Wait until the kids move out. At least the mini-wife. The other one might be fine. What's her exit strategy? I just don't get these kids that want to still live with their parents after graduating. I don't know any kids like that around where I live. 

Moving in together will be in Not a Shrine to the Deceased Mom. It will be into a house that will become a home for the TWO of you. 

SD23 needs a boost out of the nest. 

Shame on you,

Fool me Twice--Shame on me.

Knowing there's a mini wife in the picture of ANY age, there's no way I'd get with this guy no matter HOW wonderful he is.

Friends don't let Friends be StepMOMS.

Have you talked to your BF about any of this?

I would move into a NEW house with BF.  Then the house is both of yours and not just HIS and the kids.

Definitely not just you. I would go with your plan to not move in until his daughter moves out, and let him know of that plan. It's time for her to move though...he isn't helping her by letting her stay, and playing house with your 23yr old daughter is not exactly a healthy situation. You both seem to be of an age where you should be able to enjoy having the house alone together! I would tell him that you would like to move in together, but not while SD is there. That should get him thinking about what he's going to do- then, as everyone else said, present the option of moving to a new place together as a fresh start, minus SD.

are always going to feel like an outsider in that house.  This is the way we have Thankgiving, Christmas, New Years, ect.ect.  This goes there, that goes over there ect.  Need orange sheets for Halloween,   You have to get a new house, and new way of doing things.  The kids are not going to like change, so you are going to have to put your foot down.  If SO want to live in the emotional past, he’s is not for you 

Keep your apartment and really consider what a future with him will be like if he's enabling and catering his adult children like this.....if you think its bad now wait to see how it will be if you were to ever live with him. Its going to be a battle of who's Queen and you may lose the fight if he's not backing  you up.

I don't think this is you needing to chill out.  I would not want to move into a home with another adult woman.  I don't think I'd be willing to move in until she was launched.  I would just not be comfortable with his adult daughter living under the same roof.

What does she do?  Is she graduated from college already?  Has she started her career, or does she at least have a job?  Does she do the housework for him?  I'm curious what the arrangements are between your BF and his adult kids.

Ugh, just looked at your other blog about your BF and his kids, seems they are rather co-dependent. Your BF is probably going to need some incentive to clear the nest and he will have none if you concede and move in while any of his kids still live there.

Also, it sounds like he would for sure allow them to come and go as they please, being that that is THEIR home. Don't move into that house, ever.

themselves.  The family home is the one they grew up in - they didn't pay the mortgage or bills - it is their home but not their house.  I had this with my partner.  We sold the 'family' home and bought our home - her adult children now have their own homes and we all know the difference.  I just wish i hadn't moved into the 'family' home years ago and suffered all tha BS.  If you have a choice - don't make that one.

Yikes, now that definately is a giant red flag 'the kids' - 19 and 23 and he wants to tag them along?  Something is wrong w/this guy.

Way too many red flags. You do NOT need to just chill the f out -- this is your spidey sense talking to you and you need to listen.

Do not move into the marital home--get a new place, a "your" place. Know the launch plan for the young adults--and this includes not only physically living on their own, but also financially on their own.

My SD lives 800 miles away and she still tells her Dad that she thinks we should do xyz when he and I have decided on abc. I don't really care that she has an opinion about what color we paint the bathroom, but I do care that my DH discards what he and I decided in favor of what SD thinks should happen. Child worship, especially when the "children" are adults, is so unattractive. I have said those exact words to my DH, who was SHOCKED that I thought he was chasing after and worshiping his kids. I asked him to describe what he was doing in different terms, and he really couldn't.

That your DH doesn't want them to live their own independent, happy lives "yet" is really troubling. THey learn NOTHING about real life while they are living at home with daddy taking care of all the bills. They'll be 30 years old and not be able to figure out how to do a monthly budget, pay bills, and buy groceries. He is crippling them.

A man that has raised his children, and now has a female companion. A real live woman. He would put you first. Do not move into this situation. His grown adult women children come first. Wait until the little girls are out on their own. Make it a step into a mutual living arrangement away from the family home, a new start. Keep your place and your sanity until then, not to mention your freedom, like I said, you are a real live woman. I would make myself less available to him. Let him imagine you moving on with some one that can offer you the type of life you want. Good medicine. He has some decisions to make about how he wants to live in his later years, a partner or chasing after his grown women children.

I would not recommend you moving into the house, where his adult children live, he shared with first wife. Its too emotionally loaded. New place for just the two of you if this is to have a chance of working out.

He's putting out lots of money for his adult kids on a monthly basis. You and he need a frank discussion about money. How are expenses going to be shared? Equally? Percentage by income? What's joint and what's separate? Don't let your love if him blind you to the realities of a shared life.

Be straight with him. Tell him you won’t move in together until SD launches. Tell him you don’t feel comfortable living with an adult child.

Wow. There's A LOT of red flags flapping in the breeze with this man. 

Until and unless he can create a life that is free of enabling and catering to adult kids, he's not really relationship material. You can't build a future with someone who is already emotionally and financially entwined with someone else. And you shouldn't even try to build a future with someone who is willing to allocate a chunk of net income to supporting other adults. 

This is the honeymoon period of your relationship with this man, and he already wants to bring his adult babies on vacation with you. That right there tells you there are unhealthy levels of attachment between them. A normal man would be looking forward to hot monkey sex; this guy is all about having his cake and eating it too. 

We see stories like yours pretty regularly on this board. Parents who in the aftermath of divorce or death of a spouse become emotionally enmeshed with their kids. Your man is not ready to be a partner to anyone. He needs therapy to help him untangle his twisted relationships with his kids and get himself together so he can hold up his end of an adult romantic relationship. Please don't allow yourself to be sucked any further into his dysfunction.

She is 23 yo. At 23 I was on my own payimg for my own things NOT at home with daddeeee asking for things I want RIGHT Now(read actimg lile a 5 yo). If my dad ever caught me acting that way to anyone he would at least tell me what acceptable behavior was not encourage/ coax out the behavior.

You do have a miniwife situation on your hands. Pay attention and keep as much of your independence as possible.

Don't think about how great this guy is, think about how the whole package is because that's what you'd be moving into.

You said the notion of moving in together comes up more often. But has it come up with his kids? I bet a lot of money I don't even have that they will not want you there. I wouldn't be surprised if it just stops coming up someday because he raised the idea to his kids and they said "NO."

Then again, maybe they're like my SD. When he brings up you moving in there, they'll say "yes" to him because any other answer would be too transparent -- it will make them look bad if they resisted. And, after all, why should they resist what he wants? He's paying all their bills, he's their daddy, he's treating them like his harem. HE'S not their problem. YOU will be their problem. So when you move in there, they will be total shits to you. They will make you miserable. They will exclude you, overrule you, crowd you, ask him to do things without you. Soon, you'll resent him, lose respect for him, and you sure as hell won't want to have sex with him because he's already got two or three girlfriends (his kids). You won't be up for that kind of competition...

...because the competition isn't fair. You can't compete with them because they already have a clique you'll never be part of. They never criticize him (why would they criticize their sugar daddy?) and he never criticizes them. As soon as you suggest you two do something without his kids, you'll be the bitch who wants to banish his little girls! When you suggest they aren't treating you nicely, you'll be criticizing his babies! He will turn on you and defend them with his life, but he won't do that for you because he is not enmeshed with you the way he is with them. They are his blood. You are just a live-in who can be changed out anytime for someone who loves his girls the way he does!

Now, I could be all wrong. But I bet I'm not.

So I really want you to imagine how stuck you would feel living there if those girls hated you and it became a scene from Mean Girls. I want you to imagine the nastiest, bitchiest mean girl from high school and how lousy she made you feel. Now imagine living with that 24/7. Imagine the guy who wooed you and sent you flowers and wined and dined you is suddenly defending abhorrent mean girl behavior and no matter how obviously bad his girls treat you, he defends them and says you're misreading the situation, you're the one who has to try harder, you're the one causing all the chaos because YOU'RE JEALOUS OF THEM.

Right now, his girls are golden. All's peaceful in their little house. You'll move in and suddenly someone is telling him his girls are unfriendly (at first), then snotty, then downright belligerant, then awful, lazy, devisive, mean-spirited...blah, blah, blah. How will that look to him? After all, there was peace and perfect children before you got there and started demanding they talk to you, clean up after themselves, give you some alone time with your BF...

See what I mean? You can't compete. And even when they don't live there, ditto on everything above.

It doesn't really sound like them moving out will even make a difference. I think they will always be in the forefront of his mind, weighing in on every decision he makes, whether they vocalize it or not. They will be invited on vacations, and over for dinner whenever they want. Anything you plan, he will be thinking about how to include them.They really do come first and probably always will.

No way in hell would I quit my job to move to where he and his kids are.

You have been able to observe the family dynamic. Believe that this is how it's going to be...always.

Mini-wife's - Oh the hell they will bring. Trust me, I've been through this. 

Advice:   Don't sell your home and give up a good job with financial independence. What if your relationship doesn't work out? If he really wants to be with you, he will want to move in with you at some point, most likely in your own home, if you let him know that you will no way move into the "family home" 

if you move into the family home, it will be hell for you, believe me. See how it is now? Mini-wife's controlling the house and daddy paying for everything they do and want. Ugh! Them coming and going and disrespecting you as they get older and can't stand to share daddy with anyone. Oh, wait until he buys you something, mini-wife will have a hissy fit. Mine did. She had a fit when daddy bought me a holiday present. This is an adult too....early 30's. What if you want to put up your pictures or rearrange the furniture? Oh, the horror. It is her house and you won't be allowed.

One of the best decisions I ever made was TO NEVER SELL  MY HOME AND NEVER MOVE INTO DH's and late wife's family home. Why? Read on.

When we were at a point you and your BF are, his adult daughter ran his house, even though she lived a few hours away. Shepaid DH's bills, ran his checking account, did his laundry, used his house as a hotel and shack up stop, took whatever she wanted, andbelieved everything was hers even though she paid for nothing. His adult son lived there part time. He took whatever he wanted and never returned anything, barged in on us all the time, went through DH's mail, etc. The adult steps had kept their original bedrooms filled with old furniture, clothes all over the place, junk on the floor for years. They made it even worse when DH and I were serious about our relationship. They refused to get rid of anything. They didn't want me to move in there and I definitely did not want to. It would of also made my commute to work longer and I was happy where I lived. I worked hard for my home and wasn't going to sell it to move in with anyone, no matter how much in love I may be.

long story short, DH asked me to move in many times. I said No Way. After a short time, DH realized I wasn't going to move in with him, he decided he wanted to move in with me and get rid of his home.

 and when my BF at the time put out pictures of us, adult skids would hide those pictures and mini-wife ripped one our our pictures. Then they would put out pics of the first family everywhere. Mini-wife took my jacket and shoes and threw them on the porch because she did not want to look at them.

We tried to have holidays and gatherings at DH's house and always included the skids, but they pumped up the disrespect and hateful games. 

It is1,000% better for DH and I now. We live in our home and not the first family home. Adult skids know because of their hatefulness,  they are not welcome. We also are further away from them.

you gotta think of things like: where are you going to put all your stuff? Mini wife won't let you move it to "her" house. Do you want to live somewhere where these skids come and go as they please? Take your stuff? Do you want to share to pay household bills for skids, like electricity, internet, mortgage, etc? Is your DH going to be on the same page as you in regard to who should run their home or decide who goes on a couples vacation. Will he always be controlled by the mini-wife?

All I know is that both DH and I would of been so unhappy living in the first family home. We have both said this to each other. please think everything through first.