eewh, yes too familiar.Ex so would sit next to me in the car and turned around to stare blankly at sd for sooooooooo long that even she as the biggest attention seeker of all asked why he was staring at her .His answer(creepy)="I am looking at you with my loving eyes!!"The story goes on and on, why did I stay??I don't know, I guess I didn't know it any better, but what you describe is indeed a weird reality for many here.My EXso became better and closer to normal in the rs but he would still throw me under the bus if it was about her.Good luck to the next woman who dates these two.

Google Ophelia complex. It resembles what happens with divorced fathers and daughters but I believe is worsened when a stepmother is present. We've experienced a lot of similar stuff. Husbands explanation is overly simplistic but true, I believe. He says he "relied" on her too much. She would shave his back, tweeze his nose hairs, try to sit on his lap at 15, lay on him while he napped on the couch, and much much more. Husbands family thought it was so sweet, and he was the best dad in the world. You know, the perfect example of the father that doesn't need a father daughter dance, or a song to act like Geary eyed love struck protector and friend. :jawdrop: Still, I love my husband and he has come a long way, but now without great expense. Daughter avoids us and twists it to look like the victim of a daughter whose dad chose the wicked stepmother over her. Will write more later if you're interested

I have googled and read as much as I can as well. I will be honest, in some ways I became and am still bit obsessed with trying to understand what I landed in. Because I was hurting so much, I needed to analyse and fix it was my logic. It still hurts even though we have come a long way. My SD17 is a constant reminder of that silly past. In my DH's case, and I hope I do not sound like I am making excuses for him, he seemed more of a passenger. When I met him, SD was 14 and very clear in her actions that Daddy was hers. Like Daisy she was too smart for words and still is. His ex was an alcoholic and he felt that he had to "protect" SD which created a white knight for SD.

When DH sat SD down and said simply and gently that he was in love with me and he loved my son and that he loved her as a daughter, she cried and sobbed for hours. Really scary grief stricken adult sobbing. We had such a strained and difficult time with her. He did make mistakes taking her to so many things and not promoting her independence and desire to hang with friends however I saw how match of this was designed by SD and BM. Now that's not right.

Move on to 16 and she was still so attached to him and would not go out for example with friends. So claustrophobic to live with. He sat her down again and said "Listen we do not like games and disrespect here, You are welcome and treated really well by everyone, just relax and be your 16 year old self. I did make a mistake when I divorced and should have encouraged you to get out more. I realise that living together in the apartment like that without getting advice and getting you out with other teenagers was wrong." Again she sobbed and sobbed for hours.

I am damaged by the whole thing and fear that somehow I have become too obsessed with figuring it out. Sounds like I am not alone and I appreciate this discussion. I feel in the house, I am the one most affected. I know its been hard for my DH too to own his mistakes and try to sort them out and obviously SD17 has had some emotional reactions. However they are both fine at work and uni whereas my life has suffered because I cannot turn up at something that feels unhealthy and not try to sort it out and solve it. They probably would have just kept going if I did not sort it out.

Sorry for long post. I am still searching for truth and understanding and appreciate this sort of information from real people who care.

Definitely relating to the stories here. My SD Maggie is a beautiful 22 year old woman now. When DH and I began dating, she was 14 and still fell asleep on Daddy's chest. Family members promoted their closeness and contributed to her sense of entitlement. She is my husbands only bio child AND the only child in a large closely unit catholic family whose parents where divorced. It also did not help that DH was the baby boy in his family. Darling Maggie would cuddle up next to any family member like a kitten, where they would stroke her everywhere except you know, the forbidden 3 spots. Each having a diameter of about 2 inches. Every other part of her body was game. Maggie just loved the attention and would make sounds of pleasure, smile and reciprocate the affections. It was hard to believe that DH was so ignorant to think this was normal...but he was! After much turmoil and through much prayer, we sought counseling. It actually took 4 different counsellors before my DH would come to the realization that they were too close. Probably along with the statement that I would often make..." Do you expect Maggie and I to take turns sleeping with you after we're married, or where you planning on us all sleeping together. When will we have sex?" The whole thing really grossed me out. I know there is a family history of incest. I am convinced that my husband has put an end to that cycle. I sometimes wonder if he has hidden gay tendencies. His brothers molested him at an early age and at least 4 of the 6 siblings played sex games together. I even suspect that the geographical area that they lived in had many more similar and dark stories. I heard other stories of groups of young men molesting a young handicapped man for sport after a nite of bar drinking. Everything is so hush hush and often times such instances are dismissed as boys being boys. Women in this "area" are nothing more than chattel. It's a very rural, sparsely populated farming community. Life is pretty raw there. I have witnessed my MIL jokingly calling a granddaughter a whore, which drew giggles and laughter from other family members present at the gathering. There were other very off color jokes such as twisting cats nipples to elicit "te's". The children were desensitized at a very young age to all kinds of lude acts. I can't possibly list all of their crazy behaviors. My problem now, is as I have heard here...I am still affected by this. Depression over feeling isolated. In order to keep their family secrets, they continually bully and ostracize me. I learned on this site about relational aggression "RA". This to is a phenomenon that is under publicized. I find it very difficult to be around "the clan" most of whom we avoid, with the exception of Maggie. I try so hard to love her. I admit I do not have a loving feeling toward her which I would rather refer to as affection, but I do make the choice to love her by being kind etc. it is rarely ever reciprocated. I am a Christian. I know I am to forgive. I state that I do, but I am still very disgusted by what I've seen. The bitterness I hold toward some of the more aggressive members of the clan is eating me up. My husband doesn't struggle with this at all. He forgives them and agrees to stay away, but they blame me for his absence. I see know human resolution to this. And them i am reminded that God can do anything. I pray for healing of myself and force myself to pray for them. I ask God to bring others into my life that will fill the void of relationships resulting from this situation. Normal folks would consider me a liar or drama queen, etc. it is so important to vent and equally important to fill the void left by venting with something healthy, new and rewarding, I hope to share hope here that we can find whole ness together and live gracefully the rest of our lives. Is anyone with me? Lets share each others burdens and run a good race!

I am so glad to have found this website and forum for support.

I identify so much with the op's situation, even though my situation is a lot better now.

My question or request for input is how to handle when in laws, for example mother in law who I get along with, bring up my stepdaughter up in a way that dismisses how she's treated me. I am tired of pretending I like my sd, who btw I've done a lot for and act politely and friendly towards, so that she doesn't know how I feel.

It doesn't. My husband is almost completely on the same page as me about his daughter. He thinks his mom doesn't know any better because my SD tries to present herself as having changed and butters up to people, and she says good things about me to MIL, so MIL thinks we're close now. Which she is wrong, my SD is more or less the same, the only difference is she hasn't screamed or yelled for a year.

I don't want her to know my true feelings necesssarily, just be sensitive enough to stop constantly raving about her to me or bringing her up like she's my favorite topic. I am just her stepmom; she could bring her up to her dad instead. I don't understand why it's hard for some people to understand my position. Basically, I'd like the hell I went through to be recognized and for the responsible party not to be constantly shoved down my throat.

Thanks for your input.

sd is married and even now constantly calls and texts dh. at holidays she touches his shoulder as she walks past his chair. and this is a grown woman with a husband. she texts him kisses. she gave his a dirty minded joke card for this birthday. sick.

I'll just chime in here to say that this dynamic is not exclusive to divorced daddies. Daddies still married to their first wives are perfectly capable of enmeshing their daughters this same way. Whether Daddy is divorced or married to Mommy, the results are about what you'd expect. Unfortunately I know this from personal experience.

People who do this to their children should be taken out behind the nearest building and shot.