New Step Parents beware! Please add your warnings for new step parents

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Hi I have been a SM to SS for last 10yrs and it leaves me reeling when I read so many posts of members with rose tinted glasses. I just thought I would type a few warnings for you to hopefully make it work and give you a happy life. Anyone else please add to it and hopefully we can help the newbies out by starting off on the right page when they first move in with step kids.

First and most VERY important is to only agree to living with bio parent if...
He/she is open to discussions good or bad about the children. That you will not argue about it, just talk. You need to work as a team and listen to each other's opinions and advice.
He/she must never storm off and leave you feeling alone in situations.

Sit the Kid/s down along birth bio parent and explain how things might change... For the better!
Tell them that you are moving from a clean home and are used to tidiness, hygiene and manners.
If they will allow you to take care of them and their home then you will be the there for them with as much support and love that they could ever want.

I will add more when I get time but until then, let's try and make this easier on other Step parents so please add more in a constructive way. I wish I had been given some advice because now, after much suffering, my marriage is over.

Warnings: There are

Warnings: There are many. Most are mitigated by the Step Parent Bill of Rights.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

11- As an equity partner in the marriage I will be an equity parent to any child in our home regardless of biology. (I added this one).

This is great! I'm printing

This is great! I'm printing this out, highlighting a few, and putting it on the fridge when I get home today!

I love this!!

I don't like it. I absolutely

I don't like it. I absolutely love it!!!

True words Rags! Here's

True words Rags!

Here's another

If you plan to cook a meal and the skids are out, tell them that every day they need to let you know say by 4pm that they would like dinner or there will not be enough ready and no... You cannot help yourself when you get in, you must simply buy yourself something whilst you are out.

And another...
Breakfast is over by 9am (10am Sundays) so don't think you can lay on your bed all morning then expect to eat whenever you feel like it. Get up, washed and dressed and come down for breakfast or go without until lunch at 12.30.
Nothing worse than an unwashed stinking teen rummaging in your fridge.

I'll add some more when I sit down again

Oh before I forget, always

Oh before I forget, always keep by a couple of thousand in case you need a sharp exit

There should be a "sticky"

There should be a "sticky" Thread, one that is always at the top in a specially made and first listed Topic Forum. The sticky Thread would have this stuff but nobody could add a comment - if you want to add a comment you submit it to the Webmaster who can add it if appropriate.

That way it doesn't get filled with "Hey Joy you're right on" type of filler.

Better yet, it's MUCH BETTER

Better yet, it's MUCH BETTER to live you life alone than to get involved with a man with a "previously enjoyed family."

For the single guy, it's much much much more easy to slide into "BM approved stepdad status" especially if you don't have your own children.

Yes because most men are out

Yes because most men are out all day so they don't have to put up with shit. They can come home and be the hero/walking wallet

Anyway let's not get into that. This is purely to help the new Steps

"This is purely to help the

"This is purely to help the new Steps"

In that case buy LOTS and LOTS of wine.

A bottle of red; a bottle of

A bottle of red; a bottle of white...

I need vodka to tolerate my

I need vodka to tolerate my skid

No allowances full stop! If

No allowances full stop!

If they want to earn the going rate for their age if employed and can't get a job then ASK if there are any jobs need doing around the home like gardening or cleaning etc
Turn it around that you are doing them a favour by offering work or else the jobs will be half done.

Write it all down and add it up at the end of the week. They actually enjoy getting a wage in a large amount rather than small amounts here and there.
It's the parents duty to show kids that's life isn't free all the time they are capable.

Stand up for yourself when

Stand up for yourself when you feel you are being mistreated.

Keep bio mother/father out of

Keep bio mother/father out of your home. They have no place there. It's your love nest!
Kids CAN walk to a car outside but if they are too young or have too much stuff to carry, get your DH/DW to take them.
Trust that your partner is over her/him enough to hand the kids over.
Teens should meet bio parent in the next street and call/text when with bio parent.

Do not try to make kids your

Do not try to make kids your own. Resenting them having another parent that doesn't live with them is destructive to your relationship with partner and child.

Think of them as your childminder so that you and partner can spend quality time together.

Both bio parent should share

Both bio parent should share the kids cell phone bill.
Calls to the child should be made on the cell phone... Not your home phone

this is a good idea!

BM just got sd11 a cell phone

BM just got sd11 a cell phone and we didn't think it was necessary so we don't feel we should pay until he was originally planning on getting her one. So I disagree if both parents don't agree to the expense!

If they don't keep themselves

If they don't keep themselves clean, tell them they have to stay in their rooms because the smell offends you.

If they do disgusting things like raking their nose out, picking their feet, breaking wind, tell them to take that filthy habit to their rooms.

Rather than get yourself in a state shouting at the top of your lungs, just tell them calmly that you are gradually losing all respect for them and act like they are not even there for the day. It will make them think again when they have to wait for bio to come home to ask for something.

Always keep bank accounts and

Always keep bank accounts and bills separate, with a sizable amount in savings to make a quick exit if needed.

Try not to get too

Try not to get too affectionate with DH in front of them.

Never leave your cell phone alone without a lock

So true regarding the phone.

So true regarding the phone. Except it was my DH who had the problem with one of the skids accessing his phone.

"Try not to get too

"Try not to get too affectionate with DH in front of them." Why not? That is almost like saying, "Don't act married or in love with your spouse in front of the kids." Not buying that one. The kids need to see you are married and in love. I'm not saying to stick your tongue down your SO's throat in front of the kids or such, just like most wouldn't in front of any kids. But, holding hands, kissing. Nothing wrong with that.

I see a bigger problem as being that SKs, even as adults, often don't recognnize that DH and SM are married, even though they may have been for years, or that they even love each other. If you just act like roommates whenever the kids come over, that is how they are going to think of SM, as just a roommate of dad's, and as just a roommate, she further becomes someone they can treat however they want and further ignore. Then, when dad finally passes on, for example, she becomes a wicked witch roommate who is after dad's money and money that is "rightfully" due the kids vs. becoming a spouse whose husband rightfully wanted to take care of.

It's interesting you guys

It's interesting you guys mentioned this I was out with another stepmom yesterday and we were talking about our issues. Our issues are different her husband backs her up and let's her parent but her stepdaughter hates her and is jealous because she feels like her dad loves his wife (stepmom) more than he loves her (his daughter) so now she complains she doesn't want to see her father and go to their house. My situation is polar opposite my stepdaughter is more important then anyone in the house. It just feels to me that these families don't work the stepchild/children or BM always find a reason to be miserable or start trouble.

Yep! That is why you have to

Yep! That is why you have to do what works for you (and your DH; hopefully, he's agreeable) and let the chips fall where they may. We are women who are married to our husbands. We are not lepers, for God's sake. You'd think something as simple as you need to treat spouses like spouses and children like children and exes like exes would be pretty basic. But, in step- situations, it can be anything but.

Sorry Sally I tend to type as

Sorry Sally I tend to type as fast as I can before the thought leaves me. Too much going on around here lol what I mean is don't rub their noses in it or hog their BP because it's not only cruel and I believe what comes around goes around but also not nice for children to see parents kissing and stuff. Nothing wrong with hugs and snuggling up in front of the TV

Yes very true

Get a job that has an early

Get a job that has an early start (earlier than your partner) so that you can get out without stress and he/she can get the skids up out of bed and off to school. That way you can have a stress free day because you have been able to have an uninterrupted morning shower, no shouting and a quiet breakfast. Finish work by the time they get back to have a fabulous dinner waiting for your partner that you have put sooo much effort into. Well how did they manage before you came along? Plus you will need your own money and bank account.

Never lose yourself. I

Never lose yourself. I mean... The real you!
I turned myself into the perfect (well almost) wife and mother which in their eyes = boring, grumpy, uptight woman with OCD who doesn't enjoy a sociable drink or sing to make my tonsils rattle. I used to make people laugh just by laughing so loud.
I put on loads of weight just by making what they wanted to eat.
My nail varnish was so old, it had gone hard!
My hands were like a bricklayers hands. Split and sore so what was the point in prettying them up?
I am proud to say I gave it my all yet disgusted with myself that I allowed myself to be someone I'm not.

1. I will not tolerate

1. I will not tolerate disrespectful, rude nor abusive behavior from your children. 2. I will not tolerate disrespectful, rude nor abusive behavior from you 3. I will not spend my money on your children when they have two living, healthy bio parents who are employed when your money is rarely spent on any consideration of my expenses. Yes occasionally I will help out and pay for things but this is my choosing and should not be expected. 4. It should not be assumed that I will spend my free time babysitting/playing free sitter/nanny/ taxi driver to your kids. They have two bio parents and grandparents for that. Yes I am happy to help and pitch in but that is my choosing and should not always be expected. 5. I will be listened to when I have concerns to bring up about parenting. We of course do not have to agree but I will be heard and given my chance to talk without being cut off or met with anger. 6. I will not lose myself because of you and your family. I will be allowed, and should be encouraged to have, friends, hobbies, interests and downtime that do not involve your children. I will put my own health and happiness first. 7. You will actively make an effort to teach your children manners and respect. 8. Our bed is off limits to your children. If they are sick, can't sleep, etc. you will go to their rooms and comfort them. 9. You will not side with your children when they are rude, disrespectful or abusive towards me or others. 10. Repeat number 1 again.

Keep separate bank accounts.

Keep separate bank accounts. Do not mingle your finances with any divorcee who has children who are not yours! Always have enough saved in your account to back up on in case you have to leave. Do not sell any property you have and keep it on your name only. Get a prenuptial if you decide to get married!

RUN if you see any signs of Disney parenting or passive parenting style!

RUN faster and farther if BP thinks their child is perfect and can do no wrong!!

Take good care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually

Know your limits and try not to allow anyone to take advantage of you

Listen to your gut