Why do some SO's change their whole persona around the BM?
SO began working a temporary construction job (for 2 weeks). He began working last week, and had to work on the w/e, so he couldn't pick up SS9. He had to ask his father to pick up SS9. He called SM to let her know that his father would be the one picking up SS9 the following day (on Saturday morning).
What I don't get is, why couldn't SO just let SS9 stay with BM just for the Saturday he worked, then pick him up on Sunday? (The visitation agreement is one week, Sunday, the following week, Saturday and Sunday). Sometimes I think my SO is too caught up trying to make BM believe that he is a good father, and he goes to the extreme of getting SS9 on the w/e, even though he has to work. What ends up happening is that SS9 goes to MIL's, gets bored after being there for a couple of hours, then calls me to go pick him up. That was last weekend.
This w/e, SO's will be celebrating his bday on Saturday (I can't make it due to my class schedule the next day), by going out. He told me this past weekend that he was planning to call BM to let her know he has to work this weekend (which is a flat out lie) so he will not pick SS9 up on Saturday, but will see him Sunday. What aggravates me is that sometimes I think it would be nice if he didn't pick SS9 up on Saturday for US to go out (we go out maybe once a year on Saturdays and I'm hoping to bring that up to at least 6 times per year), but he's too busy trying to make himself look like the 'good daddy' that he won't do it. However, if it means he gets a night out alone with the guys, he will. I don't even know if this is making any sense, but the point is that I'm a little annoyed with SO. And I just wish BM knew the real deal, and how SO really is, instead of him changing his colors for her. I read in another post that the SO speaks in a soft voice to the BM, well my SO does the same thing. Then he gets off the phone with her, it's a completely different story. I wish I were on speaking terms with her, just to say that SO is not going to pick up SS9 this weekend because he wants to celebrate his bday. However, I know that is for SO to experience and right now, he's too afraid of coming off as real, and instead chooses to paint himself as this fake ass Disneyland Dad. Ask SS9 if there is anything Disneyland like about his weekends with Daddy, and I think he knows it's all me, even though sometimes he wants to believe otherwise.
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kinda sounds weird to me. im
kinda sounds weird to me. im a little lost, do you guys have ss every weekend or every other?
one reason that so might not want to tell bm to keep ss, is because if it continues, she can take him to court and show that she has the kid more and get more custody and money.
imho, its your SO responsibility to take care of ss on his weekends, PERIOD. as a bm, i would be pissed if the father of my kid couldnt figure out how to care for his kid on the few times that he has him, and i think that bm deserves some weekends off, and SO should figure things out on his time.
as far as telling bm about SO going out and lying.....here is the thing, thats YOUR issue with YOUR SO, so why involve bm? are you running to her to rat out your own BF? to me that sounds a little immature. if you are dating some one with a kid, you should have realized that you social calender might change..but it seems that whats really going on has nothing to do with bm or skid, SO just isnt making you a priority, and i dont think you should bother bm with your relationship issues.
as far as picking up ss from mil...i would tell SO you arent going to do it
This is how the visitation
This is how the visitation agreement goes: we have ss on one Sunday, then the next weekend, we have him Saturday and Sunday. The issue at hand is really that while I love my SO dearly, I don't like the fact that he really does not have any interaction with his son once he picks him up. In fact, ss spends most of the time with ME (see recent posts). It's true, it IS my SO's responsibility to pick up ss on the w/e, but what I guess what I'm frustrated about is the fact that SO will pick him up, and then I am expected to basically entertain his son the whole weekend (I've rarely had a weekend to myself since we decided to become a part of ss's life).
Also, BM and I had a falling out Christmas of 2008, so she really has no idea that SO is minimally interacting with ss, and I am the primary person taking responsibility for her child (not unless ss tells her). Regardless of the fact that BM and I are not on speaking terms, I definitely feel like she deserves weekends off, I have always said she is a great mother to ss9, BUT as you said, the responsibility should be SO's, not mine. When he called her to tell her he would be working last Saturday, she even offered to stay with ss, which I thought would be the proper thing to do, but my SO felt guilty doing that, so instead he has ss picked up by his father, dropped off at Mil's apartment, and eventually ss called me and I picked hime up (this already happened).
Honestly, I would never run and tell BM anything about my SO just because I love SO and would never want to jeopardize his relationship/visitation with his son. BUT I get a little annoyed that my SO puts up this front to her like, "no, I still want to see my son, so I will have him picked up tomorrow" (in a soft voice), then guess who's the one who does everything for ss? I just sometimes feel like he's a little scared to let her know how he really feels and that he's not perfect, just so she could think he is the perfect daddy, when in reality, on the weekends, I consider myself more my ss's daddy than my SO, lol.
This is why next weekend, I'm beginning my experiment (see previous posts), where I will take off when ss9 is here for some well deserved *me* time....
yeah, thats not right, you
yeah, thats not right, you should not have to care for ss. I do alot for ss while he is with us, but dh is by my side every step of the way. and in no way is ss dropped on me to care for, i agree you really do need you "me" time...i need to read other posts it seems...but why is SO even agreeing to the current schedule? would bm take him to court or something? it sounds like bm is a good mother, and it would be better for all involved if ss stayed with bm when so isnt able to watch him. maybe eow or something. have you tried to bring it up with him?
its weird that hes so concerned with pretending but actually is making not very much effort and leaving you to handle ss. if he doesnt care enough to spend time with ss, then why does he care enough to keep up the facade? he most likely spending more energy on that than if ss stayed with bm, and they made a new arrangement.
is SO immature? to me from just this post it seems that he is not very connected to ss, and is very selfish. for me, and i dont mean this rudely, but if dh didnt make time for us, but quickly scheduled a night out with the boys....well he wouldnt be a dh, he would be an ex. in this world of step parenting i feel that its very important for survival that our SO's and bf's and dh's make us top priority, and to me it seems that your SO is only thinking of himself and his image
You know, I don't think SO
You know, I don't think SO is immature, I think that he didn't have a good example of a father figure growing up so he doesn't know how to be a good father (in my book). He thinks that picking ss up according to the visitation is being a good father. I think being a good father entails calling your ss on a daily basis (ss has his own cell phone) just to say hi. And giving ss hugs and kisses when he needs (and wants) them. And buying ss Christmas and birthday gifts, regardless of whether or not you have the money (trust me, I've pulled money out of nowhere just to save Christmas for ss). I think that what angers me is that my SO gets all the credit of being the good dad, while I am the one pulling his strings and standing behind him, trying to get him to do what's right. SO loves the praise, and wants to be a good daddy, but sometimes, I get resentful of this whole stepparenting thing, what I've had to and still have to sacrifice, and that it largely goes unappreciated and unnoticed.
I think that SO is afraid that if he doesn't pick ss up one weekend (or asks to change the schedule sometimes) BM will take him to court. I don't even know if that would be possible, because for the most part, SO picks ss up when he's supposed to.