALLY acknowledge SD has never had, and never will have, any interest in me whatsoever. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Perhaps then he could relax and stop trying to fit together puzzle pieces that don't even come from the same box. It's an exercise in futility.

I make myself scarce too when

I make myself scarce too when SD visits. I get along fine with her but it's because I DO make myself scarce. I'm friendly and engaged when I do participate, but I just can't stand very much of it. She's there to see DH, and DH wallows in her attention. I guess that's my biggest objection -- DH's behavior, not SD's.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder - ha ha!

Yes, the less you see of skids the better you might like them. I'm like you and my "engage-o-meter" gets pegged pretty darn quick now after more than a decade of this nonsense.

I also experience that wallowing. Despite SD's complete lack of interest in SO and ignoring him, he is like lap-dog Number 2 whenever she does come around. Her husband has the lead lap-dog spot now.

Hmmm ... just got me wondering. Has anyone ever seen jealousness between a SD's hubby and the dear devoted Dad when vying for the princess' attention? I imagine there could be some true pissing contests happening!

Take care of you.