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AshMar654's picture

Hello All,

I know that it has been a while since I posted. If you want the history of my family read past blogs.

Things have been super rough and tough with DS 12. Part-time virtual is not helping the situation but nothing we can do about it. Anyway, new baby is here and DS 5 months is doing great he is such a cute little stinker. Anyway, I need some advice or hear from people who have been through what I am going through now.

DS 12 was asked to watch baby boy for 10 to 15 minutes 3 days a week while DH gets a shower after work. I am still at work so I am not home. All DS 12 had to do was sit in the playpen area for that time and make sure baby boy is good and does not get hurt. Well I found out one time when DH came out DS12 was not in the playpen but outside of it messing with dogs. He was not watching the baby. Last night on my way home baby was apparently crying bloody murder when I got home I could tell it was one of those cries where something was hurting like he was in pain. I grab him he still crying I check him out and look him over push on the areas to see if he gets worse. The only thing I saw is a red mark near his one ear like he got scratched or bumped his head.

I calmly ask DS what happened he said nothing, he did nothing. Not really sure what happened and I will never know at this point as DS will never tell us the truth about what happened. DH says he heard something bang after he turned the shower off. We think that DS was not really watching baby again and baby bonked his noggin pretty good. DS did say that he was not really watching him and was staring at the dogs instead. We ask well why weren't you watching the baby, his response "like you and daddy always watch him when he is in there?" This boy has attitude and a mouth these days. We do when he is laying in there, as the baby is rolling all over the place and grabbing at stuff only time we leave him unattended in the play area is if he is in his bouncer.

DS 12 said he did nothing wrong and it was not his fault. Nothing is ever this kid's fault literally nothing. We are at our wit's end this kid seems not to care about anything. DH and I both get the feeling that he didn't even feel bad that the baby got hurt and was crying for almost an hour. I do not think he hurt him intentionally but he was neglectful. This is the same kid that asks to hold him for a nap and sat there for over an hour doing it. Of course, we were around and watching him hold the baby. Now I am thinking he only did that to kinda say hey look I am doing good, see I can behave to get what I want. When no one is looking he can't even watch him for 10 minutes.

Has anyone ever dealt with older half-siblings and having a new baby? Does it ever get better? I have not been able to focus on the baby at all this week when I got home from work. DS has been not doing his school work and I have been having to be on him about it and go through it with him, or he does something stupid to get in trouble and it is all about DS yet again. Yes DH deals with it at times too. DS12 just will not let up on me. I am sitting feeding the baby and DS keeps asking me stuff about helping with school work, carrying the laptop in with him while I am feeding. I have every time ask daddy. I am holding baby and DS literally looking at me asks me to play a game or do something for him. Even his aunt who thinks the sun shines out his rear end noticed this last visit and said "bad timing to him". It is non stop with him. Has anyone here been through this before?


futurobrillante99's picture

I've had 3 children. Like you, I thought my first child required constant supervision even if in a safe place like his crib or playpen. 

And I thought crying was the worst thing ever.

Then reality sets in and you realize that if the baby is in its crib for 15 minutes and starts crying, it is not the end of the world. 

Have DH put your son in his crib or car seat and go take a shower. The baby will be safe if he's in a safe space. He doesn't needed the 12 year old "watching" him.

AshMar654's picture

Very true. I have put baby in his crib when I need to go the bathroom or get a few things done. I will suggest that to DH. We leave him in there in the mornings while we are getting ready, baby just chills and hangs out usually.

I am just so frustrated with the 12 year olds reaction. I get at this age pre-teen they are so self absorbed. We are going to get him back in counseling soon but he just does not seem to care about anything these days, puts no effort into anything. He shows like no emtion unless you take video games away, no empathy no remorse just nothing. His face when you talk to him about it all is like I am too good for this, just cocky like he knows better and we are all just so stupid. I hate to say this but I am really starting to think something is missing with this kid.

Survivingstephell's picture

DH needs to pick a better time to shower, like during a nap!   Problem solved. 

AshMar654's picture

Well, he gets home at 4:40 and showers right away because he works in maintenance in a chemical plant soooooo, yeah he showers as soon as he gets home to make sure he washes it all off before he holds the baby. Baby is not usually ready for a nap at that time. I appreciate the suggestion.

ndc's picture

12 is a tough age. I don't have any advice on dealing with your ODS because I don't have a boy that age, but I do have a little one.  Babies don't need constant supervision, and most of us can't give it to them because we have stuff that needs to get done.  Surely you have a safe place you could put the baby that wouldn't require DS to be all that vigilant in watching him.  When I would take showers or vacuum or whatever when I needed a short amount of baby-free time,  I'd strap DD into her carseat, swing or bouncy chair or put her into her playpen or her crib. These were safe places where she couldn't get in too much trouble, and if she didn't like it (which was rare - she could amuse herself),  oh well, sometimes a baby is just going to cry.  

My SD8 adores her sister and was always willing to watch her (and frankly is more watchful than DH), but even with her in the room I preferred to have DD in a safe, contained place. 

simifan's picture

12 is a horrible age for everyone. Throw in a new baby & jealousy and possessiveness rears it's ugly head. All kids have a difficult time adjusting to a new sibling - the longer in between the worse it seems to be. Your DS has proven he cannot be relied upon to watch the baby properly. Some kids get better at babysitting - some never do. My SD never could, even though she was 9 years older then DS. In fact, when left alone at 10 & 19 - I was more confident in leaving DS10 then SD19. At least I knew if the house caught fire, DS would get both of them out. 

AshMar654's picture

We will not be trusting him any longer. It is his whole lack of any emotion for anything. He has always been like this. He has this vacant stare on his face like things were not registering when he was younger and not he just has this whole like cocky look when we talk to him about anything. He is always saying he knows. I know this is small and petty but I think it speaks to how he is. His dad said bye to him this morning and DS just sat there and I said are you not going to say buy to daddy. His response oh yeah bye followed up by "its not like he always says bye to me" so snarky. This kid transfers everything on to other people. Always has to point out how others are wrong and why he is never wrong in any way even with the tiniest of stupidest things. We are struggling.

Cover1W's picture

I would say don't make him babysit any longer. If he shows no interest in it don't force him to be responsible for another little human. I hated babysitting as a kid, around that age. I was forced by my parents to do it a couple times for my neighbors but I did the bare, bare minimum.  Find another way.  This isn't like chores IMHO.

AshMar654's picture

Watching your little brother for like 10 minutes while a parent gets a shower is not really babysitting. At least I do not think that it is. That is not the issue here. The issue is how he responded to it, as he did nothing wrong, nothing was his fault. He is like this with everything.

We will no longer be asking him to watch him for only 10 minutes anymore. We will be going a different route.

tog redux's picture

Is he in mental health treatment? He's been through a lot. 

I know you realize it but he's way too immature to watch the baby in any way. 

AshMar654's picture

We are going back. We stopped temporarily because who we were all seeing schedule did not work with his football. He needs that activity for sure. We are going to get him back in and stay way more regimented this time once I get the new insurance from my new job. It is the plan.

You are right he has been through a lot he really has. After several years of trying to make headway and two therapist later we are still no where with him. I want to be able to enjoy YDS but ODS is making it really hard anymore. We will try therapy again and see what happens but he does not talk or only talks about surface things and will constantly try to change the subject. I know it is not easy for 12 year olds but he does not want to ever be wrong, admit he has done anything wrong, or feel bad in anyway about anything.