How do you distance yourself?
I have been spending time reading this morning and I realize that everyone handles Step parenting differently. I have come to the point in my relationship with SD that is nothing and I will have to take some responsibility for it. I do not agree with the way she is being raised. I am shocked by her behavior and the fact that she is NEVER accountable for her actions. I have the 'gut feeling' that she is heading for a lot of trouble. BUT no one seems to care but me. Everytime I bring up a concern to my DH I find that her BM will back her 110% no matter what she does in order to make me the bitch. It is amazing that the BM is more concerned about making me look bad than the health and welfare of her own daughter. So I have problems with my DH because his ex gets in his face, his daughter gets in his face and frankly he can't handle either one. I was angry that they were 'running' my house because he was basically a huge wimp. She is doing what she wants when she wants and making sure I know it. I have absolutely no say in what happens to her and she knows it.
So here we are, I am the EVIL one and her parents are letting the child run the show and if I point out the child is manulipulating everyone, I get the crap.
So I have decided that it is not my problem. But how do you not care without just distancing yourself.
Right now we do not speak, she fakes niceness when her Daddy is in the room to put on her show. I don't do fake and find I just don't bother. He refuses to just go and do things with her without involving us. He keeps bringing her up to hang out in her room and pretend we don't exist.
I have no idea how to deal with this almost 13SD.
So am I just susposed to turn a blind eye like her parents? I started calling her on her behavior and now she totally snubs me.
When she is in the house it is uncomfortable and strained. I feel like leaving but I refuse to because that is what she wants me to do. I have left with my children and she just takes over my home. I guess she will never accept that fact that I married her father, she hates me and my children and she acts life we are skum that she has to tolerate. The fact that I didn't just smile and say she is beautiful and she is cute and blah, blah no matter what she does. Her entire life everyone has let her run the show, she tells them what to do? I do know that I can't even imagine my kids acting like this. There is no love in her, even the cats walk around her. What would you do?
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I lived there
This sounds exactly like us. I felt right at home when I read your post, my SD is 11 but acts more like 15. She makes the decisions about everything and BM and DH don't seem to have a problem with it. I had to distance myself in order to keep my sanity, and I do feel better, I know DH has noticed this and I truly believe that he prefers it this way. I feel just like you do on the issue of being fake, I can't fake either. We are nice to each other and I try to give DH plenty of time for just the two of them when SD is here. Only you will know if the distance is the right thing for you and your situation, good luck!
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
My BF doesn't seem to think
My BF doesn't seem to think that a 12/13 year old knows how to manipulate a situation. When her BM is a major manipulator...they can learn from the best. She put on a card for his BD that he is a wonderful role model. If that wasn't manipulation - her mom lives with BF for 4 years, and daughter doesn't like it. Her dad has tried to have me stay over on his weekends with her, and she threw a fit telling him how wrong it is. She won't say a word to BM about what she does. Now that he's a good 'role model' it will be even harder for him to have me stay over. As I said - sometimes they learn from the best!
Let them get on with it
I took as much as I could take with the 9 year old SD running the show. She was only visiting 3 nights each week, but each of those nights was Daddy and Baby snuggled up on the sofa. I, in the house I own - had to sit on the floor. Daddy and Baby cooked meals for themselves but not for me. Daddy and Baby did their laundry but not mine. Baby constantly ignored me, or talked about me in the third person "Daddy, what's Grace cooking for dinner?" when she was standing next to me. Daddy didn't go to work. I was working to support them both, although BM is receiving lots of State benefits for her 4 kids by 4 different fathers. She can afford satellite TV. I can't.
One year ago I blew a fuse. Now Daddy and Baby visits happen at his parents' house 3 nights a week. If he won't stand up and support me, then I'm not having my self worth trampled on. My kids are 28 and 32 years old (he's an 'old' Daddy). I was strict with my kids to the point of having bed times and basic manners. DH's Baby runs the show, even telling Daddy to go to bed at the same time as her, in the same room, and I suspect, in the same bed. Eurgh!
He thinks I'm a tyrant. I think MY kids are pretty well adjusted adults, despite the distress of having regular routines when they were kids - oh, how cruel I was! He and BM are raising one messed up kid and I'm not having the repercussions of that when she hits her teens. That's going to be Daddy's problem, not mine.
And do you know what? Three nights a week I spend on my own, and three nights a week I give thanks that I'm not with them Although I get lonely, it could never be as bad as nights with Daddy and Baby.