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Disjointed today

LimaPapa's picture

I'm no stranger to step-parenting. I've been off this site for several years because I've not been in a Step situation for a long time. I've been re-married before and lived in blended hell for several years.  After we divorced, I took a break for a while from marriage and focused on just my kid.

Fast forward to now. I'm currently in a serious relationship with a great guy for over a year now. He's the one, this is a sure thing, I never want to be without him. etc, etc.  

He's in a situation where he has to sell his house and move, but unfortunately we aren't going to be living together. Here's why: His DS19 is in college, and we live in different states so that's a huge tuition issue. My DS17 is still in HS in our state. But here's the big thing, his DD23 (college graduate) still lives at home, unemployed, and last night they were talking about getting enough bedrooms in the new house so her BF can also move in with them. DD23 calls a lot of the shots in the household.  Her input is very immature becuase she is well kept and has no idea what it takes to pay bills, or run a household, etc. Straight up, she's spoiled as hell. Like I said, I've been through the mini-wife dog and pony show before and it's a frustrating phenomenon.  

Apparently, last nite  the oldest SD28 asked her dad why he and I didn't move in together SD23 and SS19 both chimed in with thier opinions on that.  I didn't ask what they said because if it was positive that would have been mentioned, so I'm sure it was negative. I can't understand why kids that don't pay your bills are allowed to make decisions for everyone. 

I know the answer and that is to wait until we are empty nesters to try to move in together, it just baffles me that this mini-wife thing happens in every single relationship.  I thought since the kids were older it would be different - NOPE!

On one hand I'm sad that we aren't together during the week (we only see each other on weekends and vacations) but on the other hand I never want to be in a step-hell situation again. I just need to keep the peace and move slowly this time. 

 

Comments

hereiam's picture

Yikes!

Do you think he will EVER be an empty nester?

LimaPapa's picture

Good question.  I know he's really dreading the empty nest.  He did mention last night that a good plan would be for her to live at home til 25 rent/bills free to save for her own house.  That's reasonable, and if that's the plan I can hang, but if it's longer Idk and I will really need to do some soul searching and decide if I want to just be by myself. 'm not getting any younger and neither is he.  

hereiam's picture

How is she going to save money if she's UNEMPLOYED? And sorry, but moving the BF in, too? Just no. If they want to play house, they can get their own.

LimaPapa's picture

If I'm honest with myself he is letting that happen so she doesn't move out. I think they have a pretty co-dependent relationship

marblefawn's picture

I hate to tell you this, but...we waited to marry until SD was away at college. It has been constant turmoil anyway. Even when we lived on a different continent and SD was out of college and seriously dating her BF (who became her husband), she still caused turmoil. We've been married nearly 10 years and since I've disengaged, it's  better. But her demands and interference and snotty attitude remain the one thing we argue about.

It's not about the age of the steps. It's about the dynamic he has with them and you already know the dynamic is not a good one.

Your post was like a horror story because every few paragraphs, there was another SD introduced!!!!! I have one and it's a nightmare. I can't imagine having THREE!!!

LimaPapa's picture

If you could go back in time would you not marry your DH because of his daughter? I don't want to lose this relatioship, I'm serious when I say he's the best thing to ever happen to me.  I mean I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to get married again, but someday I do want to close the gap.  We are in a LDR and it's a 2.5 hour drive to see each other. 

marblefawn's picture

It depends on the day you ask me.

Frankly, I never wanted to get married-- he made me want to get married. Right after we married, though, I was laid off. Because of my husband's job, I couldn't move to another area to get a job in my field. So...I had to leave my field. The timing wasn't great. If I had been laid off just a little sooner, no, I wouldn't have married him because I loved my career and life hasn't been the same without it. Add to that the horrible treatment by SD particularly right after our wedding and...well...I don't look back on those early years in a dreamy way and to be honest, I think the betrayal I felt from husband allowing her bad behavior toward me sucked something out of this marriage that I never got back.

I think you're wise not to marry him. Enjoy what you can while you can and get out if you must. Nothing wrong with keeping the exit clear, right?

hereiam's picture

Marblefawn is right, even if his kids move out, that does not mean that they will not be dependent on their dad. The SD23 is spoiled and calls the shots, that may not change at all just becasue she moves out. In fact, it probably won't.