me and hubby are on the verge of splitting now cos of ss9
I feel like this is the last chance for my marriage and we've only been married about 7 months (been together nearly 4 yrs and have a 2yr old together).
I literally feel that I have ran out of all options and really need some advice on whether I should try a bit longer or cut my losses now. Quite frankly, if we didn't have a 2yr old together - would have left months ago and certainly wouldn't have married him. Stupidly did it to try and make things work and to give my son a solid start in life, thinking why should ss9 deny my son a father in his life.
To cut a long story short, everytime ss9 steps out the door to 'go play' he gets into a fight with the local kids, then comes back and says they're picking on him. So silly me, trying to do the right thing and protect him, went out and tried to have a word with the parents who told me hed in fact been beating up younger kids and when their elder brothers came after him, ran home to play the victim. And now the parents have thrown stuff at the house and basically threaten to beat me everytime I step out the door! Nice eh?!
This I could deal with and shrug off, if my hubby was on my side, which I even more stupidly thought he was. How wrong was I, after another arguement about ss9 behaviour and the fact I thinl he should stay in to play whereas hubby says no way, I was told by hubby that I've always had it in for ss9 (oh yeah, cos agreeing to take on someone elses kid and try to help out is a bad thing?!), that I treat him differently to ss8 (yeah cos ss8 doesn't try to cause trouble, is well behaved and gets on really well with my 2 year old, whereas ss9 when 'playing' with him tries to break his toys, push him off the dinig room chair and plays games where all the people / farma animals die or are eaten by zombies!!!), that I'm bullying oh and dismiss whatever he has to say. Translation, I'm not willing to listen to his whiny crap anymore and am spending more time and attention on our 2year old!
I am genuinely shocked by how niave hubby is and now he wants me to go to my aunts for a couple of weeks to calm down; as though I'm in the wrong!!! I've said its my house too and I'm not going anywhere, if someone should go its ss9 who needs some quality time with his mum for easter hols. He's said no way ss9 is going nowhere and he's never going to let him stay or live with bm so deal with it basically.
I've said fine, am stepping back and you can do the discipline etc of ss9 cos I really can't cope, ave been diagnosed with depression cos of this and I don't really want to be around ss9. He's said no, I can't ignore ss9 and I've got to discipline etc. Cos its not fair!
Am I being unfair? How do I make this work? I just want to go but if I do he'll fight to see our 2yr old at weekends and then he's at the complete mercy of evil ss9 and I can't be there to protect him! Heeeeelp!
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Right deep breath and stop
Right deep breath and stop panicking. You need to try and focus.
From what I gather you have nothing left to lose because your marriage is in the last chance saloon? Well right now YOU have the power in this relationship. I realise it really doesnt feel like it, not when whatever you do your DH criticises and undermines however ultimately your DH cant force you to do nothing. After all, you are thinking of leaving if things dont change FOR YOU.
THAT is what you have to focus on, doing things to CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND HAPPINESS.
So disengage. Your DH is insisting you discipline ss, yet criticises you/bullies you when you DO. So whatever direction you choose you are going to lose, as your DH is not going to be happy. SO STOP trying to make DH happy and do whats right for you. Stop throwing yourself under the bus.
You know exactly what DH thinks and can probably make educated guesses how he will react to disengaging (i.e. scream at you, criticise you or ignore you...maybe all three) SO WHAT. DH has done all of this and you have likely heard it all before. The reason DH behaves like this is because a) you engage with these "discussions" (namely character assasination of you) b) you continue to parent/be nice to ss c) you put everyone first above you and your mental health...even when you are depressed. Time to help yourself I think.
So read this:http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
and apply it to your situation. Tell DH calmly and pleasantly what you are going to do, that you refuse to live as you have been and that you are considering all avenues atm. Do this only ONCE. Do not discuss further (not until DH SHOWS you he has changed) as DH will take that as an opportunity to negotiate and abuse you. DO NOT allow him this opportunity, protect yourself at all costs.
Refuse to look after/be left alone with ss. If DH insists, then take your son and leave the house. SS claims people are bullying him "go tell your dad". Hes crying "go tell your dad". The leave the room. These kids parents are threatening you? Tell them calmly "I agree my ss is out of control, I have tried to discipline him but my DH refuses to allow me to. HE IS NOT MY SON sadly. Best talk to my DH about this, but I would really appreciate it if you could stop x because its frightening my innocent toddler...thank you"
When DH tried to tell you what to do, when to do it and how to do it. IGNORE him. "No thanks DH" then walk away. If he follows you, walk away. WHY waste time and energy on a person who just repeats the same old crap?
Then in the mean time go get some legal advice re:custody/finance/divorce. Dont tell DH you are doing this, do it covertly. Information is power.
Then give yourself some time to consider things and watch the debacle show of DH having to parent his out of control kid!! DH will NOT like it, but hes created the consequences so should be responsible for them. Oh and DH will likely escalate his emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to back down, but dont. Remember this is your last stand and you have nothing to lose. BE STRONG.
Thank you guys, a lot of food
Thank you guys, a lot of food for thought there. I have had a big chat with dh and told him he's to do the disciplining etc. That I will never love his ss as too much has happened that I probably will never like him either but that I will tolerate him, and that if that is not good enough then ill go fetch my suitcase from the garage and go now. After much moaning bowt how I can't ignore ss etc. He's agreed to back off and to take more control and let me get on with caring for our 2 year old. Cause I said I'm giving my full attention to him and I'm not going to get involved or be made to feel guilty cause ss isn't getting any attention from me anymore. He's been quiet ever since. Let's see how long it lasts...last chance saloon time, for my own sanity too! Thank you
a-smims, thing is
a-smims,
thing is even if your DH doesnt agree to you disengaging, no matter. HE doesnt have to agree, thats the beauty of it. As I said YOU have the power to make this decision, not DH.
The reason for disengaging is to cease enabling your DH's permissive parenting of ss, undermining and criticism of you. It forces him to either parent his son, or he will run wild. DH's responsibility, not yours. It also prevents him from criticising all the things you DO do for ss. If you are going to be ripped to shreds for doing the right thing by his son, then let it go. You might as well get the same reaction for not investing anything in his child because you will have more time on your hands, less direct hassle by distancing yourself and not providing ammo to your DH.
So if he starts up again, ignore him. You have told him so he either takes that on board or he doesnt. If he doesnt, then he will suffer ultimately.
Oh my god delilah, that
Oh my god delilah, that article is amazing! Rang so many bells! I am so going to put this into practice as of tomorrow. Sounds like something I could really do (and do with) and will leave me to raise my own son in the way I see fit and not stress so much about their rudeness, lack of manners, lack of respect for me and all other adults and make dh see just how much I had been doing by how little I'm going to do from now on. Thank you so much I already feel a massive weight being lifted. Must be kind to myself and make sure my son is healthy, happy and knows how much he is loved, everything else is his problem and he has only himself to blame by holding me in such contempt for so long. Xxx
I agree with Foxie...send him
I agree with Foxie...send him back outside since that is what dh wants you to do anyway. Let him get his ass whipped!
Will do. Am also putting the
Will do. Am also putting the xbox back in his room so he can stay on there all day for all I care. 2 weeks easter hols and me left to look after them on my own as per, so he can just go upstairs allllllll day long!