AngeLily's Blog

home for ten minutes

And we are already effing fighting. God damn love skid weekend. I should live at work.

Now s kid weekend is about to start,
please dear God help me not fall apart.
Help me remember YSS is here for three days,
and to be thankful it's not always.
May the whining and drama be kept small,
and I'll keep trying hard not to bawl.
Two weekends a month may not seem like a lot,
but the aftermath that follows is causing my marriage to rot.
Someday I hope dh will wake up and see,
just how manipulative that boy can be.
But until that time comes or I can stand no more,

Yes, I am a Horrible Person

God forgive me, DH and I just barely recovered from SS7's last visit and now here we are again. Only THIS time it should be even worse. We got a phone call saying SS7 had hurt himself. Sparing the details, he injured himself somewhere people don't see, by his own doing, and he didn't tell mom for two days, she happened to walk in and see. This child, according to DH, is so responsible and can take care of himself. This raises a whole new level of concern for me about this child's thought process and behavior.

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just whatever....

I feel like Alice falling down into psycholand. No one makes sense anymore. I'm wrong for feeling the way I do about my SS, I'm wrong about feeling the way I do about my Bio sons. I'm wrong for feeling resentful towards my xh and my dh. I don't know what I am and am not supposed to do about ANYTHING anymore. Dh can tell me be grateful for what you have here and now when I miss my oldest son, but be Depressed for days when ss7 leaves to go back to bm's and he KNOWS he'll see him again in 11 days.

random rant

So I get aggravated at ss7 when he's dragged all of his hundreds of cars into the living room and proceeds to play with the baby's toys, stands on her play mat she is touching and tasting, puts his feet on her toys she puts in her mouth and dh says nothing. EVERYTHING in the house is his and he can do as he wishes. I swear I'm going to pick up dh and ss7's silverware with my feet, just randomly play with the bazillion cars he just lines along the walkway and leaves there.

things getting worse with me and DS15

I just saw DS15, he wont come to my home so I have to arrange visits at my mom's house. It seems as if the wedge between us is getting bigger and now he is withdrawing from my DD. It is difficult to see him acting like a mini version of XH. It hurts a part of my heart to go through this whenever he allows me to see him. I have tried so hard to not hate my XH for all he put us all through and continues to put us through, but I feel like he has convinced DS15 that I am all the things he runs around saying about me.

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two in one day....

So the floodgates opened and DH and I are fighting. (if you can really call texting fighting). He thinks I am picking on his child and that 7 year olds can't manipulate. Our 7 MONTH old can manipulate. He says SS7 seeks my approval...yes you must be right when he tells me on my day off I can go to work and he can go to a sitter... I can't handle much more of this.

My crazy life

I was married straight out of high school to an abusive, manipulative alcoholic. Dumb choice, but due to events prior I thought that was as good as I was going to get. We have two boys (15 & 12) together who have been my world since the days they were born and when I finally woke up and got the strength to leave their dad, I did. My DS15 rarely sees me, he lives with his father despite me having custody. I have seen him 10 times in the last 3+ years. DS12 lives with me but has anger issues and mild learning disabilities and learned to cope with his father by lying, which he continues.

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