The "I forgot" excuse
Hello all
I recently married a man in June that has adaughter that will be 11 this Sunday.
We have had some struggles along the period of us dating, getting engaged, and now us being married and a complete family unit.
Her mother is no longer in the picture as she passed away a few years back. My Husband and her were never married and were not together at the time she passed away so my SD has never known them to be a couple really.
My SD seems to be struggling with not listening to us and not respecting us. We have basic house rules that have been explained to her very clearly and they have been in place for over a year now and she chooses not to follow them. When we confront her about why she has not followed them its always " I forgot" then she gets upset, promises to do better , does better for maybe a day or so then its back to just not listening to us. She has told me that she forgets everything my husband and myself tell her. TO me thats her excuse of just never listening to us.
I have asked her why she chooses to do things this way because it seems to be making things harder for herself. She has told me that things we tell her to do etc dont make sense to her so she just does things the way she thinks they should be instead. To me, that is her saying that she doesnt care what we tell her, she will do what she thinks is best regardless.
We are at our wits end of how to make her realize that she is the child and we are the parents and she has to listen to us. We have tried taking things away, grounding her, etc. But nothing seems to phase her.
She goes to a counselor on a regular basis and it doesnt seem to be helping. Her counselor thinks she has control issues and may not know how to play the role of a daughter to a complete family under one roof. Which could be true but what are we supposed to do?
I have suggested some more radical ideas of punishments for her but my husband wont do them, and says he thinks its to much.
I just dont know what to do since all of the things we have tried doing are not working and there are no improvements. And my husband isnt open to any of my suggestions to help.
Anyone else have issues like these??
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"Her mother is no longer in
"Her mother is no longer in the picture as she passed away a few years back" Sigh...sometimes I dream of this, but then I realize if she passed I would be stuck with SD, then instead I want to pluck my eyes out with a fork, slowly.
I have no advice, this will be very tough, I'm with the 'tougher approach' to get her to 'comply' and 'come under' your authority.
I have had people tell me I
I have had people tell me I have it easier without the Mamma drama. I just don't know what to do if my husband wont agree to the tough love approach. He tells me I just let it all affect me too much. Which hurts my feelings because obviously I am new to this. I dont have children of my own.
Teenage girls are NOT
Teenage girls are NOT easy...momma drama or not! They turn into a totally different species...LOL. It lasts about four years so if you can weather it go for it. It's a hell of a ride, been on it and got off just a little queasy but still OK.
When it comes to something
When it comes to something she WANTS you calmly say 'did you do as I asked you to do?' Her needs are met, as extras she'll want rides here and there, friends to stay over and all the usual teenage stuff. I found with SD that when I asked her if x,y or z had been done she'd say 'oops I forgot...I'll go and do it right now!' If that does not work and she's arranged to meet a friend, you know of this, and she's all ready to go you calmly tell her 'I forgot!'
Of course this will lead to a meltdown, ignore it just as calmly! DH might think that you are being harsh but assure him that it's quid quo pro and he'll thank you in the long run...as bizzare as it sounds right now so will SD! Mine did!
One of our rules was that a parent had to be wherever she was, a parent picked her up and we brought her home, she had to call from the LAND line of where she was at and occasionally we'd ask to speak to the mom there, just enough to keep her on her best behavior and we'd really only confirm with the mome the collection time...LOL
Kids do forget about stuff, though, their heads are not filled with responsibilies like ours are. I am in favor of letting them have a childhood (DH is huge proponent of that but in the extreme...fights ensue) however, they still need to learn about life and what's expected of them as young adults.
I actually suggested
I actually suggested "forgetting" things she asked me to do and my husband was against it. I think it would teach her a lesson. Its the same thing. You have to give to recieve kind of deal ya know? She has the mentality that she deserves everything and should be handed anything she asks for without working for it. I was not raised this way so I don't want my children to think this way either.
I understand she is human and will forget things but i dont believe she really forgets everything we tell her to dspecially simple things like her bedtime, or putting pajamas on, or bathing etc. Which are the things we are dealing with.
Then her 'doing' what's asked
Then her 'doing' what's asked as a pre requisite for you doing something for her. DH might have a point there actually, it's more tit for tat than quid quo pro.
With regard to her doing things her way, that's a control thing and it might not be within her power to undo the arrogance that seems to manifest itself in teenagers.
I'd ask her how she would like to do something, if she wants to do it differently but still effectively then that's fine, right? Make it less of a fight, tell her she can wear odd PJ's if she likes but she needs to put them on! There's a defiant streak in ALL of us at some point, right? Just pick you battles wisely with her. I found that button pushing was a big thing with our girl, she'd do it for the fun of it! I learned to switch off the buttons and not respond the way she expected me to and that spoiled her game. When she put forth excuses I'd say 'regardless, this still needs to be done' and if she took a breath to argue I told her 'it's not up for discussion.' When people say something mean I just say 'sorry, I missed that, say again?' and that obliges them to rethink what they said. If they still insist on the same nasty comment just calmly say 'I thought that's what you said.'
I tell you, it turned ours around toot sweet.
Its not so much that she does
Its not so much that she does things "wrong" per say, its just that she just doesnt do them at all. Example. Her bedtime is 9. We feel she is old enough to manage her time and to lok at the clock and know its time to start getting ready for bed. Sunday night we sat back and didnt say a word. it came to 8:58 and she was still in street clothes playing in her room and no intentions of getting herself ready for bed. When we confronted her she said " She forgot" . THen our frustration sits in because how can she forget something she does every night? we have tried to make her nightly tasks routine so its easier to remember but it doesnt work. We have tried puttin it in writing and that doesnt work. I think a lot of it with her is control and to push buttons like you said to see how much she can get away with.
I think everyone likes to
I think everyone likes to push boundaries, that's not always a bad thing though! Pushing for better grades, or a better job prospect or even a better lifestyle is positive.
As bad as this might sound, it's a good thing that they do it negatively with parents, rather than with society at large and the potential consequences they will suffer.
Yea but what do you do if the
Yea but what do you do if the consequences you give them for pushing the limits at home dont work? And they continue with the negative behavior??
This is a GREAT idea!!! I am
This is a GREAT idea!!! I am going to suggest it to my husband . the tricky thing is if he will agree to it. If i tell my SD "i forgot" is an excuse she turns on the water works. Which is beyond old. She says she really does forget. I have told her maybe we will take her to see a DR then and he can give her medicine to help her remember. She doesnt want to to that either.
how do i do that though when
how do i do that though when the things she doesnt do are so basic like getting to bed on time, showering/washing her hair, etc and not so much of things like giving her a ride here or take her places. She isnt a social kid so she never really gets invited anywhere with kids from school.
I wish I had the magic
I wish I had the magic answer. We are dealing with the exact same thing here with SD11. I agree that it's a control issue and just plain not doing what she doesn't want to do to see what she can get away with. Eleven seems early to me to be in "teen mode." I'm really concerned that if we don't get a handle on this now it will only escalate as she gets in full fledged teen drama. Her excuses range from, "I forgot" or "I don't know" to "It's too hard." Showering is too hard?! Really?
FDH is not very good at enforcing and keeping track of consequences. I agree with revoking privileges but I'm not hopeful that he'll enforce it. I don't discipline...been there, done that and it didn't have a happy ending.
FDH spanked her this weekend for not showering & lying about it. That was two days ago and she didn't shower again this am...so the cycle is repeating, already.
My SD said the same thing
My SD said the same thing abotu showering!! That its too hard!! haha! I can't believe someone else feels my pain! I feel less crazy now haha! I want to pull myself from the discpline part but its hard because I am around her so much more than he is. SO i have to deal with her on my own a lot. DO you guys have any children together? if so how does she deal with that?
We don't have any children
We don't have any children together. And I don't have pre-existing children. I've suggested to FDH that we go back to her showering before bed or he can get her up early in the am and make sure she showers before he leaves for work. He gets frustrated that I make him deal with it versus me disciplining her but she's his kid. His very mature response was, "I'll just quit my job so I can be home to make sure it gets done." Yeah. Right. Not happening.
I tried to discipline my SD when married to my ex and it was a nightmare. And, I had a SM who disciplined me as a child and that was also a nightmare. And, trust me, if she doesn't listen to him she won't listen to me and then we'll have a new set of problems (not agreeing on punishment, she'll hate me, blah, blah, blah...). I bought her a new hair dryer, fancy shower gel, make sure she's up with plenty of time, etc. to no avail. It doesn't help that her BM lets her do / not do whatever she wants so we are working against that negative influence.
I have very little patience for this nonsense.
So are you guys still
So are you guys still together thebn? have you talked about future children together? See i stay home and get her to school etc so i deal with her way more but he doesnt like my ideas of discipline. He has done some of the things i suggested but they havent worked much so i keep suggesting new things and he wont do them. We have had battle after battle about showering and her hair will be so gross and very greasy and she will cry saying she washed it. we check her every night now before bed and make her blow dry her hair. that seems to be working . My next suggestion was if she gets greasy again, shes getting her bathing suit on and being bathed like a baby from now on. And he was against it of course. I jsut dont know what to do anymore. I feel like he married me wanting help raising his child but isnt really open to letting me help raise his child. I threaten to step back and not help and he gets mad. Saying its not fair for me to give him an ultamatum . I just worry what this is going to do to our marrriage over time and especially when she hits those teen years.
Yes, I'm still with my FDH
Yes, I'm still with my FDH who has 3 kids: SD11, SS13 & SS17 and we live together. I was married to my ex for 15 years and he has a daugther and son (now SD27 & SS25). This is my second rodeo in the SM role and also having been a stepchild myself (I've "stepped" in, on and over it!)
My FDH & I are not going to have children together.
I am home when SD11 gets ready for school because I work from home (when I'm not traveling for work). FDH and I have different ideas of discipline and it's just not worth it to "go there." I have been resolute from the beginning that I will not discipline his kids because of the challenges it causes (as you are experiencing). I won't let the kids disrespect me nor will I let them disregard a rule in my presence but I won't levy discipline. I agree to support him in raising his children but not to be the one to raise them...very different in my mind. He was a single father before I came along and is perfectly capable of raising his kids alone. He'd prefer that I take some of that burden off of him so that he doesn't have to deal with every little thing but I won't go there. I feel like I take some of the burden off of his shoulders by providing financial support, and helping with other responsibilities rides, house chores, clothes shopping, etc.
You are in a no win situation...having the responsibility without the authority to do it your way. So, he's against letting you decide the discipline (after trying his way) and he gets mad if you threaten to 'step back.' What does he suggest, then? Keep doing what doesn't work and hope for a different outcome? That's insanity.
Stepping back will help your marriage. Constant conflict in a situation that is caused by the SD will only hurt your marriage and he's giving her that power. You will eventually resent her and disrespect him. IMHO (and experience) he either needs to support you 100% if he expects you to help raise her or you need to step aside and let him do it himself whereby he's free to do it his way.
All this over taking a frickin' showering?!
ITs more than taking a shower
ITs more than taking a shower unfortunately. ITs showering, not being ready on time, not putting laundry away correctly and hiding it so we dont know, eating candy bars for breakfast and lying about it when the wrappers are in the garbage. You name it she tries it. She also plays the dumb card a lot too. Like she pulled a baking dish out one day asking if thats what she shoudl eat cereal out of. Really? do you normal eat out of that?? ITs things like this that drive me batty and I have no idea how to deal with it. ONe time she asked me if a certain cup would hold milk. This was about a week or so ago.
I don't know if this would
I don't know if this would help or not, but I knew a family who had a "family meeting" to discuss the rules, including having the kids write down what the "family rules" were and they posted it on the fridge.
That would eliminate a LOT of the IDK excuses.