Well I was kindof dealing with this with my 13 yr old refusing to go with her Dad. And I actually posed the question..."Do you want me to drag her out kicking & screaming?" Neither of us wanted that either!
It just turns into a power struggle no-one wins.

I did my part by pushing her to go with him....by brokering a deal...between them in a way..also a bit of pulling rank to seal the deal. Much, much, much, much discussion...about learning to resolve her issues with Dad/GF and not to run away from them.

I discussed moving her room...giving her a better room..not their 'junk room'. Doing fun things.. EX she loves horseback riding. The only way to go...is if Dad takes her..not me. Spending fun time..she's in a good mood..Dad's in a good moon...whatever resentments that are their (on both sides) have a chance to subside enough that they can reconnect...and rebuild good memories..

That kind of thing.....I think forcing them is counter-productive

Things are great now....she talks aobut GF ...all good stuff!!!!
Is spending extra time with him this weekend..etc.

Patience...but it did work!!

It is so important to get SS into therapy - and quick! BM is probably feeding him a load of crap about Daddy having a new family with a new child and another on the way, and SS not being important to him anymore, etc. This is called parental alienation. Children should not have a choice in whether or not they come to Dad's. Both parents should encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent.

From what I've read in your posts, BM is extremely jealous and probably wants to sabotage SS's relationship with you, his Dad and his little brother - and new sibling! I imagine that's where the screaming fits are coming from. SS is trying to protect himself from being rejected by Dad, by rejecting him first.

Of course this is all just speculation. My SD is 11 and is able to voice her concerns and fears over the new baby (that her mother is planting in her head, by the way!) but since your SS is only 6, he just lacks the communication skills to verbalize what he is feeling. He needs an advocate. A therapist can help him work through all these feelings and reassure him that Dad will always be there for him. It's been working wonders for us, so I hope it can do the same for you!

Good luck! Keep us posted.

Skye22…if this was happening before you told him about the pregnancy, I don’t recall you mentioning it then (correct me if I’m wrong) but it seems to me that this behavior is getting VERY BAD recently and the timing of this behavior and the missed visits is very close to when you told him and mom about the new baby to be…yes he’s 5 and 5 year olds have mood swings but I’m still leaning towards the fact that you two don’t know what his mom has said to him about the family addition….also, I keep going back in my mind to his question of “will the baby have the same last name as you guys” which to me verbalized his feelings of insecurity and not being sure where he fit into the picture…

I think that Caitlin is right that he needs to talk with someone who can get at what he is feeling inside…have you guys talked with biomom about the new baby at all with him? Maybe it would be good to have the 4 of you sit down and talk about it b/c this could be one of those fork in the road moments…..if he can see all of you on the same page (daddy and skye have enough love for ALL of you!) then that could help him feel better about it all! Do you think biomom would go for this? Also, do something really neat to include him once you do get him calmed down and understanding that new baby doesn’t mean “less” for him…let him pick the paint for the nursery, or help choosing a name or take him to a class for “sibs to be” where you will be delivering, something like that….

Make a GREAT Day!

i asked my lawyer about all that like if my daughter said that she did not want to go to her dad's did I have to make her.. he said to me that until she is 18 she has to go and if she does not or I did not make her i could be held in content of court.. crazy i think.. how do you force a 17 year old..
i think that therapy would be good.. for the whole family.. together.. united together we stand,,, that is what he needs to see..
i wish you luck..

happy

Give him choices about what kind of activities you'll be doing during the visit, but don't give him a choice about whether or not to visit. He's five, it's not his choice, anyway. Family counseling would be a place to start to figure out where this is all coming from, but I would definitely continue the visits. It's the only hope you have of undoing whatever caused this to start.

~ Anne ~

That's right 6 is not 13...and the co-operation with the mom may not be there....

ss was 6 when we petitioned for a parenting plan. Prior to that, when bm was in a good mood, we had him whenever we wanted, or whenever bm was out drinking (which was all the time). During that time frame, ss never had a problem being at our house, and really liked me. The only time he didn't want to be at our house was during bedtime (up until 8, he slept in the same bed with his mother, so when at our house in his own bed, he felt displaced).

After we petitioned for a parenting plan...the first thing bm did was tell us how we weren't ever going to see ss. For 4 consecutive years, all ss heard about his dad and I was trash talk. After his mother vocalize her hate for us, and displayed how she was eager to be highly confrontational, that is when ss started to vocalize how he didn't want to see us, and he began to never appreiciate anything we did for him.

Any time he went back home to mom, he would tell her the fun stuff we did, and she would contaminate that experience for him by telling him something negative about the event, about us, to couteract us, and tell him how he shouldn't like it. She would tell a 6 year old "your dad better not be 1 minute late bringing you back, or I'm calling the cops.." This terrified my ss. His protest against was in part of pleasing him mother (he felt if he displayed hate for us in front of his mother, she would be happy), and he was also protecting his father from going to jail, b/c he believe everything his mother said.

To this day, I believe his childhood has been thoroughly ruined b/c of her vocalizing her hate for us, and treating a child like an adult by burdening him with adult information. To this day, my ss would rather write us off everyday of the year, except his bday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The only reason he ever calls his dad, is for money, and the only time he says thank you for anything, is b/c he has to be prompted for it.

I am so sad for my ss. And I believe you are experiencing the same events. When children are invovled in adult matters, they don't know how to handle it b/c they don't have the insight for adult issues. He could be throwing these tantrums only to please his mother, and possibly protect his dad.

If I could do things all over, I would have attempted to make a court order for family therapy. According to our bm, nothing is wrong with her, only us, therefore she will never show up to therapy. If you cannot go that route, get into therapy right now, with ss, and find out what he is being told, and the therapist can direct you on what to do, or what not to do. I personally don't believe a child should have the decision on whether or not to see the other parent, but my inner conflict is with my experience and how selfish our bm was to punish her own child to hurt us. I just really feel since we forced the visitations, we contributed to the absolute ruin of my ss's childhood (even though it was the right thing to do). He doesn't just hate us b/c he is 13, he has hated us since he was 6...

My ss was even ridiculed for showing any signs of being happy over at our house...and your ss could be experiencing that.

Therapy, therapy, therapy...

not sure what happened..sorry.

Candice said that children don't hate one parent or the other at that age without an adult encouraging it. Exactly! This is why I suspect that BM's hatred of you is trickling down to SS, either inadvertantly or consciously.

Either way, DH needs to understand the importance of therapy for SS... before it's too late. At the same time, Candice is right that this is not your cross to bear. I'm trying to take that very same advice, myself! I used to allow all of SD's mother's crap to really get me down, but I'm really trying now to separate myself from it and just serve as a support to my fiance.

I'm done feeling depressed and defeated all the time because of a madwoman! I need to take care of myself, my relationship with my fiance, our daughter and our unborn child and I can't do that if I'm stressing over BM. Skye22, I have certainly felt exactly like you do today. I have actually uttered those same words: I just want a calm, peaceful, normal life! With a little effort, you will find your peace. Hang in there - for your babies' and DH's sakes!