Should I Contact BM’s Husband?
So BM is slinging a lot of mud and false allegations to obtain emergency full custody of SO's 2 boys. Part of her allegations are that her home is more stable due to SO's work schedule. She is currently living with a man she claims is her husband but according to SO, they are not legally married. She has never been able to live on her own, even with child support.
SO thinks if her husband knew about all the inappropriate things she has done ever the years, he may throw her out, leading to her home no longer being stable. Now, i have fantasized about texting or emailing him about these things, even typed them out, but never sent them. It was more as a therapeutic exercise on my part. I could give him an earful about all the time she spent at SO's house in the early days of our relationship. The cooking and cleaning, the constant phone calls and texts, her drunk dialing SO about how sad she was that he didn't communicate as much anymore.
But - i'm generally nonconfrontational. I don't like to be involved in a back-and-forth drama-fest. Also, BM has been calling SO's parents and also his brothers, sisters, and their spouses regularly to try to get them on her side. She would definitely tell them about this, and it would cause his family to dislike me even more than they do.
On the other hand, they have always preferred her due to her being from their country, so i don't have all that much to lose as far as they go. She would also likely show the kids, and that would damage my relationship with them. Plus, it might not work. Maybe she and her "husband" have an open relationship and he won't care.
I really don't want to send it. SO made excuses for her for so long, saying all of it was "for the kids", and he only cares about it now to hurt her and to not lose custody. He says this is war and we have to try everything. I personally don't give a crap about what BM thinks of me, nor do i care if her "husband" throws her out. But i honestly wish they could just do 50/50, be civil to each other without being enmeshed, and that i would not have to deal with her at all. I don't want her as a friend or as an enemy. But, i also think what she is doing is wrong, she is trying to take custody based on lies for the purpose of getting CS, and everything he wants me to tell this man is true. For now i'm working and just trying to stay out of it, but i know as soon as i get home, he will ask me to do it. I'm hoping he changes his mind, and i know i can just simply say "no."
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No. Why can't he tell the man
No. Why can't he tell the man?
Why do you have to tell him?
Why do you have to tell him? If SO wants him to know, he can tell him himself.
No. Bad idea. This will not
No. Bad idea. This will not be helpful one bit... maybe if he said something to the guy when it was going on....but now when bm is taking action...
I agree. I told him it would
I agree. I told him it would probably do more harm than good. I told him to run it by his lawyer and ask him if he thinks it will help. Surely the lawyer will say no.
I don't see any good coming
I don't see any good coming out of telling this man things that he may already know or will choose not to believe. In fact, I could see this backfiring and leading to BM using it as evidence that DH's household is not stable.
NO, unless you want BM
NO, unless you want BM stalking you and slashing your tires. Don't fight your SO's battles for him. If he wants that info to go to BM's husband, he can send it himself.
Really? Fricking NO
Why does your DH expect YOU to do it and not him. This comes across as cowardly. Your DH is setting you up to take the fall. You are doing his dirty work. You will be the one that DH's family will blame, not him. So whether it is right or wrong to rat out BM is not the issue. The issue is your DH is treating you like the canary in a coal mine. Why would DH want the woman he loves to be the bad guy is my burning question.
F THAT!
No good can come from playing
No good can come from playing her games. Keep your noses clean and head held high.
Your lawyer is working on it, things WILL come out in court. However, spreading gossip to her "husband" will only make you look bad and desperate.
If your SO wants to do it
If your SO wants to do it that's on him. Don't get involved in any of that!
The last stint BM pulled... the one where she came into our house and her husband ended up calling SO..... BMs husband agreed with SO in the end. Which was hilarious to me.
SO and I both know how unaware her husband is when it comes to crying attention craving waves she goes through with SO. That's not our problem he is the one married to her. I just except SO to keep his boundaries with her but, what goes on in their house and what she tells him.. who knows and who cares. I'm sure it's anything close to the truth. Unless, like tog said she was stalking you, slashing tires etc.. don't get involved.
I wouldn't ever but, I had this thought once and that was when BM emailed one of SDs teacher back (the email went to BM and myself) and to spite me she replied to both teacher and me and signed it...with her first name and SOs last name. I wanted to tell her husband oh by the way your wife is using her ex husbands last name LOLL. It was just a giggle I had with SO.
Also, I'm not supppse to get emails for skids about school related things. She flipped out in the beginning of our falling out and called the schools and got me deleted. Emailed teachers stating my email "this is my ex husbands gfs emails and she is to have no communtication!!" She didn't call the elementary school so my email rolled over to the middle school for SD. I still get some emails here and there but not all in reguards to SD.
So, i'm definitely not doing
So, i'm definitely not doing it. SO met with his lawyer today and before he left i asked him to get the lawyer's opinion. I wanted to know if a) he thought it would help the case and b) if doing that could be considered harassment or grounds for some kind of restraining order. My employer and licensing board would frown upon that.
He said he didn't ask him and i told him i'm not doing it. BTW, the ex parte was signed today.
I am so sorry. What is your
I am so sorry. What is your attorney's plan???
The hearing is next week. I
The hearing is next week. I haven't seen the papers, but according to SO, the 16-year-old has to go to her house today. I asked about the younger one, and he was so upset he wasn't really clear. I get off work in about 4 hours so i'll read it then.
I hope this can be quickly
I hope this can be quickly resolved and BM is smacked down by the judge. My heart breaks for all of you right now.
Spend the next week gathering
Spend the next week gathering evidence to refute BM's lies, and proof that SO has had majority time with the kids for years. $10 says the 16-year-old refuses to go to mom's. Let her call the police and do her thing with that.
Agreed.
Agreed.
I would tell her she needs to call the police because he won't leave the house (as long as that is the case).
Rumple, you need to be LESS
Rumple, you need to be LESS involved, not more. You aren't married to this man, for good reason. You aren't living with this man, for good reason. This flinging war the two of them want to engage in will likely only end in you and her "DH" getting hurt.
Back out quickly.
I would be pretty livid at my
I would be pretty livid at my husband and his bumbling attorney right about now. The dragging of feet.. allowing BM to get the first strike in... well, she now obviously has an advantage. Your DH is now on the defensive and honestly, his lack of interest in getting things straight is likely to fall blame on him more than BM.. because "what is a single mother to do???"
And he has the nerve to try to rope you into this rodeo with some behind the scenes pot stirring? Yeah.. DH.. no thankyou.
I'm a bit surprised that it hasn't come up before regarding custody with various parties.. healthcare providers.. insurers.. schools.
It sounds like BM was in no hurry to get it settled because it was continually being worked out in her favor. Only when your DH had the audacity to want to not pay her did she feel the need to get serious about the custody situation.
I'm so glad you're not doing it
This could be seen as grounds for harassment, unhingement, bitterness etc on both your parts
And, IMHO, even with proof of bm lies on his watch, he will have been worked up the back to such an extent, any form of attack will only go in her favour