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Feeling hopeless

kimmyd584's picture

My SD told me last week that we just dont have anything in common and won't ever get along or have a good relationship. It has been bothering me ever since. Yes, we don't have a good relationship and IDK how that can change if she is feeling like it will never happen. I am pregnant right now with my first baby and we keep telling her that there are only a few months left of it just being us 3 so you would think she would want to be making things as best as they can be . SHe says she thinks things are fine this way but i strongly disagree and so does my husband. I'm just at a loss for how else to try with her when she clearly doesn't want to try with me. And my husbands family , I'm finding out , thinks i am harsh with her .WHich is really bugging me too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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kimmyd584's picture

I should add that my SD is 11. And her mother is deceased, but her and my husband were never married and weren't together when she passed.

DaizyDuke's picture

I can understand your hurt, but you can't force someone to like you and vice versa. When you say you don't "get along" do you mean like in a mother/daughter kind of way or is she rude, disrespectful etc?

kimmyd584's picture

WEll she is the one who said we don't get along, I mean, she is right for the time being. She is rude and disrespectful. Nevr listens to me etc. My biggest thing is, What do i do with her all summer since I will be home alone with her all summer if this is how things are going to be? She tells her dad she does like me so thats another part of the confusion bc if you like someone why would you say you will never get along?

asheeha's picture

too many questions to answer well.

1. how long have you been in her life?

2. what sorts of things are you trying to do to connect with her?

3. how would you define your relationship babysitter (provides structure and authority comes from dh...but no real parenting on your own), aunt (a loving relationship of friendship and some authority), or mom (you do EVERYTHING for this kid, watch her all the time without dh, parent and discipline)?

daisy0202's picture

I know mine #3.....sucks, and my SD is 16 and a pain in my ass....Good luck sweety..... Girls are soooo hard..Thank god i have boys!!!

kimmyd584's picture

I have been around for 2 1/2 years

Honestly i dont really try activities anymore bc of the way things have become with her.

i'd say relationship is more like mom. But only because she originally requested it to be that way and wanted me to discipline her or so she said . But i think once it started to happen she didn't like it .

asheeha's picture

I'd back way off. She might pull away, part of it is her age and part of it is her situation, deceased mom. She may very well like you but not feel connected to her.

Do you have to watch her all day this summer? This is going to be HARD on you both. Can she not go to a day camp or YMCA or family?

I generally have disengaged and when I am watching them I take on a babysitter approach to things.

The book the "smart step family" was a great resource for dh and I.
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Stepfamily-The-Healthy-Family/dp/076420159X

Congrats on your upcoming baby and I wish you the best.

kimmyd584's picture

Thats what I told my husband was that i was going ot be leaving her a lot bc i dont want to have a crummy summer bc of a constant attitude and askward environment non stop. He said i should play it day by day with her and see how she is each day.My thing is, we can't go a whole day interacting and nothing go wrong. it just doesn't work that way. she gets easily offended, cries or smarts off. I am searching for day camps etc for her trust me! I have disengaged. I speak to her when she speaks to me.
I just wish it was different and owrry what it will be like once the baby comes.

asheeha's picture

and also...if she disrespects you or treats you poorly then dh should effectively discipline and correct her. you should NOT care for a child who causes drama in your life.

kimmyd584's picture

Thank you for the congrats. But unfortunately she was like this before we got pregnant. So while that would make a lot of sense, thats not it. We have had issues since i moved in here and we were married.
And so far anytime i tell my husband about her if she has been rude he gets on her but i never feel like the punishments are severe enough bc she just continues to do it.
And she def. causes drama in my life.which is why i really dont want ot have to deal with her all summer. This is supposed to be an exciting time for me as a soon to be mom and i feel like im not really ale to full enjoy it bc of all of this crap.

kimmyd584's picture

I have actually wondered lately if she bad mouths me to them or makes it seem like i am horrible to her.

oneoffour's picture

Honey, stop and listen.....

She is a teen. They are aliens. She is a motherless teen which makes her an alien from another galaxy. Add into that the changes in her life over the past few years and the dreaded puberty....

I would sit down with her and say something like this..."I am sorry your mother died. I really am. I am not your mother and I don't want to be your mother. BUT... I am the one person who can speak up for you. Your father has no idea what it is like being a girl. I do. When you just have a piss-poor day and feel like dying, I have been there and I can tell him to give you space. When you goof up and wear the wrong clothes to shool, I have been there. SO the one person in this house who cares about you as another woman is me. So either we respect each other and promise never to love each other and form a girl-alliance for the future for when you want to drive and your dad has a fit or you can bounce through your life and get hurt and deal with it all alone. Your choice. The thing is I am always going to be here. So, today you go about what you want to do and I will do what I want to do. Discusssion over..."

She is not going to be your best friend. God knows I want a better relationship with my s/sons but it isn't happening. SO I deal with it and make some room in my life for them but outa sight and outa mind.

And seriously, day camps are a great way for her to get out and have ome structured fun while supervised and not hanging at the mall. You will NOT feel like hanging out with her. Hanging out with a pregnant person (with the daily reminder that her father has sex..eww!)is NOT her idea of a fun summer.

christag's picture

You need to accept that you will likely never have any sort of positive relationship with your SD and being able to tolerate living with her should be your goal. SMs think it's going to be so easy when BM is deceased but thats only when the kids are little.

When BM dies, she becomes a saint that is worshipped and you become the the focus of all their hate and resentment. You are there, their mother is not. They don't ever get over that. To the day my SD dies she's going to be obsessing over her dead mother. She doesn't speak to me and doesn't want to even acknowledge that I exist and that her father is happier than he ever was with me than when he was married to her late mom.

Stop trying because you're setting yourself up for failure. If your SD wants to accept you, she will but odds are, she won't.