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Update on me....and my H

halo1998's picture

So..I figured I owe an update..please no judgment..not everyone will agree with my decision and I know that.  However, it is my decision and my life and I have put a lot of thought into this decision.

At this point...and who knows it could change.,...I have decided to work with H and try to remain in our marriage.  While I'm beyond hurt and tramatized over this..I still do love ;him and I'm not ready to throw in the towel on 15 years together.  He has taken responsibility for what he has done and the fact he shattered our marriage.  We are seeing a counselor together and are both seeing counselors seperately.  I don't condone or agree with what H did, but , in hindsight I can see how things in and out of our control have lead us to this point.  We have hit rock bottom and now working to come back up.

Believe me, when I say it is not an easy task to move forward and I have moments of thinking WTF am I doing.  H, however, has been very transparent about everything and willing do what I and the professionals ask of him to see if we can piece this back together.

Its is a slow process and we are taking it one day at a time.  I am cautiously optimistic and time will tell if we make it through this.




Stepdrama2020's picture

You do YOU. Only you know whats in your heart and what you need to try to save your marriage.

I truly hope that therapy will bring you and DH to a better place.

Best of luck and blessings

JRI's picture

Life is so hard sometimes.  Hoping for your best possible outcome.  We all make mistakes.  Here we all are on the roller coaster of life.

Merry's picture

I did the exact same thing, halo. Decided to stay, try to put the pieces back together, but always was clear that I would and could leave if that's where the path led.  We did work through it, and we are genuinely happy.

But damn it was hard. I knew I was too emotionally raw to make any rational decisions at first, and ultimately my DH did everything I asked him to do once he got over making ridiculous excuses for himself. He and I both saw therapists--me for a year or two and him longer than that.

It sounds like your DH is doing all the right things and is willing to do the hard work for himself and your relationship.

Infidelity (emotional or otherwise) doesn't have to be a death knell if both people are committed to making it work.

CLove's picture

No judgement. Thanks for the update Biggrin

advice.only2's picture

Nothing but support for you, I hope your DH realizes what a precious gift he has been given again. 

ndc's picture

No judgment here - I commend you on giving this thought and not letting a knee jerk reaction change the course of your life. It's up to you what you can tolerate and whether your marriage is worth saving.  I hope time and counseling brings you to the best possible outcome for you.

HowLongIsForever's picture

It takes strength and wisdom to truly do the work, regardless of the ultimate outcome. 

Don't ever doubt that.

We each have our own path in this world.  You will know when you're on the right one.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Thanks for the update. You won't get any judgement from me. When I found out my ex was having a full blown affair, there was a period of time where I wanted him back, and if he would have done the necesary work, I would have taken him back. I understand why you are willing to give your DH a chance. For your sake, I hope he does what he needs to do and that it all works out.

I will say that the benefit of years has given me the persepective to see how much of our problems were my fault. He had legit reasons for being unhappy and wanting out of the marriage. It is the way he went about it that was wrong. It sounds like you are already have some insight into the issues in your marriage and I think that will go a long way towards you being able to work things out.

That all being said, please protect yourself - both your heart and your bank account. Make sure you keep a little of your heart from the chance of getting hurt again and having some "pin" money put aside would probably be a good idea as well.


ESMOD's picture

Everyone has to walk their own journey.  You are the only person who knows whether the full balance of your partnership is worth the fight to keep it.

I could definitely see someone making the same choice... to at least try.. especially if the issue was primarily an only "online messaging".. vs a real life acting on things situation.  

So, I wish you luck with this.. I just want to make sure you understand.. that you didn't "cause" him to do this.. this is something he decided to do.. probably knew was wrong.. and did it anyway.  He can claim it was due to "lack of attention".. etc.. but in the end, he chose to go down that path vs working on your relationship.. don't let him try to scapegoat you as why he did what he did.

halo1998's picture

He decided to do this..not me and nothing that I did or didn't do warranted this type of action.  I understand how we got here..but the choice was his alone and his alone to deal with.  I too had issues with our marriage but I didn't make the same decision.

He needs to figure out why he made that choice and what he needs to do so that he doesn't make that choice again.  Lets face is messy and hard...there will be a time again when he will need to make a decision like this again....only he can figure out how not make that same mistake twice.

caninelover's picture

Only you know what's right for you, and I hope for a happier marriage for both of you after doing all the hard work.  Best wishes halo.

TrueNorth77's picture

I'm so sorry this happened to you! I can only imagine how hard of a decision it must be. I truly hope it works out for you the way you are hoping. But if they don't, have no doubt that you will end up happier than you think. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Hope you can get to the right place for you.  Please make sure the work you do with a therapist and your DH ensures that you don't have a stressful role of marriage policy.  Your DH needs to own this and patrol his own behaviour.

I'll be pulling of for you.