I see the same thing.  The only thing that can change it is when the parent, like you did, "rips" the kids a new one and makes them refocus on others before themselves. 

I've been going to another forum board more often lately and it is very interesting to see the younger generation's (young adult) input on this issue.  Many of them have absolutely no remorse or problem with never calling their parents, grandparents, extended family.  They figure it's up to others to contact them and if they don't have time to talk, or don't want to talk with frequency, then the parents should just back down and leave them alone. 

The fundamental philosophy is, "I am the most important person in my life." so they focus on themselves, their own spouse, their own kids, etc.  Which is understandable to an extent - they are adults and need to build their own lives.  But now, many want to do so being unaffected by anything happening to their own family's older generations.  Most complain when their parents/gparents say something about not hearing from them.  They immediately go on the board and start b!tching about how intrusive and overbearing their parents/in laws are, and ask others on how to set up "better boundaries" so their annoying older family members will leave them alone.  God forbid one of their parents or grandparents need assistance or has health issues which need attention, then it is a HUGE intrusion on their lives. It appears as though it doesn't take much for them to cut off their family and to circle around their own peers.  There are many on that board who are completely estranged from their parents and seem to like it that way.  Out of sight, out of mind, out of their hair. 

IMO, this is a result of children being put on pedestals.  

I haven't found this so far in my family, but my siblings have young adult children who are, as is typical for the times, still fairly dependent on their parents. My 26-year-old niece lives on her own with her BF, and she's always been very good about keeping in touch with my mother.

My SS20 is still so enmeshed with BM, I long ago gave up any effort to be anything other than Dad's Friendly Wife - if he has kids, it's way down the road and I don't see DH or I getting attached to them unless SS has a major mindset change.

I do think spoiled and entitled young adults are the ones who do this - and the parents have created and fertilized this attitude in many cases.

Parents have been complaing about this for centuries, so it's not a new problem. (What, you don't write? I haven't had a stone tablet from you for years!") Just think how parents felt in the time before cell phones....

I'm 38, so while the memories of college are fading, they aren't completely gone yet. I worked two or three jobs the entire time I went to college. I had a boyfriend and friends I rarely saw due to studying and working so much. I didn't call my parents as much as I should have, but they didn't sit around waiting for me to call, either. I looked to my peers for advice and guidance and relied less and less on my parents. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I didn't start putting in an equal effort to keep in touch until I was in my 30s and had my own kid. I think that's the natural order of things. Kids going off into the world or college today are probably even busier. Minimum wage is still the same as it was 15 years ago when I went to school and college costs about twice as much. They are working their asses off and have about 20 minutes of downtime everyday. Now, if you have a severely limited about of time and you are stressed about school and rent and your shitty job, do you spend it blowing off steam with your friends, or do you call your parents whose expectations have been stressing you out since the 90s?

My general view is this:

Most adults make the selfish decision to bring children into this world to fulfill their own desire for family, to leave a legacy, or whatever other reason they have for bringing kids into the world.

For a multitude of reasons, not every child is thankful to be born into this world or feel any sense of having to be part of that biological family structure. They didn't choose to be born. They didnt choose the family they were born into. They just sprang forth as the selfish byproduct of other humans' desires.

I don't think child-parent relationships have to be a two-way street. I think kids SHOULD have the ability to dictate what that relationship looks like with their biological family. That IS the choice they have, and I don't find it fair to hold them to the idea that they should be have to be part of the family.

Parents should work to make the family be something that their kids WANT. And kids at all ages - including adulthood - should be reminded of the benefits that being part of the family bring to them. That also means the family needs to be wantable and inclusive of the progeny they produce, and biases need to be shed.

Basically, the want for a family doesn't trump an individual's right to dictate the type of relationships they have with said family once they become adults. If they aren't as connected or close as hoped, then have a conversation about that. But it seems wholly selfish to expect an independent person to adhere to our selfish wants just because we produced them. That's an unfair burden to put on someone who had no say in the matter. We don't make employees show absolute loyalty to their employer even when they choose their employer and are compensated for that loyalty, so it seems silly to expect it when the kids didn't even get a choice.

I think it's a mix. When kids are self-sufficient and grow into young adults, they want to figure things out on themselves. I do think their focus switches on their own lives, relationships, work, etc. 

However, I also think kids who were entitled and spoiled tend to lean this way too. If everything SKs parent does when they were younger was a "prize" or "treat" then why would they be motivated on their own. 

For example, I know DH was guilty of this. When you come back next week, we will do ______. Everything was always to entice SD. Well, when they grow up and they have no motivation to "get anything" out of the relationship, I think SK naturally pull away. Their mindset is "what's in it for me?" Sad but true, when you raise brats.

We have made self focus an art form.  I raised two fully formed heathy humans who chose to have a relationship with me and their surviving grandparent.  We spend time together and individually.  Both my kids will call me or DH just to chat or ask for input on home repairs or things of that nature.  DHs kids -the boys call regularly his daughter?  If he didn't call her he'd never hear from her. But this is the result of how she was parented.  Both her mom and dad let her ignore them until she needed $$. 

i haven't seen my mom in person in 14 years.  We talk 1 or 2 times a month but travel has been an issue. I've always had a small herd of children and she doesn't drive or feel safe traveling alone.  If I visit her I have to stay in a hotel since she has no place to put me up.  The time, cost of travel, then lodging has deterred our visit for years.  I4 years ago I flew her and my younger brother in to see me and the visit ended badly. She blew up after a few days and wanted me to send her back earlier.  

I'll probably travel to see her in the future but it will be a short visit and on the way to somewhere else.  Is it worth it?  Not all families remain close when they are it seems like the parents are the main factor in brining all the kids together, celebrating holidays, vacationing... Divorce doesn't help.  It makes it harder for kids to reach out to two sets of parents rather than one.