Just completely ANGRY

Those of you who know my story and background, know that I really do love SD13. She is kind and mostly thoughtful. Her mother and sister are mostly not. So there is over 5 plus years of pent up and unexpressed anger and resentment.

Last night I had an eruption of anger, mostly at DH, and some of that filtered to SD13. I am still so angry this morning and have zero outlet.

So - my story.

Last night, while running errands with DH, I asked him about Munchkin and the mother and the move-in. Supposedly she is moving into the "new apartment" today. All I asked was did he receive any communications. He got angry, and then it just exploded, with me responding in anger. I told him how I felt, and told him we are on consequtive day 15, with 17 days total this month. And he will still owe child support (its not super high, its 347, but still finances are tight since mortgage and we have a lot of people we have to buy for)

He went off on me. Previously he has said to please trust him on this. He doesnt want to upset anything, doesnt want to "wake the beast" doesnt want to make waves. OK, I just asked if she had communicated any changes to schedule. I might have been a bit harsh...

That ended and we were then civil/polite to each other.

Then at dinner, SD13 started talking about her winter concert at school. She did not invite me; I asked about it while she was talking with her father. Then I said "well what time is it?"

"Its at 5:30 start time."

I told her "well, its too far for me to make it at that time, Ill be 30-45 minutes late, so Ill probably miss it competely"

She said "Oh, thats ok..." Like its ok, it wont hurt her feelings at all that I will miss it.

and then I said " I havent missed a concert in almost 6 years, but oh well, I dont really count, its the parents that count. Im just the step aside."

Yup I said that, folks. Not my finest moment!

She responded with a frownie face, and told me that she meant that its ok because they always start with the band, and shes the orchestra and more advanced and I wont miss anything because shes on last. ANd DH interjected that she of course considers it important that I am there and that she thinks of me as a parent. And she said yes thats true...

Im like ok...breathe.

THEN, after all that she talked about helping her mother move today and how excited she was and how she wanted to help but there was school. Right, like she has EVER lifted a FINGER to help ME at all. Its pulling teeth to get her to help with dinner dishes, after Ive bought the stuff, prepared the stuff and cooked the stuff. Absolutely no help offers, But Toxic Troll is SUCH a victim, she NEEDS the help. This is after Monday, where SD13 had her period go through her pants and who did she call? ME. Who is over 30 minutes away! Who did she consider calling? Toxic Troll, who is 5 minutes away! And yes, I dropped everything and swooped in without a second thought. It was my assumption that she had first tried to call her mother and there was the typical no answer.

Yeah, how I took that was not as DH suggested, that she chose me over mother because she can depend on me always, but that we MUST not INCONVENIENCE Toxic Troll. But we can ask Clove to drop everything and come running, because she was unprepared. I even bought her ince cream after (bad I know, but wanted to cheer her up...)

She doesnt know I am angry, but Im feeling it today.

I just want to dive into full self-care mode and let them do them, and not to bother me with requests for help, or rides, or the pads she likes, or the foods.

I think I am also upset because I get attached, and comfortable with the family flow of things, and then she just toddles back to the Troll. Like "bye felicia!"

CLove's blog
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I think you will feel better

I think you will feel better if you stop thinking that somehow she's going to choose you over her mother because you are a better person and a better parent. You are, but she's not going to - at least not until she's much older and sees through TT (like - 15 years from now).

If you are doing all the nice stuff for her to get her to see you as better than her mother, then yes - you should stop. If you can live with always being stepmother (ie second to bio mother), then reset your expectations and carry on.

No - its not that I want that

DH said that, I did not. He was trying to make me feel better.

I do things for child because I want to. She appreciates it, so that encourages me. Its not a competition, I know that she will always choose the mother, no matter what. Sometimes I "forget", but then get hit with that realization, that there is someone else out there.

I tend to get comfortable in my family bubble. And mention of Toxic Troll is jarring to my system. Its so weird. It triggers me when she tells me about helping her mother find an apartment (took her out of school), and then how she needs to always help her mother, be there because she is crying and depressed over feral forger.

Like, ok, I need help too. I have bad days too. I just dont lean on kiddo for things like that, I just want her to be a kid.

Except that you then get

Except that you then get upset and want to stop doing things for her. What is that about?

triggers there

I think it has to do with the fact that munchkin is so lazy. And she is so dependant on me. All I hear at home is "clove, clove, clove."

But get zero help and zero offers of help. I ask sometimes, and wait, and wait.

Toxic Troll - she gets all the concern and help offers and just everything. She does nothing! She still has no job, she does nothing for kiddo.

I get nothing, except more requests and expectations. I feel like I have put more into my relationship with munchkin and get very little regard back. Im feeling unimportant. I over extend, then nothing back. And it extends to things like asking dad if she can have this or that - of my things, and OUR things. Its all the small things adding up. Like the pads, I bought them - went to the store twice, to get exactly the right fit. The umbrellas - I bought two because one was too small. This adds up financially, as I have not asked for reimbursement and am feeling like I need to back way off (AGAIN).

And Toxic Troll just sits on her butt. And gets the recognition because shes "the mother".

I think holidays are making me more emotional too...

I choose to do a lot for DH

I choose to do a lot for DH that he doesn't ask for - and then sometimes when I get mad at him, I feel unappreciated. But then I have to remind myself that he didn't ask for any of that, so if I want to stop, I should. But then I don't, because basically it's my personality to give that way. lol. Seems like something like that going on.

Yes

Its mostly Munchkin, and what I do for her. He even tells me that Im too much sometimes. But she really likes the attention. Its been three weeks plus, and Im used to 5 day "breaks". Holidays are stressing me a bit too.

Sometimes it's the thing that

Sometimes it's the thing that is in least supply that is most sought after. While I'm sure Munchkin loves you.. she probably also wishes her mom had it together like you do in order to be there for her. She gets the least from her mom.. so anything from mom is cherrished. She does things for her mother.. probably in some misguided thinking that if she just helps her mom more.. her mom will be more of a mom.

And.. yeah.. that can sound like a rejection or taking for granted.. but I think it would be odd for a child to not want their mother or father.. want that relationship/affection.

I always appreciate your fair and balanced assessments

Interesting perspective. I also see this a lot on these boards. Children get more from steps and less from bios, and that less is considered "more precious". Whatever THAT is - time, money, stuff, energy, attention.

I just need to perhaps give less of myself in hopes it becomes more precious somehow? See that seems like such a game.

I dont know of any other solutions. I hate seeing the conflict, so I refuse to do that. But I also hate all this sympathy and help and empathy going to Toxic Troll. Poor victim mother, being ABUSED by sister. Ugh.

Thanks for the perspective. Not much to do but carry on and move foward.

Sweety it's time you took a

Sweety it's time you took a BIG step back and fully indulge in self-care...like ASAP. You are angry, upset and if I'm safe to assume don't feel appreciated...not by your H or his daughter.

Yes its time you let them DO THEM and not allow your emotions, time and energy to get involved. Let your H do all the footwork because you appear burnt out.

Do yourself and mental welling being the favor....you need this!

Tell them?

Or just DO IT?

Escape somewhere.

Honey tell them or runaway,

Honey tell them or runaway, either way you need this for your own sanity.

Take care of you CLove!

Gym

I have a membership I never use. and will use that as my escape hatch. I need a break from them and THEIR needs.

Do you ever get lost in everyone elses needs that you forget your own?

Yes I have which I have

Yes I have which made me learn the hard way it's not healthy.

Sending you love CLove, you deserve this <3

Thanks - talking to myself

Something odd about me - I have complete conversations with myself and right now my conversations with SD13 are going like this:

"I remember you sobbing because your mother was paying more attention to her dudes and texting, than YOU. I remember when you were crying because she was paying more attention to your sister. And now you want to help her get things done. Meanwhile, Im here, doing and helping and buying and then more doing and helping. What about me? What about helping me? Never offers to help me. I hate being a Stepmother."

Things I cannot ever say...just pent up emotions.

He doesnt want to upset

He doesnt want to upset anything, doesnt want to "wake the beast" doesnt want to make waves.

I understand that, to an extent, but what does he think she will do if he doesn't bow down to her? Didn't they recently go to court over CS? So, that's a done deal for awhile. What is he so afraid of? Or, is that really it?

I think she will ask for more money soon

three years is the time frame for adjustment of CS, normally, but there was a "change of circumstance" ie she lost her job last november. I think the uncertaintly of what she CAN do and what she WILL do, is the factor. Fear of the unkown. Fear of her taking more $$. Fear of her accusations. She can still "get to him" emotionally through the children.

I get it, been through this.

I get it, been through this. I had to step back with SD13, we've had a good relationship really over the years, but she's doing really different things now, I suspect PAS like her sister (this is in addition to the normal teen things - those I can actually deal with to my surprise). If I suspect I won't keep my mouth shut I either leave the area entirely OR if I cannot, just repeat in my head "do not say anything!" over and over again. Those work for me. Or say "that's nice."

I think to save yourself you'll have to step back on some things. Maybe it's just one or two things, but those will alleviate the feelings of craziness most likely...

I have been pretty good hiding

We exchanged pleasantries this morning, Dh tells me he appreciates me and that I do a lot.

Said "thank you".

But these emotions are THERE. Holidays stress added to this.

I'll never understand these

I'll never understand these men that would rather upset their own wives than their ratchet X. He doesn't want to wake the beast, he needs to be afraid of you and what will happen if he continues to pussy foot with her.

No way can I tolerate a man placing another womans feelings and needs over mine, especially a deranged X.

Right? Wanna see a beast?

Right? Wanna see a beast? Pander to your psycho, whore ex-wife and you will not know what hit you.

HereIam~

I wish a M@tha F@@#% would!!!!

nailed it

I see this so many times!

I never took it to heart before.

He is less afraid of upsetting me than upsetting the x.

pander

yep. Gotta love the word pander.

I got so pissed last night I called her a degenerate peice of sh!t, and that I f@cking hate her. So much anger and frustration.

Cant upset the troll, oh no.

Well Im getting very upset just thinking about the effing YEARS hes pandered to her. Moved her and furniture out to 3 different apartments during separation.Pandered during divorce. Cannot stop pandering because fear of her temper.

You can love SD

With out waiting on her hand and foot. BM will always be number one, she will always do* for BM. You will never be better then BM. That the fact you have to face. It's up to you now how much you want to do for SD. Let your DH parent his kid, as in taking care of her, cooking ect. You are not the de facto babysitter any more. He doesn't want to rock the BM boat. He should not rock your boat.

Something you posted about hubby not

Wanting to wake the beast (aka exwife) means he’s happy for you to have to deal with almist 3 weeks non stop skid because bio mum is moving house yet cs is staying as is on old system where assumedly bio mum had kid longer and there is more stress than usual.

so many dads of divorce who think between exwife and current wife, that they need to keep exwife happy and not unleash the beast within her because we are sort of expendable in a way and our feelings don’t count as much

I feel like our SDs would get

I feel like our SDs would get along great! Maybe we should set up a play date for them. If we're feeling really generous, we can invite their a**hole mothers too since our SDs are alll about their ah-mazing mothers right now. I mean, really, they only need us to facilitate even their most basic of needs (who was the last person who bought you socks or put lunch money on your account, kid?) so we'd be within our scope of servitude in doing so. Ugh.

I have, so far, managed to hold my tongue but I'm getting near my breaking point and feel like any day I'm going to be coming on here with a similar post.

I really feel like the holidays are NOT helping my mental health. I mean, this has been going on for months for both of us, but at least for me, Thanksgiving and birthday and Christmas all within 30 days of each other, then add in new BM drama and a brathole SD? I am so far from my best self right now. Hang in there CLove. No advice, just solidarity.

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