How to address gracefully?
SO's so excited to have his 24-year-old daughter visiting. He has always gone on about how she's going to be a doctor, how smart and together she is, etc. We went on a short trip and, well...
As soon as we get there, she says she forgot her meds. It's for depression and my DD15 takes the same med, but in 1/4 the dose. SD24 has been "borrowing" DD15's meds and has now drained half the bottle. SO says he will replace them before they run out. SO and I then get groceries and when we get back, SD's phone is plugged into my charger next to my bed. She forgot it.
The first day at the beach I was ready to go back to the hotel but SO said he had to stay and watch SD24 play in the sand (catching fish and animals.) He said that due to a medical condition she has to be watched at all times so she doesn't get overheated. Mind you, she only visits like once a year so idk who babysits her the rest of the time!
She is very attention seeking and talks continuously and loudly, arguing with most of what anyone says and then going on for several minutes about why the person is wrong. The first night she came to the dinner table in a sheer, thin white shirt that showed her entire breasts and nipples. This was with her father, her 17 and 11-year-old brothers, me, my daughter, and my daughter's friend. I thought maybe she didn't realize, so i said something to SO. He pulled her aside and asked her to cover up, but she said no. He then put one of his own shirts on her.
For the rest of the trip and after returning, though, she continued to dress in a way that exposes herself, including short shorts and leggings with no underwear and sheer crop string tops, all of which show her breasts. If nobody is giving her attention, she will cuddle up to her dad and take selfies or start dancing in her chair, anything to make sure people are looking at her. After the first time, my SO just sort of giggled and said he can't bring her around his parents, and talked about how her BM didn't raise her well. I admit i tend toward the modest side, and just being around both SD24 and him with her so blatantly exposing herself makes me feel awkward and kind of icky.
Really the only time he and I spent any time together was in a shop buying shirts, and after a while he asked "where's SD?" We found her outside sitting on the curb crying. He said she was upset because while she was out of town, her boyfriend's mother came to their apartment and saw the filth and began cleaning. SO just lamented "poor SD, her mother didn't raise her right." SD never lifted a finger the whole trip. She would hand her dad her dirty dishes and say "I'm ready for you to wash this!"
She is in town for a few more days, and i've just been avoiding seeing her. Last night i went home and said i was tired. Today i plan to just make excuses to not hang around them.
My question is, is this the right tactic? Should i be honest with SO, who clearly thinks the sun shines out of her (often exposed) a-hole? If so, how? In the future, i don't want to hang out with her and i'm embarrased to bring her around my family. I feel like this will come up again. Also, i have to admit that seeing him cater to all this has really turned me off. I'm thinking that once she's gone, i'll get it back but idk. I don't want to associate myself with this person.
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I just took the time to read
I just took the time to read backwards and figure out your situation. I have a question and some light advice. Q: what exactly do you get out of the relationship with this man? Advice: seek counselling for yourself. Not as a couple but just for you. I don't think you value yourself as miuch as you should.
Rumple, I cannot agree with
Rumple, I cannot agree with Gimlet more. She is right on about all of this.
I'm just going to add, because we've chatted before, that even if he tries his best, that still may not be good enough. And that's okay! Not everyone will be our someone, even if they try their hardest to be that person. Objectively, he can't consistently meet your expectations. He just can't. That alone is enough to say that this isn't working.
Also, his "friend" can't just give him antidepressants on a whim unless the friend is willing to commit a felony. You'll need to contact the pharmacy for a refill and either tell the truth, fib a little ("we found out someone was stealing them"), or straight-up lie ("we went on vacation and accidentally left them at the beach"). Then hand your SO the receipt for the meds and make him repay them. You know better than to expect him to fix a problem of his own making because he never does.
Why do you want to be
Why do you want to be graceful about this? Don't you think it's time you were absolutely blunt about how you feel? He's not hearing you, you're being too polite and not nearly loud enough. Don't do anything you don't want to and tell him exactly why. Why does he blame it all on his ex when he himself does bugger all to change things?
Dammit, she stole (no, she didn't borrow them) your daughter's meds, she dresses offensively ("SD, don't you have anything that fits you?", and has (apparently) no redeeming features. It's time you told your OH why you don't want to be around his kids. He needs to know. And he needs to stop blaming his ex when he isn't lifting his little finger to change things.
There is no way to address
There is no way to address this gracefully. You need to learn to say no to inappropriate requests. It is illegal to share prescriptions. His friend cannot legally give him pills to make up for what SD used. If SD actually has a prescription for these, why is she not replacing them?
So, update - he did call his
So, update - he did call his friend and bought the pills. His friend owns a pharmacy and he bought some for my DD and slme for SD. And i told him i wouldn't be having my family (my kids and my dad) around SD if she can't cover up. I'm all about people wearing what they want in their home, with their SO, hell, even with their family. Some people are nudists, etc. But - i am more modest and i don't want to look at that, so i'm taking myself and my daughter out of that situation.
ETA i know it's illegal but it's done, as far as the meds. I just don't want my daughter running out. She's been doing really well on them.
His daughter could have
His daughter could have contacted her own Dr's office, explained the situation and had a small amount of the medication prescribed and available through a pharmacy nearby. There was no need at all to involved you or your daughter.
Why in the hell are you okay
Why in the hell are you okay with him doing something illegal when there were two legal paths in front of him?! First was for SD to get a temp prescription sent to a nearby pharmacy. If that didn't work, offer to pay you to refill DD's script.
Sorry, but you just made him sound like a bigger a-hole than I already thought he was.
Not only is it illegal, but you and your daughter
Not only is it illegal, but you and your daughter are at risk if any kind of an investigation were to happen.
Good for you for telling him that she needs to cover up. There really does seem to be some strange thing between them as far as that is concerned.
So, you choose to stay in
So, you choose to stay in relationships with a man who ends up making you commit illegal acts? Is this no prescription pill buying a felony?
I agree with what others have
I agree with what others have said and, good Lord, what is the medical condition that a 24 yr old needs to be "watched" the whole time? It sounds bizarre. She needs to be responsible for her own medical needs and for her own meds, unless she has a learning disability. She seems to be wanting to be treated like a young child and your SO colludes with it.
I keep having additional
I keep having additional thoughts. If I were him, I'd have been not just embarassed but also mortified to be hanging out with my daughter with her bits and pieces exposed. Why wasn't he?
It reminds me a bit of how
It reminds me a bit of how Donald Trump talks about his daughter Ivanka. He makes comments about how sexy she is and it's just icky but I think he's saying this because he's proud of her.
In a way these dads are proud of their sexy creations. It's all about his ego. Her showing off is gratifying to him. If she is as messed up in the head as you say then perhaps the only thing he has to really be proud of is her physical form.
Be direct and don't worry
Be direct and don't worry about saying this gracefully.
To SD:
"Do not touch my daughter's medication. It is not yours and was not prescribed to you. If you are out, it is not my problem. You need to call your own doctor."
"Do not 'borrow' my things without asking. If you 'need' a charger, please ask first. Also, it's very inconsiderate of you to help yourself to my room and my things."
To SO:
"I will no longer be vacationing with you if SD attends. She does not dress or act appropriately and I do not want my children exposed to such."
Also, don't make excuses for not wanting to hang out.
"I don't want to look at SD exposed body parts. It is inappropriate and gross. We will be off doing ____ instead."
This ^
And finally add: SO, please stop blaming BM entirely for 'not raising SD right'. This is also your fault and your issue to solve.
This is what happens when a
This is what happens when a parent puts a child on a relationship/partner status with them at a young age. He doesn't say anything because he feels they are equals and it's not his place to tell her differently.
Nailed it!
This whole post is barfworthy! How does OP have any respect whatsoever for her H and his obviously messed up biological extrusion to the point of illegality?
Update - After the first
Update - After the first incident of finding her phone plugged into my charger in our room, SO and I told all the kids not to come in our room and mess with our stuff without asking. When we were packing, my charger was missing from the outlet next to the bed, meaning someone came in on the last day and took it. SO went to SD's stuff and said he found it and put it in my bag. Except, when i got home i realized that it wasn't my charger at all. He picked up the wrong one and it was for some other electronic (SD had taken several chargers for her various electronics.) It was my only one so I asked him to find out if SD has it.
SO called SD24 and ask her where my charger is. She was like "Oh whoopsie! I'm already on the road and it must be this white charger thingy here! Soweeee Daddeeee!" I lost my everliving sh!t and told him exactly how i feel about her behaviors and his surrounding her as well. So much for graceful. He went home to bring one of his other kids to an activity but on his way, he stopped by my house with a charger. And i got my daughter's illegally obtained replacement pills (which i would have definitely preferred to be obtained legally, but God forbid SD have to take an ounce of responsibility for herself!) As Gimlet said in the first reply - what did i have to lose besides a pile of dysfunction? Idk if we will be speaking tonight again. I made the mortal sin of criticizing the mini-wife. I didn't come out and say i don't like her, but there was no question about how i feel about their behavior.
Also, earlier, after i talked
Also, earlier, after i talked to him he texted her and told her that while she's at his house, she needs to be covered appropriately. He then had one of his sons give her some long shirts. She was like "Ok Daddeeee!" But then she left. With my charger.
Also to add, i didn't even
Also to add, i didn't even put in the thing that pissed me off the most. We took 2 cars so he could allow SD to decide when he leaves. He rented this big nice SUV and he drove, SD rode in front, and his 2 boys rode in back. I followed in my car with my daughter and her friend. He was going to let SD decide while we were there if they would come back with us or stay an extra day. But - he realized that he couldn't handle the 3 of them without me to help (24, 17, and 11!), so then decided to come back.
Do you like yourself when you
Do you like yourself when you're with him? Because you generally seem like someone who how to handle your life until he gets involved, then you become a self-conscious, unsure woman.
I don't like feeling like
I don't like feeling like *this*, that much is true.
I guess it is true, that i
I guess it is true, that i can handle my life on my own. I have done it for 10 years, and i've learned to manage myself and my kids. I feel very unsettled when there is a lot of chaos or uncertainty and i don't feel in control. I don't know if that's a flaw or a beneficial adaptation to being a single parent. I've never had a true partner. I've sort of always been independent but it's also been hard to keep things together. This relationship does get in the way of going about my daily life a lot of the time. I'm stressing about things i never stressed about before.
Idk, maybe trying to be in a
Idk, maybe trying to be in a serious relationship at all right now is a mistake. I have one kid in college doing well and my daughter started 10th grade today. Instead of being into that, i'm on here whining about a 24-year-old woman who lives in another state who i have absolutely no obligation to waste any brain cells on.
or, I'm not attacking you so
or, I'm not attacking you so please don't read this as if I am, maybe you like the idea of him more than the reality of him. I understand that. I once became a watered down version of myself to keep a man I knew in my head wasn't good for my heart. If I may, let me ask... what does he add to your life? Be honest. It will be illuminating when you take a bit of time and roll the question around in your head. I had to ask myself this once and when I got down and dirty honest with myself, I realized the image I had of what he and I could be wasn't the same as the actual reality of what he and I was. I had to learn to not hold back, not accept the unacceptable from his children and not allow myself to hide me under a shade just to keep him. We did not work out. That's okay life went on and I am the happiest I've ever been. But, I went to counselling for me. Not for us, just for me. If you ask yourself the questions, and you do not like your honest answer, work on you. This marriage might work out, it might not but you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected and valued. With or without him.
(how do your kids like his kids, your situation?)
I think it's high time you
I think it's high time you lost your shit - big time. Holding it in isn't good for you. You have my permission to let RIP. Go for the jugular.
This is gross.
This is gross.
I don't blame you for not wanting to go to your partners place.
Another thing....my ex was
Another thing....my ex was like that. Blamed all his mini wife's shortcomings on her mother, and the "way her mother brought her up"
Hold on a minute, you are her parent too, you played a part in this....
I told him that. When i lost
I told him that. When i lost it and he tried to say it was her mom's fault, i said "You are her parent too, and this is your house. If you think she needs a better parent, be one!" He claims to be this great, super-involved dad, but then rushes to blame the mom. Fk that!
Good for you
I'm glad you spoke to him bluntly on this.
Take some time and calm down and see how he handles it. But if it's more of the same or maybe a short I'm sorry and then back to old ways...well think hard about the whole situation then.
(Hugs)
Yeah, you know what? I have
Yeah, you know what? I have made plenty of mistakes throughout my life. BUT I OWN THEM.
And I admit when I have done wrong. But my ex, and it seems so many men talked about on this site, just cannot do this.
Oh no. It's NEVER their fault - it's the BMs, the school, the teachers, etc etc etc.
When I first met my ex (and this should have been a massive red flag) he told me how when he married his second wife (the mother of mini wife), she sent his two young kids to live with their BM.
Up till that point he had had sole custody for several years. I was shocked when he told me this and said why did you let that happen?
He said it wasn't my idea, not my fault, bla bla bla....
But he didn't do anything to stop it, didn't make a stand for his kids....weak weak weak.
Take credit for the successes
Take credit for the successes, find a scapegoat for the failures...
Late to the party ...
... but "Take credit for the successes, find a scapegoat for the failures... "
I assume you know who the next designated scapegoat is going to be.